Wednesday, December 29, 2010

the Alex awards, part eight

Favorite Russians

#10 - Isaac Asimov. Science fiction writer. I didn't know I liked science fiction until I read some of his stuff in high school.

#9 - Anna Karenina. Yes, I know she's a fictional character, but I always felt bad for her. And she's been immortalized by so many great actresses, including Greta Garbo, Vivien Leigh, and Sophie Marceau.

#8 - Ayn Rand. Novelist and creator of philosophical objectivism. The books are The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, and I highly recommend them.

#7 - Pyotr Tchaikovsky. Classical composer of the romantic era. Does anyone not know The Nutcracker, Swan Lake or Sleeping Beauty? I grew up with that stuff. It might have been my first introduction to classical music.

#6 - Wassily Kandinsky. Abstract artist. My introduction to him was in a humanities class in college, and later in art classes. I learned to really appreciate his paintings.

#5 - Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko, AKA Natalie Wood. Actress, from Miracle on 34th Street to West Side Story. I never knew she was Russian, until I did a little research. She was born in the US, but her parents were immigrants. I used to be quite fascinated by her.

#4 - Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna, youngest daughter of Tsar Nicholas II. I was always intrigued by her story, as dramatized by several Hollywood productions. The one I saw first was a mini-series, Anastasia: The Mystery of Anna, starring Amy Irving. They finally disproved her supposed survival of her family's assassination in 2008. So disappointing. I always wanted the story to be true.

#3 - Sergei Prokofiev. Another classical composer. When I was very young I had this record of Peter and the Wolf. I listened to it all the time. Very good memories associated with that music.

#2 - Anton Chekhov. Writer and father of the modern short story. I wish I could read in Russian, and not just translations. He was also quite nice looking as a young man.

And finally, #1 - Yulia Volkova and Lena Katina, of t.A.T.u. I know, after all of that culture, I choose two little pop music stars as my number one. I just love the music. Even in Russian.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010


I have this friend that sends me text messages sometimes. She's this friend. She’s still making an effort, and I’m not sure why. Sometimes, when I get such messages, I want to respond with something like, “Leave me alone! Don’t you realize you’re teasing me? I really like you. I really want you to like me back, but I know you can’t give me the kind of time I want, so I don’t want to invest and be frustrated. It’s way too hard to be casual with you and pretend you’re not a big deal, because I would like it if you were. Or at least part of me does.”

Before she left town to spend Christmas with her family, she sent me a text asking what my plans were for the holiday. After some back and forth, I asked her what she asked Santa Claus for. She answered, “More time with my friend Alex.” Such a tease! What do I do with her? She says all the right things and does none of them. She is a conundrum.

Friday, October 15, 2010

attractive things about people

I was sitting in the shop waiting for the safety & emissions inspection on my car, and I made a list. As I watch people, I sort of collect things I like about people in general. This what I came up with, in no particular order:

  • straight teeth
  • clean fingernails
  • clothing that fits and flatters
  • attentive eyes
  • the ability to listen without interrupting
  • a contagious, disarming smile
  • unprovoked kindness
  • red hair
  • clear skin
  • generous lips
  • uninhibited laughter

The guy who worked on my car, in fact, had very nice red hair and skin like a sun-ripened peach. If his ears had been substantially smaller I might have thought him very cute.

Thursday, October 14, 2010


According to the BBC, there are 8% more women than men in the country of Latvia. There are also 3,000 more women than men in the 30-39 age range. If you want to know why, you can read the article. I find this interesting:

"The smartest girls are alone. The really beautiful girls are alone - if they are smart," Dace says. "They want to find partners who are equal to them. But a man, having all this choice, doesn't need to be very perfect. He just sits in front of the TV and knows he can get a woman. And if she doesn't suit him, he will get another. Smart women simply don't want to have such men as their partners," she adds.

Sounds like Rachel would like to live in Latvia. She's always had a fondness for Russians.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

in response to all of the hullabaloo

I've been silent for a while. Not struggling so much, which is nice, but it leaves very little to write about. I have known I need to say something about General Conference, and about President Boyd K Packer's talk. I've needed to and I want to, because I want people to know where I stand. But then I found this guy's post, and I thought that he probably feels exactly about that talk as I feel, and he explained himself so well and so eloquently and with so much faith, that I couldn't help but link to it. It's a good read, and so are all of the comments (the ones that I read...there are almost 200 at this point). So, if you're interested, here's his post.

When you read the talk again, with the topic of pornography in mind, it's obvious that that's what it's mainly about.

There is, of course, one other thing I'd like to add. I can change. You can change. The atonement of Jesus Christ makes change possible, if we invite its healing influence into our lives. My nature can be changed so that I can experience what the Nephites did in Mosiah chapter 5: "...the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually."

