Tuesday, June 07, 2011


The other evening, I drove up to a wedding reception with one of my temple-worker friends. It was a somewhat lengthy drive, and we had time to talk, which was nice. On the way home, she suddenly asked me this random question: “Have you ever been in love?”

I hesitated, thinking of MJ and other females I had believed I was “in love” with. I answered, “I think so.” It seemed like a safe answer. But she wasn’t finished asking questions. She probably thought I was being coy, but I was truly debating with myself about how to answer. Do I describe my girlfriends as if they were boyfriends, or do I just claim not to have had any? I have done that in other similar circumstances—told my stories and just changed the gender of the characters. But for some reason, I couldn’t fabricate this time. In the end, I dithered around her questions so much that she finally concluded I didn’t want to talk about it. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her the truth; that the majority of my love interests have been girls. Not because I was afraid of her judgment, now that I think about it, but because I wasn’t ready to fall in her estimation. To my temple-worker friends especially, I want to be who they believe I am. Not that I appear flawless to these people, but I set a certain standard for myself, and that’s how I want to appear to others. Perhaps if I knew this girl much, much better, I wouldn’t mind telling her the truth, because really I am not afraid of losing a friend over such a declaration. But I don’t see any reason to throw such information out for the masses to chew on. Seems pointless.

So the question remains: have I been in love, really? I have been twitter-pated, enamored, fascinated, captivated, infatuated, attracted… but are all these really the same thing? Maybe so.

Certainly I have loved. I have wanted the best for someone, in an unselfish way. I have had the desire to put someone else’s wants before my own. I have been willing to sacrifice and compromise for someone else’s benefit. I have felt great pain at the loss of someone from my life. That’s the great thing about us codependents; we love with great intensity. I have to agree with Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;
I feel it, when I sorrow most;
'Tis better to have loved and lost
Than never to have loved at all.


  1. WELL That sounds like a yes. ;)

    That's interesting that you didn't tell her.

  2. I have had that same conversation with co-workers before... One where I would not lie I just tried to have a conversation without using any pronouns at all... That was difficult and I sounded pretty stupid by the end of it. I have felt much the way that you have though - that if there is no reason to put it out there why do it? But I have often felt bad after such conversations because I do feel like I misrepresented myself or basically lied...

    I think I get crushes fairly easily, fall into "like" once in awhile, but I have only been in love once. I think that experience is why I have put off dating for so long... Love is a big deal. I ought to blog about that at some point. I would have married that girl...

    Anyway... I've rambled a bit. Thanks for this post. (BTW - This is Kiley but blogger won't let me log into my other profile for some reason...)

  3. Love is grand. Even when it ends up hurting like ... the dickens.

  4. I don't think it's real love until it's more than fantasy. That involves gett'n down and dirty with the person- dealing with tough stuff, successfully navigating challenging disagreements, forgiveness, withstanding the test of time etc...
    We've ALL had a fantasy relationship and those are amazingly wonderful. But as so much of it is what we think the person is rather than what they really are, it can't be considered true love.

  5. Don't you think it's possible she asked you that question because she was wondering if you're gay?


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