the source

The source of the pain is the emotional distancing she’s doing. I'm not mourning that I won’t see her or spend time with her or that we won’t be friends anymore. All that is still intact. But she’s not in the same frame of mind. She doesn’t crave me or my attention, my touch, my glance, anymore. But will it return? Because sometimes I was like this with her (and I can feel regret for the way I made her feel, but I don’t think I could control it, and neither can she), but it always came back around again. Maybe she is stronger, and maybe she’s made her mind up about what she wants, and so it has no chance of returning. And one part of me hopes that it does not return, so that I can be free of the lure of her, so that I can move on too. Of course the codependent part hopes for it to come back—just once more. Because I miss reaching for her hand and feeling her response. I miss knowing that I’ll get the response I expect. Now, not only do I wonder if it would be there at all, but I refuse to try, because I suspect she doesn’t want it and I can’t handle feeling that rejection.

So it makes me wonder, would it better to cut myself off from her completely? Instead of carrying on, pretending we’re still friends the way we used to be? Would it hurt less if I didn’t see her, didn’t spend time with her, didn’t look at her and wish she would still look at me that way? Or would it hurt more? Because I’ve done all of this before but I can’t remember.

At the same time, I find myself prowling for someone else. Watching people, listening to their voices, imagining interactions with them. The euphoria is gone and it feels so empty without it, so I’m seeking for it again. Will the cycle just keep repeating itself? Will I ever learn how to redirect it so that my life and my relationships can be different? That was a question directed at me from a friend. I didn’t think to ask it. All I could comprehend was that I was looking again.