Wednesday, September 01, 2010

pet peeve #5

Need I say more? It's worse than LOL.

I spy

Maybe it's just because I've been reading the Gallagher Girls books, but I was reminded the other day of a game I used to play with myself in junior high school. I rode the bus to school then, and sometimes it dropped us off too early for the first class, so I was left to entertain myself until it was time to go and sit down in the classroom. I would pretend to be a spy. I would pick someone--anyone--random was always best--and make them my subject. If they were walking, I would follow them, at a comfortable distance. If they were sitting talking to friends, I would find a good lookout and watch whatever they were doing. I'd take notes. Until the bell rang, I was a private investigator. I'm pretty sure the game didn't end with junior high school.

I had arranged to meet some friends downtown the other day. I had to drive around the block a couple of times to find a decent parking place. And then, not finding one very close to the designated restaurant, I had to walk a few blocks. It gave me a moment to ruminate on this game I used to play. And I considered trying it again. But I didn't have that much time. It was fun to think about anyway.

Tuesday, August 03, 2010

current celebrity crush

Kelli Williams from Fox's Lie To Me. She cried in this week's episode. I'm a sucker for a good crying actress.

Monday, July 19, 2010

Rachel loves YouTube

So I'm browsing on YouTube the other evening and I find this clip from a movie called Jennifer's Body, in which Megan Fox plays a zombie who feeds on boys from high school. It looks as ridiculous as it sounds. But in the middle of the random amounts of gore that I'm sure are plentiful, Fox's character, while possessed, visits her best friend, played by Amanda Seyfried, and they make out. I think the scene was made Or for Rachel, rather. By the devil himself.

Friday, July 16, 2010


Lately, I am hungry. Not for food or a particular person, but for connection. And being unable to make a significant connection, I find myself searching for substitutes. I want to read and be consumed by stories. And not any stories, but stories of romance and new love, and connection.

Probably just my spirit is hungry. And I should probably feed it.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

more about smell

I can remember the smell of most people I have loved. Smell is important to me, for some reason. I always associate people with a smell—whether it is the smell of their person, or their home, or their pet, in some cases, or the food they often eat, in other cases. With celebrities, or people I don’t really know but have only seen pictures of, I still wonder about their smell. Michelle Pfeiffer, I’m quite sure, smells really good, and Gwyneth Paltrow does not. I can’t explain it. It’s just a thing I do.

And then there are people who bathe in their perfume. I am not a fan of that method of application. Perfume should be subtle. I shouldn’t be able to smell you unless I am very close to you. The receptionist at my workplace, for instance, smells really good, but only from a distance. And that’s about all that I like about her.

On the flip side, a bad smell, particularly bad breath, is one of the worst things for me to have to endure. My nose is pretty sensitive. I could never be in a relationship with someone whose smell I found offensive.

I guess the first person I ever loved was my mother. With your family, you tend to take the good with the bad, so when they smell badly you excuse it as temporary. I still like the way my mother smells. I will always recognize it. The first of my peers that I ever became very attached to was my first (well, almost first) college roommate. I remember she had a kind of perfumey and hairspray sort of smell. It wasn’t my favorite, but I loved her anyway. Then there was my apartment neighbor, whose smell I always associate with hand soap and Biolage shampoo. It was bliss to get my nose into her plentiful head of hair. My Mexican roommate's is the smell I miss the most, I think. Hers was Eternity perfume. I have since caught snatches of it and the scent takes me back in an instant, but no one and no bottle quite smells the way she did. A--- just smelled clean, like laundry soap and dryer sheets. I can’t keep those memories in a bottle because laundry smell is upon me too often. Amy, however, still smells like Gain dryer sheets, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to use Gain in my own laundry because I want that smell to stay hers. And then of course there’s MJ, whose memory is most recent in my mind, who smelled like Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar. I cannot walk into one of those stores and sniff it. It’s still too much for me. I would make myself close to her and soak it up, if I could.

Speaking of MJ, she came to church with her sister on Sunday, and since their parents were out of town, they sat with us, which I welcomed, as did my nieces. She is still a favorite, even if she made me a preference. She sat next to me during the meeting, with her sister on the other side of her, and I have to admit I didn’t hear a whole lot of what was coming from the pulpit. We whispered, probably too much, and I was very aware of the touch of her arm against mine. She has such nice skin.

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

Brandon Flowers

My new favorite music video. You'll see why.

Awesome, right?

Speaking of favorite music videos, here's another one I like to watch again and again.

Alanis Morissette - Crazy

Wednesday, July 07, 2010


Last night the air was cool and I had a little energy to use, so I drove to the cemetery and went for a walk. The sun was still out, but darkness would descend within the hour. It’s been a while since I had a good walk outside, and it felt good. As always, there were a few people observations.

