moods

This is the part of moody that really bugs me:

MJ sends me a text this morning, wanting to go see a movie tonight. We both look at the listings to see what’s playing, but can’t decide on anything. I suggest Wolverine, the third X-Men, but she hasn’t seen #2. So I suggest she rent it and bring it over. I don’t mind seeing it again. But really, I do. I can think of better ways to spend my time than watching a movie I’ve already seen.

So I get home, do the at home stuff, wonder when she’s going to come. My mind gets obsessed with the fact that she’s coming. I keep thinking about it. Even though it’s really not a particular joy to have her here. It’s more like a burden, especially when she’s not talkative. I tell my sister she’s coming and bringing a video to watch, so my sister puts off watching what she wanted to watch. We’re all pretty much in waiting mode.

Then I get another text, about 6:30 (although I don’t check my phone until 7:30), saying that “something’s come up.” That’s her phrase lately: something’s come up. No details, no clue as to what might be more important. Just something’s come up and can we go tomorrow?

Then I feel disappointment—resentment—that I spent so much of my time waiting when I didn’t have to. I could have gone somewhere. Not that I had any alternate plans, but I could have had. I’m mad at myself. I feel stupid and vulnerable. I feel irritated at her, even though I logically have no reason for it. And at the same time, I’m relieved that she isn’t coming. I didn’t want her to in the first place. I didn’t want to have to deal with entertaining her or trying to get her to talk.

WHY DO I CARE? Why does it matter what she’s up to, what she’s thinking about, where she’s going, or whether or not I’m going to see her? I should not care after all this time.

At times like these I very much dislike being female.