Wednesday, November 12, 2008


I keep a journal pretty regularly. I say that I do it because I can't remember things, but it's really because I like to write, and because I like to read what I have written. Sometimes, just for fun, I like to turn back the pages of time and read about what was on my mind a year ago, or two years ago, etc. It's a way to remember how I felt about a period of time when I can't presently remember. Take three years ago, for example: November, 2005. I was just getting to know MJ.

"I’m guessing the devil has found a loophole. In MJ he’s found a new way to get to me. I find myself thinking about her...wondering when I’ll see her again and when I will receive another of her letters. He’s twisting something friendly and fun into something sick, which is his way...

"I often experience adversity like this and I feel an uncommon sense of gratitude. Somehow these experiences will make me stronger, if I continue to make the right choices. Struggle is invigorating to me. In other words, because I feel things in the midst of struggle that I don’t normally feel, I revel in the unfamiliar but welcome sensations. I’m grateful to feel them, whether they’re difficult or not.

"...I hoped that she would still be [at my sister's] when I returned. I hadn’t seen her in a week. And she was. She was there on the couch, in her usual silence, holding [one of my nieces] who was sick. I started to play with [another niece] over on the other couch, stealing glances at her. She didn’t seem very happy. I just kept feeling this desire, this urgency, to be in contact with her. I just wanted physical contact. It was a strange and fascinating feeling, and I actually had to fight it."

It's almost like the situation was brand it had never happened before.

1 comment:

  1. Reading your journal, it strikes me how much your happiness is dependent on things you can't control- the behaviors of others. Friendship and romance are food for the soul, but if that is our only or even primary diet, we're actually in a constant state of starvation. We can't live on that (emotionally), as humans. It's too unpredictable etc... and it's not enough. In the happiest marriages and families, each individual finds emotional food, if you will, in a variety of things: music, religion, work, physical activity, personal goals, other friends and relationships etc... If one of them were to cling to another and base their happiness on that person's devotion to them, there would be instant unhappiness, dissatisfaction etc... I just don't think we're designed to be the sole provider of emotional fulfillment to each other.
    It's interesting to watch newlyweds figure this out. At first, the other person is everything. But in time, they learn that they need more. They need a full life to be truly happy.


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