Friday, June 12, 2009


This is the part of moody that really bugs me:

MJ sends me a text this morning, wanting to go see a movie tonight. We both look at the listings to see what’s playing, but can’t decide on anything. I suggest Wolverine, the third X-Men, but she hasn’t seen #2. So I suggest she rent it and bring it over. I don’t mind seeing it again. But really, I do. I can think of better ways to spend my time than watching a movie I’ve already seen.

So I get home, do the at home stuff, wonder when she’s going to come. My mind gets obsessed with the fact that she’s coming. I keep thinking about it. Even though it’s really not a particular joy to have her here. It’s more like a burden, especially when she’s not talkative. I tell my sister she’s coming and bringing a video to watch, so my sister puts off watching what she wanted to watch. We’re all pretty much in waiting mode.

Then I get another text, about 6:30 (although I don’t check my phone until 7:30), saying that “something’s come up.” That’s her phrase lately: something’s come up. No details, no clue as to what might be more important. Just something’s come up and can we go tomorrow?

Then I feel disappointment—resentment—that I spent so much of my time waiting when I didn’t have to. I could have gone somewhere. Not that I had any alternate plans, but I could have had. I’m mad at myself. I feel stupid and vulnerable. I feel irritated at her, even though I logically have no reason for it. And at the same time, I’m relieved that she isn’t coming. I didn’t want her to in the first place. I didn’t want to have to deal with entertaining her or trying to get her to talk.

WHY DO I CARE? Why does it matter what she’s up to, what she’s thinking about, where she’s going, or whether or not I’m going to see her? I should not care after all this time.

At times like these I very much dislike being female.


  1. That part of moody really bugs me too ;-)

  2. Regardless of your history, hanging around and waiting for something that is ultimately cancelled is just downright annoying. Go ahead and be bugged!

  3. oh Tib, you just don't understand (we obsessive types)


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