Wednesday, October 22, 2008


It smells like winter now. There was frost on the grass this morning, and the leaves are falling off the trees. The seasons are supposed to change—that’s how it works.

MJ is detaching. She’s trying to tell me she isn’t, in an attempt, I guess, to make it easier for me, but she is. And she is right to be trying to. I admire her, for being intuitive enough to know what this codependency thing is all about at age 20 and for doing something about it. She’s trying to move on and make something of her life, and I would be selfish to get in her way. I have been feeling selfish. I have been thinking of myself, and basking in self pity. Because suddenly she has direction and I seem to have lost mine.

This is a good opportunity for me. When I decided I was codependent and not gay, I embraced the idea because it was so much more acceptable to me. It was something I could work through, and talk about, because it didn’t seem so shameful. But instead of just theoretically embracing it, I literally embraced it. I let it define me. And now I’m trapped there temporarily, until I find my way out.

I’ve actually been feeling bad about myself—rejected and unattractive—because MJ is moving on. Because her world is not revolving around mine, I started feeling unloved. I’m actually looking for acceptance from outside of myself, without even realizing I was doing it!

Maybe it’s time to read some Melody Beattie again.


  1. Why do you feel that co-dependancy is better then, not equal to being "gay"?

    Some professionals say that "co-dependancy" is just a simple justification for an unhealthy outlet.

    Is it because co-dependancy has been clinically listed as an ailment and "gay" is a "choice"?

    Does this then make it not a "sin" to feel the way you do?

    Just a couple of thoughts...I am curious to hear your take.

  2. Discovering codependency was a relief for me. The emotional attachment and all of the problems that accompany it were something I couldn't figure out, so I labeled it "gay." But it is not. I do feel attracted to females, but that's a different issue.

    In my case, both are controllable, both are hard, but being codependent, in our society, is more socially acceptable and in my opinion, more common. I think everyone is codependent to some extent. And certainly, being LDS, being codependent doesn't go against any of my covenants.

    However, it is still a "sin" in the sense that it is an addiction, just like any other addiction, and must be quelled or it can get out of control and become harmful to myself and to others. And if the whole purpose of life is to be happy, codependency isn't going to get me there, so I don't think it's what God wants for me.


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