bodies

When I was young, I had older brothers. I can say that in past tense because I don't have them anymore. They were step-brothers, and they pretty much left my life when their dad did. That was dad #2. Anyway, I physically wanted to be like them. I wanted to play basketball and baseball and football and soccer like they did, and I tried. I didn't want to be like them, because they were not very smart, and not very good, and they didn't do so well in school, and got in trouble a lot. I excelled where they didn't, and that was acceptable to me. But for some reason, I wanted to be more masculine. I imagine that because I tried to emulate their athletic skills, I probably also tried to walk and talk like they did too. Later, I wished I hadn't gone that far. I've had to work on redefining the walk and the talk.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am female and will always be female and have a female body, and that's okay with me. (Except for days like today, when I have cramps.)

But sometimes, when I look at men's clothing in all the catalogs that arrive in my mailbox, I think to myself, "If I had a man's body, I would rock that shirt."