duality

I am two people. I don't think that I am alone in this realization; perhaps many of us sense, as Robert Louis Stevenson fictionalized, that each of us has Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde dimensions to us, that we are not simple beings, but that we struggle to tame the demon within, in an attempt to merge the two and claim a solid, impeachable identity - a face that we can show to people. Not one that changes erratically, but one that is consistent and true. Integrity is probably what I'm trying to describe.

A few years ago I was having dinner in a restaurant with a couple of friends. I confided in them the struggle I was having, between being who I wanted to be, and wanting something else entirely. Essentially I am the good girl with a secret desire to be bad. I want to rebel without tarnishing my reputation. My friends nodded and laughed and looked at me strangely, and then one of them said, "Alex, you are a quandary." I like big words but I admit I had to look that one up. Though I had a vague idea what it meant, I needed a better grasp on what she was implying. And I guess now I know. I have been in a delirious and sometimes frustrating state of perplexity for the majority of my life.

I therefore hereby welcome myself to blogdom.