further quandary

I reason I guess I have a hard time calling or labeling myself gay or lesbian is not because I don’t believe in labels (heaven knows that in reality I accept enough of them), but because I seldom find myself attracted to other lesbians. I’m not just talking generalities, though if I’m going to fantasize about someone I would rather look at a feminine-looking girl. Call it fear, if you will (because I know that’s what some of you are thinking), but my close encounters with certain females who have chosen that path have not been experiences that leave me longing for more. Even Rachel (as I wrote her) fell for Heather when she was a divorcee and not even of a disposition to look for companionship of either gender. Perhaps Rachel is more like me than she realizes.

There really isn’t a pigeonhole for what I am attracted to. I know it when I see it, and when I see it, it’s usually a good Mormon girl whose manner or appearance strikes me a certain way.

Take my neighbor, the Ikea-loving friend I’ve mentioned before. I knew when I first watched her raise her hand and make a comment in a church class that I was going to like that girl. I knew I wanted her for my friend. She struck me as stable and funny and kind, and just out-of-reach. Yes, she’s friendly and warm, but there’s something about her that prevents any attempt at emotional intimacy. And don’t get me wrong, that’s a good thing, because otherwise I’d be her shadow. With all of my codependent tendencies, I’d latch on as if my life depended on it. And I don’t need that.

She left a message on my phone the other day, needing a favor for something, and I haven’t been able to erase it. I love the sound of her voice. I like to absorb it. I’ve played the message a few times and it makes me smile.

I know “normal” is relative, but my attraction to her seems “normal” to me. However it does make me wonder if I’m just destined to be single, if I find difficulty being attracted to people—male or female—who would welcome and return my attentions to the degree that a relationship developed. Feel free to disagree with me. I invite your arguments. I’m kind of in the mood to defend my position.