There was a group of four middle-aged women, dressed typically, as if to go shopping, not to walk for fitness. They were roaming among the gravestones as if taking a tour. One acted as spokeswoman. I imagined that she was directing the others as to which stones needed repair or improvement. But I had my music on in my ears. I had no idea what they were doing.

There was one girl who was sitting on the grass in front of a fresh grave. She appeared to be writing in a notebook. There were masses of flower arrangements on the area, as if the funeral had happened that day. Kind of sad.

Another girl passed me running. She had a long, blonde ponytail and was wearing a tee-shirt and running shoes, but knee-length cargo shorts—like the kind you wear hiking. It seemed funny to me. She was a bit heavy in the hips and was running slowly. She had sort of an athletic gait, like she might have been more tomboy than girl. As she turned the corner in the road, she took occasion to look back at me. It made me smile. I silently urged her on because she seemed to be struggling, and as fast as I was walking I wondered if I would catch up to her if she slowed to a walk, but I lost track of her after a while. It would be kind of funny if she read my blog and recognized herself here. ;)

Saturday, July 03, 2010


My favorite Cullen is...


Monday, June 21, 2010

I'm so different

I try to be different, just for effect. Don't we all want to feel unique? But I'm copying this post idea from Arianne, which is, ironically, about being different.

Name something you hate that everyone else loves:

Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts. I know, they're all the rage. But give me cake doughnuts any day. Their glazed ones just taste like raw dough and land at the bottom of my stomach like a blob of Play-Doh.

Name something you love that everyone else hates:

Redheads. Of both the male and female variety. I just really find it attractive. Even the accompanying fair complexions or freckles. Children are especially cute. I hope I get a redhead of my own someday.

Tuesday, June 15, 2010

guys in flip-flops

How do you feel about men wearing flip-flops? Is it hot? Or not?

For me, it depends on the feet. I used to despise feet. You wouldn't catch me dead in a pair of open-toe sandals, and I avidly avoided looking at anyone's bare feet for fear that nausea might overtake me. I'm not so disgusted anymore. I've come to accept my own feet, and the fact that some feet are just ugly. But every once in a while I spot a sexy group of toes.

Sidenote: That reminds me of a line from All About Steve. Mary's father(?) asks, "Mary, why do you wear those stupid red boots all the time?" To which she responds,

"Because they make my toes feel like ten friends on a camping trip. That's why I wear them."


Anyway, I'm not sure exactly what it is that makes a foot sexy, but there it is. I don't mind a guy in flip-flops, unless his feet are nasty. For the requirements on girls' sandal-clad feet, see here.

And on another related sidenote, when shopping online for flip-flops, or any variety of sandal, why aren't they shown being worn rather than by themselves? Doesn't a sandal look better with a foot in it?

Wednesday, June 09, 2010


Watching people kiss is my porn. Well, watching actors, really, because real public displays of affection are more embarrassing than fun to watch. Raise your hand if you knew this about me. I'm not fond of admitting it, yet it's true. People think it's weird that I "collect" kisses. When I was in college I used to connect two VCRs together and record my favorite scenes to a blank video tape. Now there's YouTube. How awesome is that?

Monday, June 07, 2010


If you go on a date, but it's with someone of your same gender, and it's not meant to be a date but feels very much like one, can you safely call it a date? Because the next time someone asks me how long it's been since I went on a date with someone, I want to be accurate.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

current celebrity crush

Anna Friel. I've been introduced and have fallen in love with Pushing Daisies. Too bad it's not on anymore. I really dig it.

I was first introduced in Timeline, and then Our Mutual Friend, but I think I like her character in Pushing Daisies the most.


I may be interested in someone. I don't want to call it a crush, because that would make it mean something, and I don't want it to mean anything, especially. I want friendship. But that codependent side of me, that side that likes to be attached to someone, wants exclusive friendship, and since I know that is really not likely with this person, I am going to keep my interest at a distance. There is always the possibility of becoming better friends. She likes to travel. She went to Hawaii last month and invited me to go, but, considering the state of my finances, I decided to be wise. But she is interested in a traveling companion, and so am I. So I want to say I like where this may be going, but also, I don't.

I will not fret. She is a good Mormon girl. She is most likely not interested in me that way. I am a good Mormon girl, and I like being that way, so I will not get my feathers in a ruffle. I just thought I'd put it out there. :)

Thursday, April 29, 2010

midlife quiz

I just thought this was interesting. You may want to take it yourself. It comes from a book I'm reading called Change Your Mind, Change Your Body by Ann Kearney-Cooke, PhD.

