Tuesday, February 23, 2010

digit ratios

Okay, so has anybody ever heard of this?

The ratio between index and ring finger is believed to be linked to exposure to the male hormone testosterone in the womb. On average, men tend to have longer ring fingers and women longer index fingers. The higher the testosterone, the greater the length of the ring finger and the more "masculine" the resulting child – whether male or female. Link

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley found the difference in the length between women's ring fingers and index fingers tend to be greater for lesbians than straight women. The same study also found that a greater difference in length of men's ring fingers and index fingers for gay men with several older brothers as compared to straight men. Link

I find this fascinating. This is my hand:

You can see that my ring finger is longer than my index finger, by about half an inch. According to the first article sited, "people with longer ring fingers tend to excel on the sports field, especially in running and football." I used to be somewhat athletic, but that's where it ends. I never was really good at any one sport.

"Scientists at the University of Bath found that children who had longer ring fingers are better with numbers-based subjects such as maths and physics, which are traditionally male favourites." Not so with me. If I am to fit into their study, I should have a longer index finger: "...longer index fingers indicated good verbal and literacy skills, where girls dominate."

But being exposed to more levels of testosterone in the womb? They may be onto something there. What do your fingers say about you?

More information: http://human-nature.com/nibbs/02/manning.html

Thursday, February 18, 2010

further quandary

I reason I guess I have a hard time calling or labeling myself gay or lesbian is not because I don’t believe in labels (heaven knows that in reality I accept enough of them), but because I seldom find myself attracted to other lesbians. I’m not just talking generalities, though if I’m going to fantasize about someone I would rather look at a feminine-looking girl. Call it fear, if you will (because I know that’s what some of you are thinking), but my close encounters with certain females who have chosen that path have not been experiences that leave me longing for more. Even Rachel (as I wrote her) fell for Heather when she was a divorcee and not even of a disposition to look for companionship of either gender. Perhaps Rachel is more like me than she realizes.

There really isn’t a pigeonhole for what I am attracted to. I know it when I see it, and when I see it, it’s usually a good Mormon girl whose manner or appearance strikes me a certain way.

Take my neighbor, the Ikea-loving friend I’ve mentioned before. I knew when I first watched her raise her hand and make a comment in a church class that I was going to like that girl. I knew I wanted her for my friend. She struck me as stable and funny and kind, and just out-of-reach. Yes, she’s friendly and warm, but there’s something about her that prevents any attempt at emotional intimacy. And don’t get me wrong, that’s a good thing, because otherwise I’d be her shadow. With all of my codependent tendencies, I’d latch on as if my life depended on it. And I don’t need that.

She left a message on my phone the other day, needing a favor for something, and I haven’t been able to erase it. I love the sound of her voice. I like to absorb it. I’ve played the message a few times and it makes me smile.

I know “normal” is relative, but my attraction to her seems “normal” to me. However it does make me wonder if I’m just destined to be single, if I find difficulty being attracted to people—male or female—who would welcome and return my attentions to the degree that a relationship developed. Feel free to disagree with me. I invite your arguments. I’m kind of in the mood to defend my position.

Tuesday, February 16, 2010

all about Rachel

Rachel has an appetite. I know, we all have appetites for some things, but when Alex is sans meds, Rachel’s appetites seem to grow boundless. What else would have prompted her to join a singles dating site and claim to be looking for other women? I tend to think that “normal,” socially well-adjusted people just don’t do that sort of thing. But what do I know? All I know is that medication helped keep her under control. And now that there is no medication, I can hear her growling.

She’s not a mean or an angry person, but she is kind of possessive, and quite driven. She will do whatever it takes to get what she wants, though that’s almost easy for her. She’s attractive. Attractive people seem to have a sort of magic about them—a magic way of getting people to do what they want them to do. People are drawn to her even though they may feel intimidated. They may hesitate to approach, but they still want to see and feel some of her glory. Even though she brandishes a do-not-disturb sign, people are fond of pushing her boundaries. She’s not very good with boundaries. Maybe others can sense this. The proverbial paparazzi are constantly trying to get that one perfect picture.

When I look at the world around me through Rachel’s eyes, I see all sorts of conquests to make. Not just people, but causes. Rachel’s favorite cause is her own popularity, and she is really quite determined to win. She wants all who would support her to flock to her banner. But even if they do not support it, she wants to be adored. Being liked is nice, but it’s not enough. She craves others’ interest. She wants a following. And, fortunately for her, she has one. I am afraid to think of how she would achieve one if they didn’t just randomly show up all the time.

When you first meet Rachel, you wonder what it is that draws you to her. She is not overly kind, although she’s polite. She’s not outgoing and immediately likeable, but she is seductive. She does not possess a Hollywood lure upon first glance, but something makes you want to look twice. She has a star quality that may not be immediately apparent.

After all this, you may wonder why she craves attention. Like the millionaire who buys up auction after auction without contentment, she is never satisfied. She will always want more.

current celebrity crush

Lena Headey. She's a recurring one, actually. I came across Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and I've been watching episodes from the first season. I remember when it was on television, although for some reason I wasn't much interested in it at the time. I'm a Terminator fan. Not a crazy one, but I liked the movies. So it's an interesting take, for a TV series. I probably won't watch them all, but they're entertaining me for now.

Tuesday, February 09, 2010


So you may have noticed I haven't been writing much. I feel the need to maybe explain why. For the first time in almost five years, I am not on any medication. I really like that. And yet, I wonder if I still need some. I have gained some weight back. I have a difficult time waking up in the morning, even though I’m getting enough sleep and I’m exercising. My motivation feels like it’s at an all time low. And yet I don’t really feel depressed. I just feel like there’s something that I need. But I don’t know what it is. And I don’t think my family physician knows either. The Prozac didn’t seem to make a dent. It really seemed like I was taking a placebo.

My mind feels scattered and unfocused. It’s hard to say what I want to say, with my voice. My mind has always been better at writing than speaking, but lately my tongue feels disabled. I don’t like that feeling.

A family friend, one who I can love and hate with equal intensity, doesn’t seem willing to help me anymore, and I don’t blame her at all. She did way more than anyone expected, getting me on Zoloft in the first place and helping me through some difficult times. But I know she has her own family to take care of. She did refer me to a doctor who is a behavioral health specialist, so he might be far more helpful than my family physician in prescribing me medication. I’ve been thinking I ought to call him and see if he’s accepting patients. If he isn’t, then now just isn’t the time, I guess. If he is, then maybe that’s what I need to do next.

Just thought you'd like to know.