midlife

I’m only 39, but my body is changing. Apparently this "midlife" period of time invites physical changes that I didn’t anticipate, like weight gain and slowing metabolism, making weight loss and activity a little more difficult. I hear of people close to the end of their lives—80, 90 years old—running marathons, playing sports, active and energetic, and I can’t imagine how they do it. I should be able to do so much more. But I’m feeling discouraged.

One of my friends went to this doctor (a nurse practitioner, really) and discovered that her body is vitamin D deficient and insulin resistant, and now she’s taking medication to correct that and she’s losing weight. But she’s active, and she’s younger than I am. She goes to the gym twice a day and participates in bike races. Where does she find the energy, the motivation? This practitioner suggested that my problem is more likely my diet, and my age. Supposedly it’s normal to gain some weight and slow down a bit, and no matter how much I resist it, there it is, happening with or without my consent. It was depressing news for me. She took some blood anyway, just to run tests that might indicate anything else that could be wrong, but I think she’s right. I’m very healthy. I don’t have anything seriously wrong with me.

There are books that would suggest that my attitude should change as my body changes, to be more accepting and resilient. People have always told me I look young. They can’t believe I’m almost 40 years old. And in my mind I still feel like I’m in my 20s. But maybe it’s time to wake up to reality and accept my losses. (All quotes below come from Change Your Mind, Change Your Body: Feeling Good About Your Body and Self After 40, by Ann Kearney-Cooke and Florence Isaacs.)

Loss of youthful appearance. "The former prom queen has more to lose than the wallflower." My youthful appearance is on its way out. My hair is graying and there are wrinkles around my eyes. I was no prom queen, but such things can only be covered up or denied for so long. "Negative feelings about your body affect your moods, your eating habits, your sex life, and your relationships. That's why it's important to develop many sources of self-esteem, such as close relationships with others or involvement in meaningful work..." I admit to having negative feelings about my body. Especially lately.

Loss of energy. I’ve mentioned it before. I get tired faster. I feel older. I expect myself to be able to do things I used to do, like hop on a bicycle and ride around, climb stairs without feeling out of breath, or hike up a mountain trail, and I can’t do it like I used to. It’s frustrating.

Loss of parent independence. I may have usually felt more like a mother to my mother than a daughter, but it’s truer now than it ever was before. My mother no longer has a husband to lean on, and she’s taken to leaning on me. She has doctors and therapists and case workers, but she asks a lot more of me than she used to. That’s how it goes. She can’t do as much for herself. I can either resent it, like I have the majority of my life, or accept it and do the best I can.

Loss of opportunities. When I was young, I always thought I’d be a good mother. I wanted to be a mother, to prove to myself that I was right. I wanted the opportunity to launch some great, well-adjusted citizens into the world. I don’t know what kind of mother I would have been, exactly, but I’m not as confident about my abilities as I once was, now that I’ve watched my sister raise her kids and I know how difficult it is. But I still might have liked the chance, and I didn’t get it. And though it’s technically not too late, and that window of opportunity isn’t completely closed, I still feel like I’m not going to have that experience, and maybe I need to bid it farewell. Because even if I got married tomorrow and gave birth to a baby within a year, it would be exhausting. I don’t know how women do that in their 40s. I don’t know that I would want to do it now. I do feel fortunate to have been able to live with my family these last five or so years, because I have been able to almost feel what it’s like to be a parent, and feel the unconditional love of children. People assume that it’s a sacrifice for me, but it’s been a blessing in my life.

Loss of security. When you’re young you don’t think about retirement. People talk to you about investing and saving money, and you do it because your company matches your retirement contribution, or whatever. You do it because it’s the wise thing to do. But you really don’t think a lot about that time in your life when you might be unable to work anymore. Sometimes, now, I worry about it. The economy hasn’t been kind to my retirement savings, and I haven’t been able to contribute to it for several years. I’ve been too distracted by my debt and contributing to that. Now that I’m getting more serious about dissolving the debt, I should probably be thinking about savings too. Or I could end up like my mother and a lot of other Americans guilty of poor planning, living on Social Security. Our nation is so in debt now that even Social Security isn’t something one can rely on.

Apparently I have some losses to mourn. I also have noticed that I compare myself to others. Like Tiburon, the exercise nazi. I just don’t want to work as hard as she does. Or MJ, whose flat, lean and firm abdomen is 16 years younger than mine. She works at it a lot harder than I ever wanted to. Or my mother, who I hope I don’t ever look like. "...define your success by self improvement instead of triumph over others. Good feelings don't have to come from 'I exercise more than my neighbor next door.' They can come from goals that are important to you and which you are setting and meeting. Channel competitive feelings, which we all have at times, into being the best you can be, whatever the endeavor—which is different from being better than someone else. Stop comparing yourself, because that leads to body hatred."

So maybe it’s time to get some new clothes and stop stressing about this weight gain, and focus instead on the underlying source(s) of my distress. "You have thirty or forty years ahead of you. Are you going to spend them worrying about the last ten pounds? Or are you going to grow up, learn from your failures instead of being demoralized by them, and use your considerable strengths?" Well said.