How do you feel about your body?

  1. I feel generally satisfied with my body: a) true, b) somewhat true, or c) false. "Unhappiness about appearance erodes self-esteem and can lead to unhealthy behaviors."
  2. I have at least some attractive physical attributes. (same answers as above)
  3. I feel self-conscious about my body: a) rarely/never, b) sometimes, c) usually. "Self-consciousness leads to behaviors like hiding the body and feelings of shame and withdrawal from others."
  4. I usually compare my body to the bodies of other women a) my own age, b) somewhat younger, or c) under thirty.
  5. When someone compliments me on the way I look, I usually feel a) flattered, b) skeptical or c) self-conscious. "Inability to respond to, accept, or feel comfortable with compliments is a common sign of negative body image."
  6. I worry about the effect of aging on my looks: a) never, b) occasionally, or c) most of the time.
  7. I exercise a) at least three times a week, b) a few times a month, or c) rarely/never. “Exercise builds confidence.” I don’t know if that’s why I do it. I do it for the adrenaline. I do it so that my mind feels happier.
  8. I have taken diet pills, fasted or followed an extremely low-calorie diet: a) rarely/never, b) at least once in the past year, or c) several times in the past year.
  9. Compared to five years ago, I feel that I look a) better, b) the same, or c) worse.

(paraphrasing) "If you chose mostly A answers, you seem to feel generally positive about your body. If you chose mostly C answers, you owe it to yourself to make changes. Negative feelings and attitudes can interfere with your life and erode self-esteem. It's important to explore what gets in the way of accepting your body. If you chose a relatively equal mix of A, B and C answers, your body image could be improved."

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

did you know?

Google Reader is a pretty cool thing. People who use it know of its coolness. What some people may not realize is that if a blogger posts something and then later decides to delete the post, it still shows up in the Reader. Thus, that blogger's readers get the special privilege of reading what the blogger decided they didn't want anyone to read. Cool, huh?

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

favorite quotes from this week's Glee

It's back!

Don't bother sleeping with my husband tonight. You're already screwed.

two Cheerios, to Finn:
Let us give you an introduction into the way that we work. You buy us dinner, and we make out in front of you. It's like the best deal ever.

Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?

and Sue:
After offering the principal coffee, "I would have gotten you one, Will, but I don't like you."

After snipping off a boy's ponytail in the hallway, "There. You no longer confuse me with your she-male looks. I'm going to donate this to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. They can use it to plug the holes in their trailers."

I won't be burying any hatchets, William, unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin.

I'm going to bring some Asian cookery to rub your head with, because right now you have enough product in your hair to season a wok.

You two should be wetting yourselves with shame.

I am engorged with venom. And triumph. Now get the hell out of my office.

Monday, April 12, 2010


What do you think I should call the Leah/Tristan story?

poem 4, Isabel

I heard her voice today
subdued and held in balance
just above the hum of audible conversation,
rising and falling, tonal and
incomprehensible, like overhearing the
television from the next room.
I heard her voice and involuntarily
inclined my head, straining to catch
a word, a phrase, leaning to learn
a portion of the dialogue,
though it may have been trivial.

Now flashes of her filter through my
thoughts like things stuck in cobwebs.
Vain imaginations, lined up in the
projector of my mind—moments of an
exchange, an expression, a lazy afternoon,
a disarming smile—they swim around in
my stomach, swirling and churning and taking
up all the space. Concentrating seems
absurd, focusing ineffectual.

In manageable distraction I exist
in a wavering place, forced into thoughts
of action by my restlessness—for fantasies
grow old and fresh anticipation stales
without resolve. I want to hear that voice,
speaking to me. Only her unwillingness—
not my fear, nor the furious butterflies, nor
my own stubborn propriety—should deter
me from my mission. And yet her voice,
languid, floating, dreamlike in my memory...
a first time only happens once.


I love that in our culture it’s acceptable for girls to be affectionate with each other (to an extent). There are certainly limits to it, of course, and in other cultures in the world it’s even more lenient. But guys really aren’t allowed much of anything, except in the church. Or in sports. ;)

former crush

It’s interesting how you can have kind of a crush on someone, or desire their attention so badly, and then as time goes by that completely goes away, and you wonder why you ever were so interested in that pursuit in the first place. I’m not quite talking about MJ yet. I don’t know that I’m completely over her, although I do like being free of the pull. I’m talking about a friend from high school. I went and had dinner at her house on Saturday. I like her family, especially her kids. I love her laugh. I love her cooking. But I do not know what I ever thought I was going to get from that relationship. It was many years ago...maybe ten. She was kind and she encouraged my friendship; that much I remember. Maybe I was looking for a nurturer, and she can be a good one, but she’s far too needy herself to be effective.

