poem 2, Isabel

Far from peace,

I stand

with demons shrieking in my ears.

I wait

for the sound of her footsteps on the pavement.

I look

for reassurance in her cool, languid gaze.

I turn

as she passes and follow with my eyes.

I hesitate,

suspended in the wake of her determined step, her scent drifting from me, and

I breathe,

as if that alone will be enough. Then

I walk,

retracing her footsteps, keeping my distance, and

I hold

my breath as she turns to look across the street.

I slow

as she pauses, waiting to cross, and as the light turns

I lose

her in a sea of pedestrians.

I join

the throng and find her again on the other side.

I see

the outline of her figure as she leans waiting for the train.

I pause

watching her expression for recognition,

then I pass,

in the guise of the uninterested, inconspicuous, invisible.

I am not a stalker.

I am a spy.

Ellen dream

Early this morning I dreamed that Ellen Degeneres came to town, and she came to me to find out what there was to do and see here where I live. Essentially, she wanted me to show her a good time. I declined the invitation, however. Instead, I told her I knew of someone that could take her somewhere fun, and I called my friend Heidi, and she and her girlfriend came to pick up Ellen for the evening. Only I hadn't told them it was Ellen; I just told them I had a friend visiting. So they were pretty excited to discover it was Ellen. She called me a few hours later to tell me what a good time she was having. I won't tell you what they were doing. I just thought it was funny that I was her buddy.

poem, Isabel

Waiting on a downtown sidewalk
At a bus stop at the end of the day
And watching the passersby,
I noticed this girl.
She walked by about 5:02.
Heading home, maybe?
I didn't know.
She just looked to me
Like someone fictional made real
And I decided to reverse the process.

She was pretty, slight of stature,
Always wore her hair tied back
And walked a certain way,
With confidence, purpose and a sense
Of detachment.
I gave her a name, a job,
A destination.
I created friends, parents, family,
And a lonely admirer at the bus stop.

This admirer, he imagined
Ways to attract her attention.
He wished he could talk to her
And walk her home.
It took another setting, though,
For her to notice.
She recognized him from
The bus stop she passed every day.

Now they're busy discovering each other
And they blame it all on that downtown sidewalk
Where I still stand at the end of the day
Waiting for the bus, and
Watching my inspiration walk by about 5:02.
What would she say if she knew
Who I had made her?

need

Okay, here's a question for you. I think most people would agree that women (females) need other women in their lives. But do men need other men? Do men get emotionally attached to other men? Gay or straight, I'm interested.

this week's GLEE

Can I just express how glad I am that Emma is not marrying Ken, but I don't know how I feel about her being with Will. Just seems wrong right now.

GO Figgins for kicking Sue out on her arse.

Favorite Sue line: "You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: HORROR!"

The Glee cast has also given us a special treat for Christmas:

Available on iTunes! Yippee!

symptoms of codependency

I was reading back in my journal and found this list I made three years ago. Of course, none of these currently apply to me now, since I'm not enamored by anyone. ;) But it is somewhat sobering to read through such a list and look at the person you once were.

My symptoms of codependency (taken from Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More):

• I allow myself to be manipulated by other people’s emotions.


• I am often hostile toward my mother, and toward others who I feel are trying to control me.


• I feel responsible for people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, etc.


• I feel anxiety, pity and guilt when others have a problem, and I feel compelled to help people solve their problems.


• I anticipate others’ needs, and I wonder why others don’t do the same for me.


• I do things for others that I don’t really want to do.


• I try to please others instead of myself.


• I feel different from everyone else.


• I fear rejection, or that people will leave me.


• I am afraid of making mistakes/I expect myself to do things perfectly/I am rarely satisfied with what I accomplish.


• I have difficulty making decisions.


• I have a lot of “shoulds.”


• I believe that some people (men) couldn’t possibly love me.


• I settle for being needed.


• I tell myself that circumstances are not as bad as they are.


• I tend to get compulsive about spending.


• I tend to rearrange my schedule around the person I am interested in.


• I lose interest in the things I like to do.


• I wonder if I will ever find true love.


