It has come to my attention lately that our individual motives in pursuing our friendship were entirely different. Since this makes me uncomfortable and fills me with remorse, I feel like I need to apologize to you. I know I have apologized before. But with each new light that goes on in my mind, I feel like I have new things for which to be sorry.
I cannot be sure of your intent in getting close to me. I have come to believe that you just wanted someone to love and understand you, and treat you like an adult, and listen and care about what you wanted and what you were thinking. Those are basic needs. I think we all want that. Validation. I hope that I gave you that. Beyond those desires, I truly cannot know.
You must know that in the beginning, my motives were pure. I wanted to be a friend, a confidante, a mentor. I wanted to show you that life could be great, and that it was all in your perspective. I’m not sure where the boundaries got crossed exactly. It’s all very hazy now—all of that. But it’s pretty obvious they got crossed somewhere.
MJ, I’m sorry. If ever there was a time when my behavior made you feel uncomfortable, uneasy, used or violated, I did not intend that. I never wanted to cause you any of those kinds of feelings.
And, if at this point in your life, you don’t quite know what I mean, that’s good. And I hope you never do.
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You know what you should write.. "dear MJ.. let's split the blame 50/50.. ever yours, "
ReplyDeleteThat's what I would want to write to my friend. ;-)
This breaks my heart a little bit.
ReplyDeleteYou should not assume 100% responsibility.
AGREED! (in part) With the other two comments that is, and in all reality it's a bit of a slap to MJ that you think she was/is incapable of acting on her own thoughts and wants and desires. She was a participant and it's kinda insulting that you would take it all on you. I wouldn't say blame is the right word, or fault for that matter, because was what it was, a moment you shared in your lives together. And you are both who you are today because of those experiences, good or bad, right or wrong in whoevers eyes you will allow yourself to be judged. Just accept that things happen for reasons and enjoy that you have memories and moments of joy.
ReplyDelete:) You've owned your part, which is all you can do. I salute you, my friend!
ReplyDeleteDitto, ditto, ditto, ditto.
ReplyDeleteHow many times during your friendship did you take a step back telling MJ that it was too much, you were too close, you needed to be careful?? A LOT!
She was not ignorant of your feelings. She continued to pursue a friendship with you in spite of your concerns. Just because you are the "elder" friend doesn't mean you assume all of the responsibility. She's just as accountable.
I think your acknowledgment of your part in this painful mess is brave and a healthy step in the right direction. Bravo!!
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