Thursday, April 08, 2010


An interesting anonymous question popped up over on my Formspring page. It required a little research to find the answer, so I thought I'd post it.

How old were you when you discovered/decided you were gay?

I was 30. Remember that Russian duo, the two young girls that made up a band called t.A.T.u.? They made this music video for their song "Ya Soshla S Uma" ("All the Things She Said") wherein they sang dressed in school uniforms in the rain. I turned on MTV one afternoon and it happened to be playing. It was the first time I had ever seen girls kissing. I found it fascinating and disturbing at the same time. I don't know how many times I watched that video. It may be even more disturbing to me now, realizing how young those girls were...


  1. oh that's awful.
    i've never seen that video before.
    I'd much rather picture girls playing in the rain together.

  2. I found it fascinating and disturbing as well. If I recall - they were also a couple?

  3. I think they were only a couple as far as their marketing was concerned. I understand they're both married now, to men, and at least one has children.

  4. So what was going through your head, as far as boys/girls the first 30 years, before that video?

  5. As far as I remember, in my mind I was pursuing a couple of things. One, what was expected of me (and what I expected from myself), which was a relationship with a boy. In fact, I wrote in my journal around this same time that there was this guy in my ward whose attention I was trying to win. I thought maybe if we hung out some, something might happen. And two, I was always looking for mothers, though that, I know now, was mostly subconsciously. It was some time before I allowed myself to let emotional attraction to females evolve into physical attraction.


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