• I ask for what I want and need without just saying it.


• I tend to say things either to please or to provoke.


• I say I won’t tolerate things from people, but then my tolerance level gradually increases until I allow things I said I wouldn’t.


• I lack trust in myself and in others.


• I’m extremely responsible.


• Sometimes I find it difficult to feel close to people.


• Sometimes I find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.


• I tend to stay loyal to my companions even when they continue to hurt me.


• I’m often confused about the nature of the problem.


• I’ve gone through periods of feeling lethargic, depressed, withdrawn and isolated.


• When I am involved with someone, I tend to neglect my other friends and responsibilities.
  

why I love Jane Lynch

Does anybody else think this is as funny as I do?

(link)

Let me explain. In case you haven't heard, Jane is Xbox's new celebrity spokesperson. I have watched ALL of these videos.

Jane Juice sounds excellent!

update

Received this in a thank you card in the mail today. Could I be any more pleased?

Makes me wonder if there's some aniversary she's remembering that I'm not. :)

new moon

The thing I enjoyed most about New Moon was watching Kristen Stewart. Yes, I know she's only 19.

happy things I remember from childhood

I find people fascinating. Sometimes I like to go back in time on particular blogs, just see what kinds of things they wrote about. Often I find fun things that inspire me to create a similar post, like this one.

I hereby give you some happy things I remember from my childhood.

This was the first bike I bought myself, with earned and gifted money that I diligently saved. She was a 10-speed, royal blue.

I kept her clean and greased her chain religiously. But I don't remember giving her a name...

Using the various bikes that I owned (or borrowed), I would often take my spare change and ride to the nearby 7-11...

...where, among other sweet treasures, I would purchase the forbidden candy cigarettes.

When it was cold enough outside that we could see our breath, we'd pretend we were smoking. We thought that was pretty cool.

Favorite toys:

Zippy, from very early. He pretty much fell apart from my constant care and attention. Then there were Hot Wheels...

...for which I also saved my money. I only bought the coolest ones. Coolest = most expensive in real life, like Porsches and Mercedes Benz and Jaguars and Corvettes. In the summer, we would create roads and towns for these tiny drivers in the flower beds of our front yard. Is it any wonder I still like to drive?

And then there was the old standby, Barbie, with her true love, Ken, and her niece, Skipper.

I called them Jen and Jon. I don't remember what my Skipper's name was. They had a three-story house (garage sale bought, I'm sure), and a pink Corvette, and as many clothes as I could afford. I still have my dolls. They're laid to rest in a shoebox in my closet, dressed in their wedding clothes.

I clearly remember sleeping outside on our trampoline during the summer...

...with all of my siblings, and how in the morning (or in the middle of the night, if the sprinklers came on), we would all find ourselves in a heap in the middle. Why was that fun?

In junior high, Levi's Shrink-to-fit jeans were the newest and hippest (and stupidest) idea ever.

And I also wanted Levi's tee shirts in every color.

I only ended up with two or three. I was too busy buying Barbie clothes and Hot Wheels.

Favorite TV shows:

The Muppet Show, which made me laugh, and whose guest stars I looked forward to seeing every week. Kermit was my hero. I think I related to him the most. He just wanted everything to run smoothly, and it never did, but it always turned out okay.

The Twilight Zone, which totally freaked me out and lit my imagination on fire.

And The Brady Bunch. Our family was much like theirs, except that my mother had only two girls when she married my step-father and his three boys. I often wished we could have been as happy as they were.

And, when I wasn't watching television or playing with my toys, I was reading. I loved the Choose Your Own Adventure series, among others.

I think I read every single one of those.

I could go on, but that's enough for now. I hope you enjoyed this walk down the avenue of time as much as I did.

pet peeve #4

Overused phrases, such as "lovely and talented."

Really, there are so many words in various languages to choose from. Be imaginative.

Glee, episode 1.09

This episode gets two thumbs-up from me. Did anyone else think the cheerleader tryouts were a little reminiscent of American Idol tryouts, and way too brief?

Favorite Sue lines:

I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.

You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That's hard!

