reunion

I got together with some of my college roommates for lunch this weekend. There was the “what are you doing now?” talk, and “what has happened in your life that you never expected?” and inquiries about husbands and children and jobs. But to me, the most interesting topic was “What are they doing now?” We talked about other roommates, former boyfriends, crushes, and others who lived in our apartment complex. There was this certain apartment of boys who became good friends, and four of the six ended up choosing an alternate lifestyle. There was much discussion about this phenomenon—how we never would have suspected it back then, how homosexuality wasn’t talked about. But I suspected. I was not surprised by the news when I found some of these boys on Facebook.

I wondered, as we talked about them, what some people might have suspected about me. It was entertaining to be part of this conversation and imagine them talking about me in a similar way. I don’t consider myself a homosexual (which is the word one of them kept using). (I guess, technically, if I had to categorize myself, I’d be bisexual, because I am attracted to both genders, although I’m more comfortable with women.) But I imagined what that conversation might have been like if I had chosen a different path somewhere along the way. I also imagined what the conversation might be like ten years from now, depending what I choose to pursue in that time.

I can imagine a lot of things, but I really cannot imagine myself leaving the church. I think I would be so unhappy. Even if I found someone to love, and the life I chose to live with her was in opposition to the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I don’t think that would make me happy. In my mind, I don’t sacrifice what I truly want to stay in the church. If I left the church, I would be sacrificing what I love and what sustains me to satisfy a temporary appetite. That’s the way I really see it.

I have great respect for those who struggle and are tempted to stray but continue to be true to what they believe. I especially admire those who choose to be obedient even though they would really like to follow the desires of their heart, and what they want is contrary to their testimonies. In other words, I admire those who would normally choose a partner of the same gender, and yet they choose one of the opposite gender, not because they’re expected to, but because they have faith. And I’m sure they are richly blessed for that choice, even though it may not seem like it.