tangent

I'm just going to throw this out here because it's on my mind. And I don't get any feedback by putting it in my journal.

Lately being at work is kind of like being at home—without television and children. There is so little to do that I have brought projects from home to keep myself busy. This is worrisome, because when it’s slow at the office (no telephone calls), it comes back to make us suffer later. No money comes in. And when no money comes and the accounts receivable is low, no bills get paid. Not only no bills, but no paychecks. I was pretty stressed about it on Tuesday.

That night when I opened my scriptures, I found myself in the book of Fourth Nephi, where the people are happy and content. And righteous.

And the Lord did prosper them exceedingly in the land; yea, insomuch that they did build cities again where there had been cities burned...And now, behold, it came to pass that the people of Nephi did wax strong, and did multiply exceedingly fast, and became an exceedingly fair and delightsome people. And they were married, and given in marriage, and were blessed according to the multitude of the promises which the Lord had made unto them. And they did not walk any more after the performances and ordinances of the law of Moses; but they did walk after the commandments which they had received from their Lord and their God, continuing in fasting and prayer, and in meeting together oft both to pray and to hear the word of the Lord.

And I realized that the only thing I really need to worry about is keeping the commandments of God. And everything else will take care of itself.

So I wondered what I needed to do that I haven’t been doing. I have three callings in my ward: 1) primary teacher, 2) visiting teacher, 3) music chair. Teaching primary is pretty easy. Visiting teaching, not so much. My companion and I have some sisters assigned to us who can be difficult to nail down. Sometimes I try to contact them, either by email or phone, and if they don’t call me back, I wait until the following month to try again. My problem with the two more difficult ones is that I don’t care about them like I should. They could be removed from my list and I would not care. In fact, I would be happy because I wouldn’t have to keep trying month after month to contact them and get an appointment that I don’t want anyway. Isn’t that horrible? I’m lacking in charity for these “dear” sisters.

And my third calling I have been avoiding altogether. I do not want to ask people to sing or play an instrument in sacrament meeting. I have no desire to fill up the calendar with musical numbers. I like listening to musical numbers when they are presented, if they are well done. But internally I am whining about why I have to have this calling at all. I don’t want it. I didn’t want it when it was offered to me, but I didn’t feel like I could refuse. And now I am stuck with it and I don’t know how to gain some desire to be obedient.