Thursday, April 08, 2010


An interesting anonymous question popped up over on my Formspring page. It required a little research to find the answer, so I thought I'd post it.

How old were you when you discovered/decided you were gay?

I was 30. Remember that Russian duo, the two young girls that made up a band called t.A.T.u.? They made this music video for their song "Ya Soshla S Uma" ("All the Things She Said") wherein they sang dressed in school uniforms in the rain. I turned on MTV one afternoon and it happened to be playing. It was the first time I had ever seen girls kissing. I found it fascinating and disturbing at the same time. I don't know how many times I watched that video. It may be even more disturbing to me now, realizing how young those girls were...


I ate lunch in my car on Monday afternoon, after my lunch plans with a friend got hijacked. I also had a little email exchange with Arianne last night. This is the dream that ensued early this morning:

I was sitting in my car, eating crackers out of the box, waiting for something. Maybe my lunch break to be over, or school to start, or something. It seemed like I was parked outside of a school. Or the building where I worked. I used to do that when I was working temporary jobs in California. Anyway, all of a sudden, Arianne popped into my car and sat down in the passenger seat. Her face seemed really close, like she was studying me.

"It’s kind of sad, you know," she said. "You doing your own thing all the time."

I understood that maybe she was trying to tell me that I shouldn’t be alone so much. That I needed to be more social.

"Why not?" I replied. "This is what I usually do."

Then we went for a drive. She urged me to drive fast, recklessly around the corners. She held on for dear life, and we laughed. We went past schools and children walking, neighborhoods and tall trees. And soon there were dogs everywhere. At first, one or two, which doesn’t strike one as odd. In every neighborhood there’s a loose dog somewhere. But then there were more and more, and they were everywhere, and I began to be alarmed by how many there were. I thought maybe we had driven into an animal shelter compound or something. And then they were doing tricks, like standing on each others’ shoulders and balancing, like in a circus. Or a child’s book about a circus, because clearly these dogs were doing human tricks that were not possible in reality. And then, as if it could get more bizarre, there were suddenly monkeys. Chimpanzees, baboons, gorillas—all kinds of monkeys, just hanging out along the road, as if we had driven right into the middle of a zoo, where the monkeys lived out in the open, without cages.

Do you think maybe this means that my life feels a little chaotic? Maybe I don’t feel like I’m in control? That was my conclusion.

Wednesday, April 07, 2010


I’m only 39, but my body is changing. Apparently this "midlife" period of time invites physical changes that I didn’t anticipate, like weight gain and slowing metabolism, making weight loss and activity a little more difficult. I hear of people close to the end of their lives—80, 90 years old—running marathons, playing sports, active and energetic, and I can’t imagine how they do it. I should be able to do so much more. But I’m feeling discouraged.

One of my friends went to this doctor (a nurse practitioner, really) and discovered that her body is vitamin D deficient and insulin resistant, and now she’s taking medication to correct that and she’s losing weight. But she’s active, and she’s younger than I am. She goes to the gym twice a day and participates in bike races. Where does she find the energy, the motivation? This practitioner suggested that my problem is more likely my diet, and my age. Supposedly it’s normal to gain some weight and slow down a bit, and no matter how much I resist it, there it is, happening with or without my consent. It was depressing news for me. She took some blood anyway, just to run tests that might indicate anything else that could be wrong, but I think she’s right. I’m very healthy. I don’t have anything seriously wrong with me.

There are books that would suggest that my attitude should change as my body changes, to be more accepting and resilient. People have always told me I look young. They can’t believe I’m almost 40 years old. And in my mind I still feel like I’m in my 20s. But maybe it’s time to wake up to reality and accept my losses. (All quotes below come from Change Your Mind, Change Your Body: Feeling Good About Your Body and Self After 40, by Ann Kearney-Cooke and Florence Isaacs.)

Loss of youthful appearance. "The former prom queen has more to lose than the wallflower." My youthful appearance is on its way out. My hair is graying and there are wrinkles around my eyes. I was no prom queen, but such things can only be covered up or denied for so long. "Negative feelings about your body affect your moods, your eating habits, your sex life, and your relationships. That's why it's important to develop many sources of self-esteem, such as close relationships with others or involvement in meaningful work..." I admit to having negative feelings about my body. Especially lately.

Loss of energy. I’ve mentioned it before. I get tired faster. I feel older. I expect myself to be able to do things I used to do, like hop on a bicycle and ride around, climb stairs without feeling out of breath, or hike up a mountain trail, and I can’t do it like I used to. It’s frustrating.

