Tuesday, March 08, 2011

not attracted to gay

I think it’s interesting that of all the females I have been physically attracted to, including celebrities, none are actually gay. I’ve been trying to think of an exception, but I can’t. MJ may be an exception, but who really knows what she is. I doubt she even knows yet. What does this say about me? Do I not know or come in contact with enough women who are in order to make a choice or have an opportunity to pursue a relationship? Am I simply unconsciously attracted to safe people who aren’t going to hurt me? Am I just too scared to get close to anyone not already in my circle? Am I destined to be alone with my imagination for the rest of my life, writing my stories and living vicariously through the characters in movies and TV? That’s pretty sad.

So I’m attracted to females, but what is the point, if I will never find what I want? And what is it that I want? Because those seem to be conflicting things too. I want a physical relationship with a woman, but I don’t want a woman who wants other women. (Although it would be nice to have a woman who wanted only me.) And I want the blessings that the Lord is saving for me, which requires me to have a physical relationship with a man. Aside from celebrities, there are really very few people I find myself attracted to, but I would say that there are probably just as many males in that number as females. The difference is, I’m not afraid to befriend the females, even though they should be a lot more intimidating. There are even fewer people who impress me or who I admire, but probably the number of those is higher on the female side. Generally, women are just amazing, and I think most people, male and female, might agree with me. I’m hard on people—it’s true. But especially guys. Maybe because growing up, they were such a disappointment.

I think, maybe subconsciously, I have been starting to classify myself as gay, just because the idea of having a long-term, affectionate relationship with another female seems so comfortable and secure. But maybe that’s where the media is deceiving me again. I recently finished watching all of the Pepa and Silvia episodes of Los Hombres de Paco, who through the storyline of the show, wind up being a lesbian couple. I really became enamored by these characters, even though I kept saying to myself that I could never consider having a child together with another woman, or getting married or exchanging rings. The idea of that is just foreign to me. The culture I have grown up in doesn’t accept it and neither do I. But I sure enjoyed watching the friendship and the flirtatiousness and the fun that they had together—even the fighting. They were so crazy in love with each other, and no one in their lives disapproved, even though they may have been surprised by it at first. Does that really happen in the real world, or is it only in fiction? I tend to believe it’s only in fiction. And that’s why I enjoy my imaginary world so much. Anything can happen there.

But how long can I really live there and convince myself that I am content?


  1. Does this mess with your fantasy vs real world idea to know that there indeed is the possibility that a gay woman could be in a relationship with you, (physical, affectionate, comfortable, and secure), and want only you? Cuz it can happen.

    Yet there's that difficulty it presents as such a relationship would preclude your other desire to have the blessings which come from a relationship with a man.

    Keeping it as fantasy is sure safe. And leaves an opening for the man thing. It may just be too scary to make that fantasy something more real ... I'm not sure that's a "bad" thing at all. I'm a believer in the idea that if you need to make another choice, you'll know.

  2. The power of suggestion is apparently strong with me. You mention that I read all these blogs but never comment. So, I'm commenting. :)

    I'm just perusing your blog because I haven't until today. And I'm finding that we share many of the same thoughts, quandaries and ideas. I too want all the blessings the Lord has in store for me. I really do. But I can't bring myself to really date guys - I just cannot relax and be comfortable with them - unless I know they have no interest in me. I cannot connect emotionally with them. So here I am. Doing the best I can - knowing that those I can totally connect with, and feel comfortable with, and enjoy being with can only ever be to a certain level. Maybe I'll have to blog about this idea myself.

    Again, thanks for putting my thoughts and ideas into words.

  3. I thought this was a fascinating entry. It struck me how much you are in love with fantasy. It reminded me a little of my male clients who are so in love with porn that they struggle to find a real woman who can keep them motivated to stay in and work on a real relationship.

  4. I enjoy my imaginary worlds too--but I think I'm getting to the point where it isn't enough. What I can do about that, I don't know.

    But I'm curious: why do you think the Lord has blessings saved for you that you can only have if you engage in a physical relationship with a man? I'm actually uncomfortable with the concept of God giving or withholding particular blessings in any case.

  5. I do still think that there are blessings that will be enjoyed only in a physical relationship with a guy, because if I have a physical relationship with a girl, I may really like it. It may be the best thing I think I've ever experienced, but the Lord can't sanction that relationship because it's against His will. But in a marriage with a man, sanctioned by the Lord because it will happen in His temple and will have His approval, I know I will feel that approval. I don't know what blessings He will give me if I get to have that experience, but I trust that if I make the choice He wants me to make, he will bless me.


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