the grief process

I learned something from Codependent No More last night. Chapter 12: “Learn the Art of Acceptance.” There’s this process we go through, called the grief process, which happens whenever people experience any kind of loss. “When this process begins, we usually feel shock and panic. As we go through the stages, we often feel confused, vulnerable, lonely and isolated. A sense of loss of control is usually present, as is hope, which is sometimes unrealistic.” I have experienced loss lately—the loss of closeness with my good friend MJ. As I read through these steps, I could clearly see how I went through each one.

The first is denial. There were many times when I tried to tell myself it wasn’t really happening, that her detachment was a phase she was going through, and that she would either get discouraged or she would miss the way things were, and she would be back. “Denial is the shock absorber for the soul. It is an instinctive and natural reaction to pain, loss and change. It protects us. It wards off the blows of life until we can gather our other coping resources.” I did not want it to happen, and so it wasn’t happening.

The second is anger. There wasn’t a whole lot of this for me, but I do remember feeling tired and fed up with it all. The roller coaster ride was getting old, and I just wanted to forget about it, bag the whole deal and move on. I guess this was partly denial too.

The third is bargaining. “We are not attempting to postpone the inevitable; we are attempting to prevent it.” I thought if I was patient, and kind, and gave her her space, that she would realize that she was powerless to retreat, and she would be back, and things would resume as normal. Or, sometimes I’ve thought that if I went about my own business and she felt me detaching, she would panic and come running. The ol’ reverse psychology trick.

The fourth step is depression. No need to elaborate here. I’m very practiced at being depressed. “When we see our bargain has not worked, when we finally become exhausted in our struggle to ward off reality, and when we decide to acknowledge what life has socked to us we become sad….This is the time to cry, and it hurts.”

And finally, acceptance. “After we have closed our eyes, kicked, screamed, negotiated, and finally felt the pain, we arrive at a state of acceptance.” Here is the reality: MJ has moved on with her life. She has severed her attachment to me and is ready to look into preventing the same from happening again with someone else. She is growing up and making decisions at a turning point in her life. She is deciding where the rest of her life will go. “[I am] at peace with what is. [I am] free to stay; free to go on; free to make whatever decisions [I] need to make. [I] have accepted [my] loss, however minor or significant.” To me, it was significant.