Friday, February 27, 2009

the Alex awards, part two

Sexiest Celebrities, Male

#10 - Bill Paxton. Sure he's a little older, but so am I. He just does it for me.

#9 - Christian Bale. Fell in love with Newsies early on. Since then I've wanted to name a little boy Christian.

#8 - Josh Hartnett. Ever seen Wicker Park? Yummy!

#7 - Rob Thomas. I don't know exactly what it is, but whatever it is, he has it.

#6 - Patrick Wilson. One word: lips. Oh, and he can sing too.

#5 - Patrick Dempsey. No need to explain.

#4 - Zac Efron. The man all men should be built from.

#3 - Chris Evans. Another amazing body. The face is nice too.

#2 - Gerard Butler. Did we even have the word sexy before he came along?

And my all-time favorite, for many years running...

#1 - Jude Law. How can I get some of that?

There are many runners-up, but I'll stop here.

Thursday, February 26, 2009

the Alex awards

It’s time for some fun. Time for Alex’s very own awards show. My categories, my awards. First category:

Sexiest Celebrities, Female.

By “sexiest,” I mean beautiful (maybe only on the outside) enough to be worthy of worship. One may easily become obsessed with these…though I’m too old and too wise for that kind of nonsense anymore. They have a vulnerable, raw quality that draws me to them. And they smell good. I don’t know how else to explain that. Looks only, now. No other qualities in this contest.

#10 - Rhona Mitra. It helps to have a sexy accent.

#9 - Julianne Moore. I have a thing for redheads. Real ones. And freckles.

#8 - Bryce Dallas Howard. Better with less eye makeup.

#7 - Jennifer Connolly.

#6 - Amy Adams. I wasn't kidding about the redheads.

#5 - Rachel McAdams. But not blonde, please.

#4 - Claire Forlani. Amazing eyes.

#3 - Kate Beckinsale. Especially as a vampire.

#2 - Nigella Lawson, the domestic goddess. Another Brit. If you've never just watched this woman in her kitchen, it's a pleasure.

It’s very difficult to choose a number one, because I really don’t have a favorite. They are all among my favorites. But I don’t think you can find a bad picture of this woman.

#1 - Monica Bellucci. Italian this time.

And some close runners-up:

Neve Campbell
Charlize Theron
Sarah Michelle Gellar (naughty!)
Elisabeth Shue
Tea Leoni
Madeleine Stowe
Julia Ormond

So what do you think of my first list? Agree, disagree? Who are your favorites?

Wednesday, February 25, 2009


Concert tickets for the band Keane went on sale on Monday after they announced their North American tour, and I wanted to go. These were presale tickets. Because I’ve subscribed to their fan club on Facebook, I got an alert to buy them before they go on sale to the general public, and that’s always a bonus because they’re usually better seats. It’s a nice thing bands do for their fans.

My very good friend AE introduced me to them a few years back, after their first album Hopes and Fears was released, and I was quickly hooked. So naturally when I went to buy tickets, I thought of her. She may live far away, but the concert venue happens to be about halfway between where I live and where she lives, so it seemed perfectly convenient that we meet up and enjoy this together. I’m sentimental that way.

I sent her messages letting her know that the tour had been announced and that the tickets were on sale and that I would be buying some, and did she want to come with me...but the timing was off. I ended up buying only two and then finding out later that her husband wanted to go too. I could have bought three, and that would have been fine. SO. Instead of buying one more seat apart from the seats I had...she bought two more, leaving me with an extra ticket and someone else to invite. It was fine, I thought to myself. No problem. There’s got to be somebody else I know who likes Keane.

Well, I know that MJ does, though not to the extent that I do. I mean, she doesn’t even have the new album yet. I don’t know what made me ask her. Maybe because she really liked the concert we went to before, and she’s too young to have seen very many (any others), and she’s nice company and I could be nice and show her a good time. I don’t know. She didn’t seem too excited about it. Her response was more like, “Why not – I don’t have anything else to do that particular night,” rather than, “Cool! That sounds like fun!” Afterwards I thought maybe I should have asked a few others before I asked her, just in case I had some closet Keane fan for a friend and they could have been on the verge of wetting their pants about it like Tiburon.

