Friday, March 18, 2011

why it's hard to be good

When I was young I remember complaining to my mother of being bored, and asking her what I could do to occupy myself. She always had ideas—things I could clean or organize, pictures I could draw, letters I could write, books I could read—but coming from her, these ideas always sounded tedious and as undesirable as my bored state. It took my coming up with my own idea, my own way out of the monotony of idleness, to cheer me up and make me happily occupied. I notice this same pattern with other children I observe. The best ideas are their own ideas.

I think the same sort of thing happens as adults with our heavenly Parent. We’ve been taught about the best ways to spend our time. We know what we need to be doing, and yet why does it seem so unappealing sometimes? Maybe some of it has to do with humility.

President Benson said, “Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of ‘my will and not thine be done.’ …Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled.”

When I say to myself or to others, “I just want to know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. If God would tell me, I would know what to do, and I would do it. And it would make me happy.” Even though in my heart I believe this, why don’t I do it? Why don’t I ask Him? And why don’t I then listen to the answers that would come?

Fear? And pride?

I know that if I ask, like asking my mother for a youthful occupation, He will have answers and ideas. And even though He will allow me to choose, I know that I will feel compelled to follow that counsel. If it comes directly from God, through the Spirit, it’s revelation to me, right? And revelation is not exactly a suggestion. It’s more like a commandment. Therefore, not heeding and obeying a commandment is essentially being rebellious and disobedient, and there are consequences for such behavior. I’ve lived long enough to know that. Maybe those consequences won't come in the form of punishment, but rather in the withholding of blessings. So isn’t ignorance more comfortable? If I don’t ask, I won’t know, I can’t disobey, and I won’t even miss the blessings I’m not getting. Right?

I know. It’s not that simple. Especially if, because of my divine nature, there are blessings I’m woefully aware that I’m missing out on. Those little tugs and pulls from my spirit aren’t about to go away. And there’s no satisfying them without proper obedience, or in other words, aligning my will with my Father’s.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

SWF seeks...

I think it’s kind of funny when my friends (and in this case, family), "set me up," so to speak, not with a date, but with a possible new best friend. A few years ago, my employer’s wife felt a special urgency to have me meet her neighbor. As some of us know, that blossomed into a fine friendship, even if I was a little stricken with her at first. But it seems like the one who started it knew that was going to happen, because she wasn’t at all surprised when it did.

Recently we had a new couple move into the ward. They’re newly married and don’t have any children yet. The wife is shameless about asking for new friends, and the ward has responded favorably. I like her. She’s daring and transparent and she has red hair. But for some reason, my sister has made a point to illustrate to me how much we have in common. As if she’s trying to get us to be good friends. I wonder at her motives and her thought process. Here are two lonely women in need of a best friend...perhaps they will hit it off with each other? If she’s not going to try very hard to date guys, here’s someone she can at least hang out with and enjoy? As wary as she was about my close friendship with MJ, does she feel a little sad that I don’t have a best friend anymore? And if that is what's behind it, I have to feel somewhat gratified that certain members of my family would place my happiness and comfort over what they would want for me, unlike my mother, who when flirting chatting with the local missionaries, loves to mention that she has a daughter who is still single, even though I’m old enough to have given birth to either of them.

But don't fret, dear readers (or rejoice, depending on your position), I do not think I have a new best friend in the works.

Monday, March 14, 2011

word of the day

It's charming and understated. I can't begin to describe how attractive it is. I wish writers would use it more and not give me so much information.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

current celebrity crush

I decided on my favorite. It's definitely Silvia (Marian Aguilera). Usually I only post a single picture, but there are so many that showcase her smoldering beauty, I couldn't decide on just one. Please enjoy.

Do I even need to mention her red hair? Even if it wasn't red, I would be totally sucked in by those dark eyes.

Tuesday, March 08, 2011

not attracted to gay

I think it’s interesting that of all the females I have been physically attracted to, including celebrities, none are actually gay. I’ve been trying to think of an exception, but I can’t. MJ may be an exception, but who really knows what she is. I doubt she even knows yet. What does this say about me? Do I not know or come in contact with enough women who are in order to make a choice or have an opportunity to pursue a relationship? Am I simply unconsciously attracted to safe people who aren’t going to hurt me? Am I just too scared to get close to anyone not already in my circle? Am I destined to be alone with my imagination for the rest of my life, writing my stories and living vicariously through the characters in movies and TV? That’s pretty sad.

So I’m attracted to females, but what is the point, if I will never find what I want? And what is it that I want? Because those seem to be conflicting things too. I want a physical relationship with a woman, but I don’t want a woman who wants other women. (Although it would be nice to have a woman who wanted only me.) And I want the blessings that the Lord is saving for me, which requires me to have a physical relationship with a man. Aside from celebrities, there are really very few people I find myself attracted to, but I would say that there are probably just as many males in that number as females. The difference is, I’m not afraid to befriend the females, even though they should be a lot more intimidating. There are even fewer people who impress me or who I admire, but probably the number of those is higher on the female side. Generally, women are just amazing, and I think most people, male and female, might agree with me. I’m hard on people—it’s true. But especially guys. Maybe because growing up, they were such a disappointment.

I think, maybe subconsciously, I have been starting to classify myself as gay, just because the idea of having a long-term, affectionate relationship with another female seems so comfortable and secure. But maybe that’s where the media is deceiving me again. I recently finished watching all of the Pepa and Silvia episodes of Los Hombres de Paco, who through the storyline of the show, wind up being a lesbian couple. I really became enamored by these characters, even though I kept saying to myself that I could never consider having a child together with another woman, or getting married or exchanging rings. The idea of that is just foreign to me. The culture I have grown up in doesn’t accept it and neither do I. But I sure enjoyed watching the friendship and the flirtatiousness and the fun that they had together—even the fighting. They were so crazy in love with each other, and no one in their lives disapproved, even though they may have been surprised by it at first. Does that really happen in the real world, or is it only in fiction? I tend to believe it’s only in fiction. And that’s why I enjoy my imaginary world so much. Anything can happen there.

But how long can I really live there and convince myself that I am content?

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

Los Hombres de Paco

I may be a little obsessed with a dramedy from Spain called, in English, Paco's Men. Like the girls from t.A.T.u., I can't decide which I like better: Pepa or Silvia. Pepa reminds me of Famke Janssen, whose looks I adore, and she's wild and uninhibited, but Silvia has red hair and her fear and reserve remind me of myself.

Why does it seem like I'm the last to know about these things?

Tuesday, March 01, 2011


I am speechless...

From the
Athleta website. Do you think maybe they're catering to a certain demographic? I'll buy the pants if she will deliver them.