journey

Lately I feel like I’m walking through a snowstorm. (Forgive the winter analogy, but I’m cold a lot of the time.) The snow keeps falling and the sun is hidden, and the snow is deep and progress is slow. I keep plodding even though it takes forever, because if I stop I’ll freeze to death, but I don’t have the energy to run. Sometimes I do—I get a burst of it and I take off, hoping to find sunlight, but then I get tired and I slow down again. But it’s not walking, really, it’s more like wading. It’s hard work. But the key is to keep going, because I believe in the sunlight. I won’t feel it on my face if I stop, and I want desperately to feel it.

I have been wanting for a few days to talk to MJ. She appeared online this morning when I logged into my instant messenger at work. I considered leaving her alone, knowing she would probably not talk to me. But I couldn’t stand it. Following is the bulk of the conversation that ensued:

me: hi
MJ: hello
me: you're not usually online at this hour. did you forget to make yourself appear offline? :)
MJ: actually yes [I knew I wasn’t the only one who did that.]
MJ: my stomach didnt want to sleep anymore
me: how's school? keeping busy?
MJ: trying to. there isnt enough homework
me: oh, that's unfortunate. especially for you
MJ: i dont know what to do with myself
me: is that why you're melancholy? because you have too much time?
MJ: could be the cause. i'm more depressed than melancholy
me: same thing, to me. just a nicer word
MJ: i'm moving out in april
me: where are you moving?
MJ: carriage cove
me: with?
MJ: AK
[At this point we talked about AK briefly.]
me: are you ready?
MJ: i moved up the date
me: so yes
MJ: so yes [We typed this at the same time.]
MJ: i cant be here anymore. theres no reason anymore
me: what do you mean?
[long pause]
me: no reason to stay in town?
MJ: besides work
me: I have no hold on you anymore? [tongue-in-cheek]
[another pause]
me: you can say it. if it's true. if it isn't, you can say it until it's true
MJ: why did you ask?
me: because I want to know where you are
MJ: no you dont
me: why not?
MJ: what are you doing?
me: I can't stand it, not knowing what's going on. it's driving me insane. I think about it all the time
MJ: isnt that what your medication is for? [What the crap is that supposed to mean?]
me: I can't seem to let it go
MJ: i dont know why you dont have a hold on me anymore, i guess i've just moved on
me: ok, that's what I wanted to know [At this point I found myself crying. Again.]
MJ: i'm sorry
me: no, it helps
MJ: really? cuz i would be freaking if i was in your place
me: [Oh, I am.] it helps to know where you are, instead of just imagining. that gets me in trouble. I need the truth
MJ: i guess my mom was right
me: about what
MJ: i need to have a "college experience"
me: oh yes, I agree. you know I loved mine. it was so hard and so much fun
MJ: yes but you got into trouble
me: during college?
MJ: with roommates
me: oh. well, that's me. not you
MJ: hope so
me: I don't consider that "trouble"
MJ: i do
me: I consider that part of my growing experience. part of my maturing
MJ: are you mature yet? ;)
me: :) more than I was then. you're stronger than I was. you have a handle on what's going on with you. I had no clue. I was just grasping for anyone who would love me back
MJ: thats because you really didnt have anyone
me: exactly. it's different for you. you have a choice
MJ: i wouldnt call that stronger. a choice?
me: ok, you're in a better position. knowing what's going on gives you the opportunity to choose. I was reacting out of instinct a lot of the time
MJ: doesnt make it any easier
me: no, I guess it's not easier, but having the choice gives you power
MJ: i think its harder in a way because you know when you didnt choose the right
me: but then you can fix it. I kept repeating my mistakes because I didn't understand what I was doing
MJ: sometimes i still dont know. but i know enough
me: you do. and you'll keep learning. don't get so down on yourself when you fall. that's what teaches you
MJ: i think theres a lot more than just that going on
me: than just what? connecting with older girls?
MJ: yes
me: is that what you were talking about when you said you had other stuff going on that you couldn't talk to me about yet?
MJ: yes
me: is there still a "yet" or am I pretty much out of the picture?
MJ: you'll never be out of the picture
MJ: but right now i am only willing to talk to professionals
me: do you have one?
MJ: i have to call one soon, just need gonads first. but i am getting help already [I have to assume she means the bishop…who else? Unless she’s just talking about prayer. She doesn’t talk to her parents about problems. When I suggest it she always scoffs at me.]
me: good
MJ: have to go to work now
me: ok

That was it. No goodbye, see you later, have a nice day, thanks for the chat. She just went offline. I must say it left me disheartened. This relationship is a true test of my ability to have charity for another person—to continue to love and care for someone even when I can’t have what I want.

The most frustrating thing at this point is that I don’t know where I fit in her life. Sure, I’m a friend, but friends talk to each other, and she has shut the door on me. At least that’s the way it feels. I understand why, I just don’t know how to act, how to be, what to say. All I can do is keep trudging through the snow.

And now she plans to move away, which is good. Don’t misunderstand; I want her to have the “college experience” despite her fears. Her fears are legitimate, but I believe in trial and error. How else do we learn? But again, where do I fit once she’s gone? Does she just go the way of all of my other friends, and turn into someone I talk to once in a while?

Why is the soundtrack of my life based on the status of my relationships? When I am struggling with someone my general mood is labored. When I am happy with someone, all is well with the world. Despite whatever else is going on in my life. Why can’t that relationship portion be smaller than it is? Instead it’s 75% of my thoughts, behavior and state of mind. I wish it could be like 25%, and let other things have a turn to preoccupy me.