The other day I caught myself doing that thing that I do—that internal dialogue where I tell myself that someone of the male species couldn’t possibly be interested in me. I was in my car and pulled up to a four-way stop. Another car pulled up at the cross street on my right. I got there slightly before he did, but the law says that if two cars arrive at a four-way stop at the same time, the car on the right has the right-of-way, right? So I waited to see if he would accept having the right-of-way, or if he would let me go first because I got there first. Well, how do I describe the fleeting nanosecond of time that allowed me to label him gentlemanly? We looked at each other, as drivers do, having a clear view of each other, and he smiled. Most people don’t smile. Most people glance absently and keep on driving, which is exactly what I did. But in the millisecond it took for me to cross the intersection, I realized that he smiled, and I mentally took a step back to see where my thoughts had automatically gone. And there they were, chiding my self for daring to believe that a male would actually smile at me. And if he knew me, really, he would not have smiled. He probably wouldn’t even have noticed there was a car in front of him. That’s how invisible I make myself feel.
I have an idea where and when these tapes started to play in my mind, and I know they’ll stay there unless I replace them with more positive affirmations of my self-worth, but the frustrating thing is that they’re still there. Even though I recognize them. Even though I consciously want to change them. How silly is it not to smile at a stranger who first smiles at you, when they’re safely in their vehicle and do not pose any sort of threat?
Now if it had been a harmless female person, my smile would have been (I like to think) automatic.
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Practice smiling. It will get easier.
ReplyDeleteI used to have a hard time hugging people (my sister still has a hard time with that). But I really wanted to be "that" kind of person - the kind (you know, the sweet old lady at church.. even if she isn't old, who would come put her arm around your shoulder when saying hi, or give you a hug (a real hug) when you really need one)).. You know.. 'that' kind of person. It was in me somewhere - but I had to work to get where I was comfortable reaching out physically that way. And I'm very comfortable with it now. It's wonderful. But the first while (year or more? I don't know how long it took. probably 30 years ;-) ) was scary and I just had to force myself out of my comfort zone.
That said, I generally don't vote for forcing myself to do anything that far out of my CZ. ;-)
It's good that you were able to notice where your thoughts went. Awareness and mindfulness are good things, especially in regards to a behavior that perhaps you'd like to change.
ReplyDeleteI've learned that it's easier to change actions first, because the overpractice of a behavior leads to changes in thought.
They actually have positive affirmations on CD that you can buy. Maybe even on iTunes. I have a friend who tried listening to them for thirty days and she said it made an amazing difference. It was still tough somedays, and it was a lot easier to believe the positives she was hearing. She said she wasn't as hard on herself.
You're right...he was a stranger and you'll probably never see him again. But that doesn't mean you can't smile at the next stranger who happens to smile at you.
Smile all day long.
ReplyDeleteAnd I agree that it is good you can recognize.