Thursday, December 04, 2008


She sent the following text about 10:00 AM:

“I know I’m being a snot job, and the weird thing is, I’m only being that way towards you. (That makes you feel better, doesn’t it?) Why? I’m not sure. It may be that it’s how I detach. It makes it easier for me, that’s for sure, but I don’t want to be mean to you because that’s just not how I think I should treat my friends, especially close friends. I just don’t know how else to do it. So I apologize to you. And the next time I become a poop towards you, kick me out! You don’t deserve what I’m throwing at you, so it’s up to me to find a new way to deal. Again, I apologize.”

I guess that makes me feel a little better. At least she’s trying to communicate about why she’s acting like that. I know I shouldn’t analyze, but I have never been referred to, by her, as a “close friend.” I was always “best friend.” Is that trivial? She is trying to detach. I guess I can’t continue to be her best friend forever. But the title sure made me feel important.

An ensuing text exchange:

me: Did you read my email? [It said: What happened last night? What's bugging you? Is it just the situation? Don't know how to fix it? You're not communicating with me. Except in the sense that you're saying negative things, which indicates you're unhappy or frustrated. My friend, I love you even though you're being a jerk. I excuse it only because I know you're dealing with inner turmoil. But I wish that you would talk to me. It's more effective.”]
MJ: I don’t know how to communicate what’s going on in my head, nor do I think I should. I’ve found [that] sharing my deepest thoughts with you reverses what I’m trying to accomplish and makes me feel more codependent.
me: Understandable. If you’re feeling mean, just stay away.
MJ: But I don’t feel mean until I see you.
me: Because you’re fighting the opposite feeling? Because that’s what I’m struggling with. I want my MJ back and it’s a hard thing to accept that I’m not going to get what I want.
MJ: I don’t get the same feelings when I see you, and I think that’s what pisses me off.
me: How did you do that? That’s what I need to do.
MJ: That’s a bit hazy. I don’t really know. And I’m struggling with dealing with it.

This is my worst nightmare and my greatest fear. That someone I love will suddenly and without warning change how they feel about me. Am I catastrophizing? Is this what happens to codependent relationships? They start with such intensity and then fizzle out when one or the other loses interest? Maybe it’s a good time to move to Australia.


  1. It's ALWAYS a good time to move to Australia- yee-haw!! :)

  2. To what part of Australia are you moving? Melbourne? Brisbane? May I come visit? I have always wanted to see Australia- my older brother served his mission there.

    (And, you do know why it is dangerous to play chess in Australia? Because they are always saying, "Check- mate". )



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