still detaching...

Why does this hurt so badly? I never expected separation from MJ to be so difficult. There was a time, back when I tried to initiate it, that it would have been welcome for her to be busy doing other things. Why is it so different now? Did I lose myself somewhere, because I’m still doing the things I’ve always done, on my own. My own projects still call to me from my bedroom and I’m engaged and productive. But depressed.

I have been tired, so I decided to go to bed early last night. Fortunately the whole house had decided the same thing, because it was quiet by 9:00. I was in bed reading when MJ sent a text message that she wanted to watch the last episode in the season of Ghost Whisperer we’ve been trying to get through. I didn’t mind getting out of bed to do that, but my sister likes to watch it too and I wasn’t going to go drag her out of bed as well. Besides, I was reading Codependent No More, about taking care of myself. So I figured if I was tired and in bed already, was it taking care of myself to get out of bed and watch a show that would keep me awake until at least 10:30, when my goal was to be in bed earlier than usual? Not really. So I sent back a text that we could not watch it tonight. She complained and wanted an explanation and lamented that she would not be able to wait until next week, but she really could not win this one. If turning her away was supposed to make me feel any better, it didn’t.

I’m supposed to pay attention to my “inner child,” and listen to her and find out what she wants. What does she want right now if my stomach hurts and I want to cry? How do I console her?