You are a terrible spy. You might try breathing through your nose sometime.

The "diva-off:" Who was your choice? Rachel or Kurt? Should they change the key of the song and give Kurt a chance?

And finally, the question that has plagued me for episodes: What is a Lima loser?

suggestion box

What should I blog about? Any suggestions?

why I love gmail

I switched from Hotmail a while ago - maybe as much as a year ago - I don't remember. Gmail is much more efficient with the spam. But I kind of miss poking fun at these non-English-speaking email marketers, who come up with the greatest phrases to try and get me to buy sexually enhancing prescription drugs from them:

subject: You acted insane, agree?

We are the only store wich gives this great deal!

When you have problems with your male function, nothing can hold your self-respect at the level above zero.

Stop the nightmare! Resolve this problem in Minutes! Your robustness in bed will amaze her after The First pilule you've popped.

Hurry to try, while on discounts!

I have to admit, the subject line got my attention. But that last line is my favorite.

this calls for a sacrifice

I'm not big into television anymore. I used to be, in high school, but it's been a long time since I scheduled my evenings around what was on TV. Since fall began, I've enjoyed watching this show called FlashForward. It’s been interesting, and captivating enough to rival my old favorite, Alias. Last week’s episode revealed that one of the main characters, a female FBI agent, is a lesbian. I had wondered about her. They had thrown out enough hints to make one wonder, but I wasn’t sure how much attention they were going to give this particular storyline. Turns out, they’re giving it plenty. Way too much for prime time TV, in my opinion. It was more than my sister wanted to see, and way more than she would have liked her children to see. One of them happened to come into the room when the first girl/girl kiss happened.

And I.can’t.seem.to.stop.thinking.about.it.

I know why. Because now I have a decision to make. My sister has already announced that she regretfully won’t be watching the show anymore. And I know I shouldn’t watch any more of it either. But the pull is so strong…

things people ask me

Do you date?

I do. I go out with guys on occasion. The last occasion was this one. I go out with girlfriends (friends who are girls) more often. I went out, on a date, with a girl once. That was a mistake. The last few times I have gone out with guys was when a friend set me up, which is fine. I don’t mind it. But for me, dating is awkward. It’s hard for me to relax and have fun, but I do try. And I haven’t given up completely. I sort of feel the same way Amy does about it.

Do you want to get married?

Because I have faith in God, I know that he has a plan for me. I know he has blessings waiting for me that he will grant in his own time. I’m pretty sure that one of these blessings is a happy and fulfilling companionship with a man. I hope to be able to be in the right place at the right time so that he can grant it. So sure, if my Father in heaven knows that I can be happy with a husband, and he wants to place me in the way of finding one, I’m willing. I’ll trust Him. I realize it won’t be easy to accept or to commit to, but I will try. With His help, I will succeed.

Do you see yourself married someday?

Yes, I actually can see that. I’ve pictured it, and it seems nice.

Do you make yourself available?

That’s an interesting question, because it depends on what the inquirer means by making myself available. When I was in my teens and twenties—even 30s—I did all of the things one is “supposed” to do if she wants to find a husband. I went out with groups of friends of mixed gender, I attended social things, like church and school and parties. I tried dances, formal events like Homecoming, taking the reins and asking the guys out myself, LDS singles wards, singles conferences, singles web sites, flirting, accepting blind dates...you name it, I might have tried it (as long as it stayed within the boundaries of my morals). I didn’t stick my head in the sand or wait for Prince Charming to ride up on his white stallion. I didn’t lock myself in my room. I was quite social. I’m not so much anymore. I suppose all that activity gets old after a while. At least it did for me. I still do things with friends, and I talk to people in the grocery store, and I work side by side with the men in the temple every week, and go to church on Sundays, and to church activities. So I think I’ve made myself available, but I have never worn a T-shirt that reads “I need a husband.” Maybe I need to get one.

Have you ever passed up an opportunity to be married?

No. I could have secured myself a boyfriend by pretending I could feel what I really didn’t feel and by losing a good friend who had a mad crush on him, but I didn’t do it. No one has ever been close enough to me to propose and be serious about it.