Loss of parent independence. I may have usually felt more like a mother to my mother than a daughter, but it’s truer now than it ever was before. My mother no longer has a husband to lean on, and she’s taken to leaning on me. She has doctors and therapists and case workers, but she asks a lot more of me than she used to. That’s how it goes. She can’t do as much for herself. I can either resent it, like I have the majority of my life, or accept it and do the best I can.

Loss of opportunities. When I was young, I always thought I’d be a good mother. I wanted to be a mother, to prove to myself that I was right. I wanted the opportunity to launch some great, well-adjusted citizens into the world. I don’t know what kind of mother I would have been, exactly, but I’m not as confident about my abilities as I once was, now that I’ve watched my sister raise her kids and I know how difficult it is. But I still might have liked the chance, and I didn’t get it. And though it’s technically not too late, and that window of opportunity isn’t completely closed, I still feel like I’m not going to have that experience, and maybe I need to bid it farewell. Because even if I got married tomorrow and gave birth to a baby within a year, it would be exhausting. I don’t know how women do that in their 40s. I don’t know that I would want to do it now. I do feel fortunate to have been able to live with my family these last five or so years, because I have been able to almost feel what it’s like to be a parent, and feel the unconditional love of children. People assume that it’s a sacrifice for me, but it’s been a blessing in my life.

Loss of security. When you’re young you don’t think about retirement. People talk to you about investing and saving money, and you do it because your company matches your retirement contribution, or whatever. You do it because it’s the wise thing to do. But you really don’t think a lot about that time in your life when you might be unable to work anymore. Sometimes, now, I worry about it. The economy hasn’t been kind to my retirement savings, and I haven’t been able to contribute to it for several years. I’ve been too distracted by my debt and contributing to that. Now that I’m getting more serious about dissolving the debt, I should probably be thinking about savings too. Or I could end up like my mother and a lot of other Americans guilty of poor planning, living on Social Security. Our nation is so in debt now that even Social Security isn’t something one can rely on.

Apparently I have some losses to mourn. I also have noticed that I compare myself to others. Like Tiburon, the exercise nazi. I just don’t want to work as hard as she does. Or MJ, whose flat, lean and firm abdomen is 16 years younger than mine. She works at it a lot harder than I ever wanted to. Or my mother, who I hope I don’t ever look like. "...define your success by self improvement instead of triumph over others. Good feelings don't have to come from 'I exercise more than my neighbor next door.' They can come from goals that are important to you and which you are setting and meeting. Channel competitive feelings, which we all have at times, into being the best you can be, whatever the endeavor—which is different from being better than someone else. Stop comparing yourself, because that leads to body hatred."

So maybe it’s time to get some new clothes and stop stressing about this weight gain, and focus instead on the underlying source(s) of my distress. "You have thirty or forty years ahead of you. Are you going to spend them worrying about the last ten pounds? Or are you going to grow up, learn from your failures instead of being demoralized by them, and use your considerable strengths?" Well said.


When I was young, I had older brothers. I can say that in past tense because I don't have them anymore. They were step-brothers, and they pretty much left my life when their dad did. That was dad #2. Anyway, I physically wanted to be like them. I wanted to play basketball and baseball and football and soccer like they did, and I tried. I didn't want to be like them, because they were not very smart, and not very good, and they didn't do so well in school, and got in trouble a lot. I excelled where they didn't, and that was acceptable to me. But for some reason, I wanted to be more masculine. I imagine that because I tried to emulate their athletic skills, I probably also tried to walk and talk like they did too. Later, I wished I hadn't gone that far. I've had to work on redefining the walk and the talk.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am female and will always be female and have a female body, and that's okay with me. (Except for days like today, when I have cramps.)

But sometimes, when I look at men's clothing in all the catalogs that arrive in my mailbox, I think to myself, "If I had a man's body, I would rock that shirt."

Monday, March 29, 2010

good news and bad news

The good news is my mother's bulldog died yesterday. I may have mentioned the stinky, slimey, insecure animal before. He had developed a cancerous tumor on his shoulder. It's a shame, but only because he never got to share his sperm with another dog. That we know of. Good riddance. I despised the animal.

The bad news is, she's getting another one from the rescue tomorrow.

She used to be dependent on men. Now she's dependent on dogs.

Friday, March 26, 2010

Is there anything you've been dying to ask me?

Wednesday, March 24, 2010

more Sue Sylvester

Sneaky Gays

Whoever writes this stuff - hilarious!

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

digit ratios

Okay, so has anybody ever heard of this?

