Monday, August 11, 2008


A question was asked:

Do you feel [Rachel] "overtook" you when you became her (how did you put least in your mind), or do you feel you allowed yourself to be overtaken?

Hindsight is one of those really helpful things that life gives us. Using that and my limited memory, I would say that I never lost control of myself, that I turned Rachel on when I wanted her around, and when I didn't or it was inconvenient or embarrassing for her to show her face, I stuffed her back into my pocket. I never lost my ability to choose who I wanted to be, which also allowed me the freedom to decide to axe her when I felt like I had taken the fantasy too far. I'm not saying that was easy to do. Her way of thinking had become habitual. I had to retrain myself to clean up my thoughts and try to act appropriately in certain environments. I had to dust Alex off and wear her around until she felt comfortable again.

I even found it helpful to imagine Rachel's demise. An accident wouldn't do, and neither would murder, because then the blame would fall upon someone else. It had to be suicide. Imagining it for me was pretty final. I actually mourned her. And there were others who did too. But like anyone you knew who influenced you in any way, she still peeks from under the lid of her coffin and whispers in my ears.


  1. is she back from the dead? (nice pic)

  2. Her influence lingers, but I refuse to bring her back.


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