Father's Day

I'm usually not too into celebrating father's day. But on Sunday I did send my dad an email wishing him a happy one. That's more than I've ever done in the past. I found the following in some exercises a counselor once had me do. I don't know how helpful it was, other than to get all of those feelings out in the open.

To my father: How I wish things could have been different for me as a child.

• I wish I could have been born to two parents who loved the Lord and were devoted to His church and to each other.  I would have liked to have a dad who was supportive of my beliefs, who could steer and strengthen my testimony through his faith.  I needed someone to encourage me to make right decisions, to be a valiant young woman, to choose good friends and good situations.  I needed someone who was honest and clean and worthy of the priesthood.  I needed a good example.
• I wish I would have had no reason to be mistrustful of men. I watch my nieces with their father and I think I would have liked someone to run to when he came home from work, someone whose lap and embrace I could turn to, someone I could confide in. It would have been nice to kiss a father’s cheek without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I wish I could have said the words “I love you, dad.” I felt the void.
• I missed having a guy in the house, whose presence I knew wasn’t temporary, who told stupid jokes and laughed and tickled me and scolded me when I was wrong.
• My family needed financial security. So many times we wondered if we were going to be able to go to the grocery store that week. So many times we could only have one helping of food and one glass of milk at dinner. We needed a dad who brought home a consistent paycheck, and one sufficient enough so that my mom didn’t have to work.
• I would have liked full-blooded brothers, who treated me like a sister, not an icon. I wish they could have served missions, because they were taught and encouraged and because their father set an example for them. I wish I would have not been embarrassed by my family, but proud to be related to them.
• I wish I had a dad to teach me to dance, and play sports, and fix things, someone to encourage me to develop my talents and feel confident in myself. I needed someone to be proud of who I was, someone who was my friend.
• And now, now I wish I had someone to go to when I needed advice or a small loan, someone to show me how to buy a car or a house and teach me how to be an adult.