rediscovery

Becoming friends with MJ wasn’t wrong. I think both of us have determined that her joining my family for a while was what she needed. And apparently it is now no longer what she needs. I guess the reason this has been so hard for me is that to some degree, I let our friendship become the axis of my existence. I let my identity be defined by “us,” instead of me. This wasn’t visible to the masses, is what I am learning now. Most people who know us think it’s cool and unusual that we are such good friends. But I’m seeing it in hindsight. Instead of doing my own thing, I tried to find things that we could do together. Both of us suffered from low self-acceptance and self-worth. Both of us are struggling with that now. It’s evident by the fact that we bonded so securely and with such strength. And now that she has made the effort to break free, I am feeling the void. It’s like I put a lot of myself on hold, in the background, and let her come to center stage, and now that she’s left I have to invite the rest of me back, only it’s dormant. It needs to be reawakened. I’m having trouble finding it. I’m having trouble keeping myself occupied by anything as interesting as obsessing about MJ.

I suppose the key is just to keep trying, and I will find myself again. Maybe I will find aspects of me that I never knew.