distance

MJ has been distancing herself lately. I want to say that I wonder if it’s a conscious decision she’s making, or if it’s just circumstantial, because she has homework, and family stuff, or whatever. But if she is like me, which she is, it’s a conscious decision. It’s good. It should be good. She’s not as available as she used to be, she’s busy with school, making decisions about her life, her career—she’s being more productive, which is what I want for her. It used to irritate me that she wasted so much time, that she would just come over here and watch us, entertained, but mostly bored. I hate being bored, and I didn’t like feeling like I had to entertain her. I’ve become used to it now, but I did continue to believe that she needed to be busier, and more productive. Idleness is not happiness, and is actually pretty dangerous.

She used to drop anything for me.

My family is going to Lake Powell this weekend, so I made arrangements for someone to come and clean the carpets while they are gone. I sent MJ a text and asked if she would help me move couches. I expected a typical answer, something like, “Sure, just tell me when.” But instead I got that she wasn’t sure, that she had to make sure she had her reading done but that it should work.

She used to come over every night, or at least three nights a week.

This week I’ve seen her for an hour, which was last night about nine. I don’t know what to feel. The codependent side of me wants to be hurt, to confront her and ask her what she’s up to. But the healthy side tells me that she’s doing what she needs to do for herself. She’s a lot younger than I am and has a lot to do. Her life could go a little differently than mine did. JP will be home from his mission next month. I know she’s looking forward to that. Maybe she’s preparing for a mission herself, and she knows that the separation will be hard, so she’s starting now.

I used to get text messages from her periodically during the day.

This week, I only get a message if I send one first and she responds. There’s no conversation, no random thoughts. Did she get tired of sending messages and not getting responses from me? Or is this just part of her master plan of gradually pulling herself away?

I have to wonder. When you’re used to things the way they are, and they start changing with no explanation, you have to wonder.