drama

If I don't see MJ on a particular day, she requires me to say good night via text when I go to bed. Just saying good night gets repetitive and boring, so I try to mix it up. Last night I quoted some lyrics from Paul McCartney's "Maybe I'm Amazed." But she wasn't familiar with the song, so it confused her. She felt the need to reassure me.

MJ: If you’re just spouting lyrics, you can go ahead and go to bed. But you don’t need me. You just think you do.
me: I only spew lyrics when they apply.
MJ: Even so, you don’t need me as much as you think you do. But regardless, I still love you as much as I always have. (Here is some reassurance, knowing I've kind of been feeling insecure lately.)
me: Why does it feel different? (I decided to plow forward at this point.)
MJ: What? My love?
me: Yes, the bond. There’s distance in it.
MJ: I can’t deny that, but you will always have a special bond with me, no matter what the distance. (Admittance plus reassurance. It's exactly what I would have done. I've taught her well. ;) )
me: So I am not imagining it.
MJ: It had to happen eventually, right? If I wanted to move on with my life?
me: Yes. It just threw me off. You’ve always been the consistent one. I’m the one who fluctuates.
MJ: Yes, I know. It threw me off too. I didn’t expect it.
me: What happened?
MJ: You know, I’m not sure. I just got busy with other things and found myself wanting more, for me. So I started getting consumed with what I wanted and it felt good for a change—putting myself first. It just sort of happened.
me: What are you doing that you weren’t doing before?
MJ: Trusting the Lord more, and trying to picture what I want my life to look like in the end. (What the crap can I possibly say to that?)
me: Well then, how can I complain? I know it’s good, what’s happening. I just have to adapt.
MJ: I know what position you are in, and to be honest, I didn’t like it at all, which was probably obvious. But if it weren’t for that, I’d probably still be just as messed up as when I was 16. So really I should be thanking you. Thank you. You still mean everything to me, and that won’t change. I’ve already promised you. (More reassurance. Good girl.)
me: You’re thanking me for the times when I pushed you away?
MJ: Weird, I know. But just so we’re clear, I’m NOT pushing you away.
me: Just reprioritizing.
MJ: Right. I need you to stay in my life. You’re one of the puzzle pieces.
me: I’m happy to stay. I’m just not ready for things to be different.
MJ: How much different can they get right now? Not much.
me: It’s already different or we would not be having this conversation. I’m just feeling resistant.
MJ: Well, we can still do our crazy boring stuff. (What is it that we do again?)
me: I’m glad we talked about it. I was afraid to.
MJ: Does it makes you feel better about it, or worse?
me: Better. It’s out in the open.
MJ: OK. I’m glad you asked because I didn’t know how to bring it up.

Her communication skills have vastly improved since
she was 16.

I think what I will miss the most is the affection. The time won’t be such a problem, because I live with a busy family and there will be a new baby next year and I don’t ever worry about being bored. I’m sure I will miss her. Especially when she moves away, which will probably happen next year too, when she turns 21. Her parents have said she needs to be out on her own, and I agree. It will just be hard to have her farther away, even if it’s only two cities away. I can’t see myself going to hang out at her apartment in college town, with roommates around. It just makes me wonder what we will do to remain friends. It makes me think it will be just like Amanda. She’ll get involved in school and make new friends and end up getting married and we’ll grow apart and never talk anymore. It makes my stomach hurt just thinking about it.

But why did I ever think it would turn out any differently? Of course that was what was going to happen. I always knew that, always expected it. She would not believe it, because she hasn’t done this several times already. But I have done this before. I know how it works.

Why does the cycle keep repeating itself? Isn’t it time that I moved on with my life and found someone nice and masculine to settle down with? I want someone whose life I can share, whose family I can be adopted into, who will be accepted and loved among my family, who does not have a separate life apart from me. I want someone who does not need to make life decisions without me and make me less of a priority than I once was. I want to be first! Well, second to God. That’s how it’s supposed to be. I would be thrilled to be second.