So, again I have until May to prepare myself to enjoy the concert, despite the fact that AE and husband will be a few rows away and Tiburon and her spastic, concert-going friends will be several rows in front of us, and have absolutely NO expectations about my own companion. It would be a great show even if I went by myself. (And I’ve done that before.)

Monday, February 23, 2009


I’ve been experiencing a strange phenomenon lately. I used to be afraid of MJ’s mom. I used to feel self-conscious and anxious around her, as if she was looking for fault in me (when she probably wasn’t at all). Now I almost feel drawn to her. I still hesitate looking her in the eye, and I still feel the twist of anxiety in my stomach when I see her. But I almost feel a desire to interact with her. I want her to notice me. It’s very odd. There is obviously some kind of draw that she and MJ have in common—it’s something that I’m particularly attracted to, but I can’t quite name what it is.

I probably just need attention lately. I check my email inbox a little too frequently.

Friday, February 20, 2009


Why is it that I seem to lose steam with every new thing that I try? I have this great idea for a story to write and I’m excited about it only for a few days. I want to learn to play the guitar and yet I stop going to the classes halfway through. Why can’t I even go to a one-hour class for six weeks? And, then I get this great idea for a new career and I look into it for only a day or two. What instills perseverance in a person? And why don’t I have it?

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

see new quote

Made me laugh. Out loud.

Tuesday, February 10, 2009


Please DO NOT continue reading if you do not want to feel good. If you're in a bad mood or feeling sorry for yourself or practicing self-loathing of any kind, and you want to stay that way, STOP reading here.

Otherwise, be aware that the following will take approximately seven minutes of your time, so if you don't have seven minutes to spare, come back later. It will still be here. If you have the time, please enjoy. I hereby thank the creators of this snatch of inspirational wisdom--THANK YOU.

Oh, and come back anytime you like. Or bookmark it from YouTube. :)

Wednesday, February 04, 2009


I think I’ve turned another corner in my mortal journey. I really don’t know how it could have been avoided, but I realize now that I became too emotionally dependent on MJ. It’s not like I didn’t understand this before, but the difference is, now I realize it was not right. Now I realize what I should have done and how I should have behaved. There was a better way to have handled her desire for attention. It would have been better for both of us if I had stayed her mentor. Instead I became more like a girlfriend. I jumped at an opportunity to have someone to love, and I don’t think that was even what she was looking for. I don’t know, exactly, what it was that she was looking for, or what it is that she’s still trying to find, but if I had stayed the adult in the situation—the advisor, the confidante, a friend—things would never have happened like they did. I would not have suffered like I have.

So, I guess if I ever come across another young person that needs someone to listen to her/him, I’ll know what to do differently.

Tuesday, February 03, 2009


Last night I determined that lately I’m feeling the need to be “rescued.” I want a dietician to work with me on my meal planning. I want a cook to take care of my meals. I want a trainer to work with me on my exercise regimen. (I’ve been feeling a little fuller around the waist so this is obviously on my mind.) I want a therapist available to help me figure things out. And a massage therapist to work the stress out of my neck. I need a career coach to help me find a job that I will love. I feel like I’m on a sinking ship. Life just feels overwhelming right now. Maybe my medication needs to change.

Sunday, February 01, 2009


I haven’t yet completely understood why married people feel it is their obligation to set up their unmarried friends. Perhaps it is because marriage is so blissful that they just want to share the love. I don’t know. I don’t mind being set up. It gives me a chance to have a meal in a restaurant paid for by someone else once in a while. And I guess it’s supposed to be good practice—meeting new people and carrying on a conversation and all that. Interacting with people isn’t a problem for me. I’m fine at it. The trouble I have is being genuinely interested in what people have to say. Some people are really interesting, their conversation is funny and engaging, they entertain me. These are people I like to talk to. The others take a little more effort.

