Thursday, August 28, 2008

the process

I wonder why you pick the ones that will end up moving on. Is it your fear that the relationship evolution will bring Rachel to the surface? You are always in "safe" mode when you know they will end up dating and ultimately marrying.

This is an interesting question. You may have asked this before, Heidi—I don’t remember. However, I do know the answer.

1. These are the girls with whom I associate: LDS girls who are either already married or have that as their goal, because that is the culture. They are active members of the church because that is what they want.

2. Of course I play it safe because the LDS thing is also what I want. When I have ventured out into the danger zone, just to see, it was brilliant because it taught me that Rachel is not who I want to be 100% of the time. Fortunately I never left the nest for very long, so it wasn’t hard to return.

3. I am “attracted” to goodness. Or maybe Alex is attracted to goodness and Rachel twists it around to make it less than good. Any relationship that I truly invest in with best friend cannot go the Rachel route. It would sour. It wouldn’t be what I ever meant it to be. And so it wouldn’t last. And if it didn’t last, it wouldn’t be friendship. It would be a fling. That’s how Rachel operates, not Alex.

So it’s all part of the process. I get to have them to myself for a while, and then I watch them move on and share themselves with others, get married, have children, whatever else. I had my time, and I get to keep it. Someday I’ll have someone of my own. And hopefully it will be a boy. Like Jason. :)

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