the dilemma

So here is the quandary: let's call the two sides Alex (BTW, not my real name) and Rachel.

We're both fond of Alanis Morissette, romantic poetry, Jane Austen, superheroes and a tight hug. We like shopping online, buying Ben & Jerry's, shoveling snow and watching independent films.

Alex is a card-carrying Mormon. Yes, you read that right. In other words, a member of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints with a temple recommend. She goes to church every week, teaches primary, does her visiting teaching, and not only attends the temple regularly but actually has worked at the temple every Saturday for four years now. She lives in Utah. She works 40 hours a week and faithfully pays her tithing. She works on genealogy, scrapbooks, adores her nieces and nephews, looks for opportunities to serve her fellowmen, and all of the other cheesy stuff you'd expect from a good latter-day saint young woman. She even graduated from BYU and went on a mission. She's a nice person that deals with depression and PMS once a month just like everybody else.

Rachel does not fit in small-town Utah. She lives in New York, writes for a magazine, rents a penthouse on the 14th floor, and drinks lattes for breakfast (not necessarily because she likes them, but because the owner of the shop is a friend). She is talented and beautiful and worshipped by many. She loves the world's admiration and drinks in the flavors of her culture. And she is attracted to girls. Guys too, but mostly girls. She doesn't flaunt it, but her readers and the press and her friends and family are all aware of it. And because she stopped going to church and doesn't live the way she was raised, nobody bothers her about it, and she doesn't feel guilty (so she says).

Alex and Rachel are both content in their respective worlds, but what may not be readily apparent to the non-religious is that these two worlds do not comfortably merge, and in fact, cannot coexist. Most days I am perfectly satisfied and even happy to be Alex. But lately I have felt like Rachel.