The ratio between index and ring finger is believed to be linked to exposure to the male hormone testosterone in the womb. On average, men tend to have longer ring fingers and women longer index fingers. The higher the testosterone, the greater the length of the ring finger and the more "masculine" the resulting child – whether male or female. Link

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley found the difference in the length between women's ring fingers and index fingers tend to be greater for lesbians than straight women. The same study also found that a greater difference in length of men's ring fingers and index fingers for gay men with several older brothers as compared to straight men. Link

I find this fascinating. This is my hand:

You can see that my ring finger is longer than my index finger, by about half an inch. According to the first article sited, "people with longer ring fingers tend to excel on the sports field, especially in running and football." I used to be somewhat athletic, but that's where it ends. I never was really good at any one sport.

"Scientists at the University of Bath found that children who had longer ring fingers are better with numbers-based subjects such as maths and physics, which are traditionally male favourites." Not so with me. If I am to fit into their study, I should have a longer index finger: "...longer index fingers indicated good verbal and literacy skills, where girls dominate."

But being exposed to more levels of testosterone in the womb? They may be onto something there. What do your fingers say about you?

More information:

Thursday, February 18, 2010

further quandary

I reason I guess I have a hard time calling or labeling myself gay or lesbian is not because I don’t believe in labels (heaven knows that in reality I accept enough of them), but because I seldom find myself attracted to other lesbians. I’m not just talking generalities, though if I’m going to fantasize about someone I would rather look at a feminine-looking girl. Call it fear, if you will (because I know that’s what some of you are thinking), but my close encounters with certain females who have chosen that path have not been experiences that leave me longing for more. Even Rachel (as I wrote her) fell for Heather when she was a divorcee and not even of a disposition to look for companionship of either gender. Perhaps Rachel is more like me than she realizes.

There really isn’t a pigeonhole for what I am attracted to. I know it when I see it, and when I see it, it’s usually a good Mormon girl whose manner or appearance strikes me a certain way.

Take my neighbor, the Ikea-loving friend I’ve mentioned before. I knew when I first watched her raise her hand and make a comment in a church class that I was going to like that girl. I knew I wanted her for my friend. She struck me as stable and funny and kind, and just out-of-reach. Yes, she’s friendly and warm, but there’s something about her that prevents any attempt at emotional intimacy. And don’t get me wrong, that’s a good thing, because otherwise I’d be her shadow. With all of my codependent tendencies, I’d latch on as if my life depended on it. And I don’t need that.

She left a message on my phone the other day, needing a favor for something, and I haven’t been able to erase it. I love the sound of her voice. I like to absorb it. I’ve played the message a few times and it makes me smile.

I know “normal” is relative, but my attraction to her seems “normal” to me. However it does make me wonder if I’m just destined to be single, if I find difficulty being attracted to people—male or female—who would welcome and return my attentions to the degree that a relationship developed. Feel free to disagree with me. I invite your arguments. I’m kind of in the mood to defend my position.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

all about Rachel

Rachel has an appetite. I know, we all have appetites for some things, but when Alex is sans meds, Rachel’s appetites seem to grow boundless. What else would have prompted her to join a singles dating site and claim to be looking for other women? I tend to think that “normal,” socially well-adjusted people just don’t do that sort of thing. But what do I know? All I know is that medication helped keep her under control. And now that there is no medication, I can hear her growling.

She’s not a mean or an angry person, but she is kind of possessive, and quite driven. She will do whatever it takes to get what she wants, though that’s almost easy for her. She’s attractive. Attractive people seem to have a sort of magic about them—a magic way of getting people to do what they want them to do. People are drawn to her even though they may feel intimidated. They may hesitate to approach, but they still want to see and feel some of her glory. Even though she brandishes a do-not-disturb sign, people are fond of pushing her boundaries. She’s not very good with boundaries. Maybe others can sense this. The proverbial paparazzi are constantly trying to get that one perfect picture.

When I look at the world around me through Rachel’s eyes, I see all sorts of conquests to make. Not just people, but causes. Rachel’s favorite cause is her own popularity, and she is really quite determined to win. She wants all who would support her to flock to her banner. But even if they do not support it, she wants to be adored. Being liked is nice, but it’s not enough. She craves others’ interest. She wants a following. And, fortunately for her, she has one. I am afraid to think of how she would achieve one if they didn’t just randomly show up all the time.

When you first meet Rachel, you wonder what it is that draws you to her. She is not overly kind, although she’s polite. She’s not outgoing and immediately likeable, but she is seductive. She does not possess a Hollywood lure upon first glance, but something makes you want to look twice. She has a star quality that may not be immediately apparent.

