not attracted to gay

I think it’s interesting that of all the females I have been physically attracted to, including celebrities, none are actually gay. I’ve been trying to think of an exception, but I can’t. MJ may be an exception, but who really knows what she is. I doubt she even knows yet. What does this say about me? Do I not know or come in contact with enough women who are in order to make a choice or have an opportunity to pursue a relationship? Am I simply unconsciously attracted to safe people who aren’t going to hurt me? Am I just too scared to get close to anyone not already in my circle? Am I destined to be alone with my imagination for the rest of my life, writing my stories and living vicariously through the characters in movies and TV? That’s pretty sad.

So I’m attracted to females, but what is the point, if I will never find what I want? And what is it that I want? Because those seem to be conflicting things too. I want a physical relationship with a woman, but I don’t want a woman who wants other women. (Although it would be nice to have a woman who wanted only me.) And I want the blessings that the Lord is saving for me, which requires me to have a physical relationship with a man. Aside from celebrities, there are really very few people I find myself attracted to, but I would say that there are probably just as many males in that number as females. The difference is, I’m not afraid to befriend the females, even though they should be a lot more intimidating. There are even fewer people who impress me or who I admire, but probably the number of those is higher on the female side. Generally, women are just amazing, and I think most people, male and female, might agree with me. I’m hard on people—it’s true. But especially guys. Maybe because growing up, they were such a disappointment.

I think, maybe subconsciously, I have been starting to classify myself as gay, just because the idea of having a long-term, affectionate relationship with another female seems so comfortable and secure. But maybe that’s where the media is deceiving me again. I recently finished watching all of the Pepa and Silvia episodes of Los Hombres de Paco, who through the storyline of the show, wind up being a lesbian couple. I really became enamored by these characters, even though I kept saying to myself that I could never consider having a child together with another woman, or getting married or exchanging rings. The idea of that is just foreign to me. The culture I have grown up in doesn’t accept it and neither do I. But I sure enjoyed watching the friendship and the flirtatiousness and the fun that they had together—even the fighting. They were so crazy in love with each other, and no one in their lives disapproved, even though they may have been surprised by it at first. Does that really happen in the real world, or is it only in fiction? I tend to believe it’s only in fiction. And that’s why I enjoy my imaginary world so much. Anything can happen there.

But how long can I really live there and convince myself that I am content?