It wasn’t that he was uninteresting. It’s that I didn’t feel a connection. The more I think about it, I can’t remember a time when I’ve connected with a guy. Maybe I never have. I’ve been infatuated with certain ones, but not because I knew them at all. I just liked what I saw. I liked looks and qualities and whatever else, but I’ve never really liked a guy because I had made a connection with him and was interested in getting to know him better. This is quite a realization to me.

Girls are different. I connect with them easily and sometimes very quickly, and I rarely have any trouble finding one to connect with. But I guess guys are another matter.

I feel like a failure. I feel small and inexperienced and insignificant. Especially after having lunch with Mr M yesterday, after having nurtured a small morsel of hope after talking to my friend who wanted us to meet each other, that maybe I might get a chance to have a guy friendship—maybe even a first boyfriend.

I met him at the restaurant about noon. I had been at the temple all morning and had just been to visit my mother, and I was feeling fine. I was feeling like myself. I was really ready to just be myself. When he arrived, I had that same feeling I had when I first saw his picture on Facebook—that surge of disappointment, the fleeting feeling of sorrow that he just was not attractive to me. I really wanted him to be. But he just seemed old, with a round face and stick legs, and…not what I like to look at. I know I’m not a vision of perfect womanhood, and there’s a lot I don’t physically like about myself, so I don’t expect some gorgeous guy to fall madly in love with me. There’s just something—some kind of attraction I want to feel. And it wasn’t there.

But I put on a smile, and we went to order our food, and I hoped for a nice, relaxing, conversational meal. He seemed to be studying me. He didn’t ask a lot of questions. He did ask some, and I asked some, and he was not afraid to talk about himself, and point out his best qualities for me, and mention an accomplishment or two. And maybe that had some affect on my desire to talk, but I just lost interest. I did not want to share anything about myself with him. So I answered his questions pretty vaguely and I let my eyes wander around the room, and he probably picked up on it. He seemed curious and bewildered. He’s an intelligent person. He’s a people person. He’s probably learned to read people pretty well. When I had finished my food and most likely made it clear that I was done, with the food and with the get-together, he asked if I wanted to go and I mumbled something about needing to wash my car and feeling sleepy.

As we parted ways in the parking lot, he left me with, “Well, call me sometime.” In other words, I can tell you’re not very interested, so I’m leaving the ball in your court. If you’d like to get together again, I’ll let you call me.

There are other reasons I don’t think I’d make a good match for him. He talked about his ex-wife, and what happened with them, how she befriended some woman who was into alternative ways of thinking that seemed comical and unbelievable to him, and how she developed a kind of codependent (yes, he used that word) relationship with the woman and it was all very strange. Their children thought so too. And she couldn’t explain why she did that, after almost 20 years of being married. And when she realized what she was doing, it was too late because he was tired of it and wanted to move on. And I could almost see myself doing the same thing she had done.

He also talked about a girl he dated for a while, and how she had been physically and mentally abused by her father as a child, and raped as a teen, and how she had all of these problems and this baggage, and how he couldn’t understand her and how he wanted to help but felt helpless, and how you just don’t know what you’re getting into when you start finding yourself interested in someone. And I thought about all of my issues. And how I would only confuse and frustrate him if I allowed him to get to know me, and maybe get to like me. It just didn’t seem fair to expose him to all that.

So I left wanting to cry, like I had failed. Like I hadn’t passed the test. Like one after another these guys come along and they stand in front of me to be measured and judged, and I dismiss them without a thought. One by one I shoot them down. And people call me “picky.” Don’t I have a right to be picky about who I’m going to spend the rest of my life and eternity with?

But I can’t tell. I can’t tell if I’m being unfair, or if I am just afraid, or if I am justified.