After all this, you may wonder why she craves attention. Like the millionaire who buys up auction after auction without contentment, she is never satisfied. She will always want more.

current celebrity crush

Lena Headey. She's a recurring one, actually. I came across Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and I've been watching episodes from the first season. I remember when it was on television, although for some reason I wasn't much interested in it at the time. I'm a Terminator fan. Not a crazy one, but I liked the movies. So it's an interesting take, for a TV series. I probably won't watch them all, but they're entertaining me for now.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010


So you may have noticed I haven't been writing much. I feel the need to maybe explain why. For the first time in almost five years, I am not on any medication. I really like that. And yet, I wonder if I still need some. I have gained some weight back. I have a difficult time waking up in the morning, even though I’m getting enough sleep and I’m exercising. My motivation feels like it’s at an all time low. And yet I don’t really feel depressed. I just feel like there’s something that I need. But I don’t know what it is. And I don’t think my family physician knows either. The Prozac didn’t seem to make a dent. It really seemed like I was taking a placebo.

My mind feels scattered and unfocused. It’s hard to say what I want to say, with my voice. My mind has always been better at writing than speaking, but lately my tongue feels disabled. I don’t like that feeling.

A family friend, one who I can love and hate with equal intensity, doesn’t seem willing to help me anymore, and I don’t blame her at all. She did way more than anyone expected, getting me on Zoloft in the first place and helping me through some difficult times. But I know she has her own family to take care of. She did refer me to a doctor who is a behavioral health specialist, so he might be far more helpful than my family physician in prescribing me medication. I’ve been thinking I ought to call him and see if he’s accepting patients. If he isn’t, then now just isn’t the time, I guess. If he is, then maybe that’s what I need to do next.

Just thought you'd like to know.

Friday, January 22, 2010

best of confession booth #6

I would never recommend that anyone go and read Mindi's Confession Booth. It's pretty much R-rated. But like an R-rated movie I simply must see, I like to skip over the nastiness and pick out the stuff that makes me laugh. I'm like one of those Cleanflicks employees who will remove the bad stuff you don't want to see so that you can enjoy the "rest" of the movie. I hereby give you:

best of confession booth #6

I haven't shaved my legs in a month and a half.


I think that I am going to die a virgin. And am jaded enough to believe I won't be missing out.

I sometimes think about what it would be like if my in-law's died and left us all their money.

I sometimes "embellish" things to one particular friend who is known as the neighborhood tell all. I love to see what gets twisted. I especially love when it gets back to me.

I ate a whole bag of Sweetheart large valentine's hearts over the weekend....I am going through sugar withdrawals. I think I will probably make my dentist rich this year. I think I am going to go buy another bag.

Mormons scare me.

I have eaten way too many no bake cookies. I always do when I make them, yet I continue to make them. On the bright side everything is moving along down there as it should be because of them.

I have done nothing but eat cookies, watch my tivo, and read these comments today.

Since my husband is sitting at work reading this, could you please ask him to bring home dinner?

I accidentally chipped the paint on the door of my husband's brand new car. I colored the chip in with a Sharpie.

I ate some dog jerky treat thing & actually liked it.

I bought another bag of Sweethearts. I will eat the whole thing probably....Why do I LOVE such a disgusting candy? After this I may have to become bulimic, or anorexic, or HCGic...

I tell people I'm 37, when I'm really 45.

I had a secret credit card. Then my husband died. I guess he found about it then.

Hey 5:16 yesterday. You didn't eat the whole first bag of sweethearts. I had 3.

Someone at work is stealing my peanut butter. I can't eat from that jar anymore.

I've sat here this morning for the past hour glued to my computer screen. I have also eaten almost an entire box of froot loops while reading. I can't seem to stop either behavior.

i hate when people say kthx or just sayin. it was funny the first time.

After reading these confessions, going grocery shopping is totally different. Really makes you look at people in a new light...

I am finding this very distracting as I am trying to get my Sharing Time for Sunday together.

I like sandwiches.

My husband is a jack ass.

It's 11:30pm and my dogs are barking outside . . . I hope it really annoys my neighbors!

current celebrity crush

Lea Michele, AKA Rachel Berry in FOX's Glee. Maybe I'm more enamored about her voice, but she's my favorite right now.

By the way, I'm looking for that kiss between Rachel and Finn in one of the first episodes, but no one seems to have posted it on YouTube. If anyone spies it somewhere, please let me know.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


Walking down a crowded corridor,

(a hospital? a school?, a grocery store?)

carrying or pushing something heavy, requiring both hands,

(a basket? a tub? a grocery cart?)

in a sea of faces I had a helper, an assistant

who shared the load with me.

She took hold of the other side,

and went with me down the hallway,

and somehow, I felt her fingers on mine,

even though they should have been on the opposite

side of the (basket? tub? grocery cart?).

I didn’t move them,

didn’t jerk away

like someone does when they

feel their space being invaded.

I let her touch them

and examine my hands.

She found a wound there.

I don’t know where it came from.

But she bandaged it.

And smiled at me.