Are you happy?

Depends on the day, but yes, for the most part. I love my family and I’m glad I have them. I love my medication. I love the gospel. All three contribute to my happiness. I’m not the kind of single LDS girl that sits and wallows in the misery of not being married while belonging to a church that’s all about marriage and family. I have a family, and I have lots of children. I don’t have everything I want, but who does?

5 people Rachel wouldn't mind...blah, blah, blah

I want to play too, naturally (see previous post). I can think of lots of people I'd like to get stuck with, but I'll stay with the five. It'll save me a lot of time.

This may surprise you:

Tiburon

She's hilarious, she's sexay, and I never get to hang out with her. I think we'd have a blast.

Arianne

It'd be an afternoon she would never forget. ;)

Alanis Morissette, musician

She's luscious, brilliant, crazy and entertaining. We could talk for days. And I'd kiss her if she was okay with it.

Mia Kirshner, actress

I admit, there wouldn't be a lot of talking with this one. I don't know if I'd be interested in anything she'd have to say. But I know what we'd do instead.

Ellen Degeneres, comedian

Because she's an idiot and she makes me laugh.

5 people I wouldn't mind being trapped in an elevator with

With this post I accept being tagged. I say I wouldn't mind, because just the thought of being in an enclosed space like an elevator would require a special individual to keep my mind off of it. And as stated in Tiburon's post, I would prefer being with these people one at a time, not all at once in the elevator together. So here they are, in no particular order.

Jason Bateman, actor

I think he would make me laugh, and be charming, and I would so enjoy looking at him. And I wouldn't mind if he held my hand when I pretended to be afraid.

Sheri Dew
businesswoman, author and spiritual giant

I would so enjoy talking to her. I wouldn't care how long we had to stay in that elevator.

Jane Austen, authoress

I would pick her brain. About writing, about life in the time when she lived, about a lot of things. Nevermind that merely being in an elevator would probably kill her. Again.

Chaim Potok, writer

The man was brilliant. I would ask him questions and listen to him talk.

Shawn Colvin, musician

She and her guitar could entertain me all day long.

random thoughts

In one of my dreams last night, I was a guy—like a college guy, hanging out with a group of friends. Among these friends were two girls, and each wanted to be my choice. I found it very flattering, but stressful, because I had to choose one. And I did. And the one I didn’t choose sort of faded away. I began to do everything with the one I chose. We became exclusive, and all of the friends accepted it. I don’t know what it means, but I enjoyed it. A lot. I don’t really want to be a guy though. I used to, when I had step brothers, and I wanted to fit in. But I don’t anymore. I can accept my gender now.

MJ was at church yesterday. I never know when she’s going to appear, and I think she likes that. She mingled with people, but she ignored me. I watched her, tried to get her to look at me, but she wouldn’t. I think that sucks rocks. Is it so hard to wave, to smile? I don’t require much these days—just acknowledgement. I hate to be ignored.

Thanks to the rest of you, for not ignoring me.

pet peeve #3

Shallow pockets.

Every new pair of jeans you buy has a flaw, I guess. And you learn to live with it. But until you're accustomed to the flaw, it's just something you must endure.

I like to put my hands in the front pockets of my pants. I keep my keys in there, on the right side. I hardly ever use the back pockets, but the front ones are handy for many things. They're a good place to tuck my hands when I don't know what else to do with them. So you can imagine my frustration when I buy a good pair of pants that fit and flatter, only to find that the pockets are shallow. A front pocket should be deep enough to hold the keys without them falling out, and enough to cover the whole hand, up to the wrist. (I don't like the thumb sticking out, but that's just me.) The pockets on these jeans cover my fingers, up to the knuckles of my hands. And I have small hands. So now I have a pair of jeans with useless pockets. But they look good. Maybe I could wear a fanny pack. ;)

M*A*S*H

Remember this game? With that little folded paper and all the choices inside? I truly didn't know it had a name, but apparently it does. I couldn't resist. I even put duds in my choices, and still got some good stuff.

At this point you'll have to scroll...this embedded code has a bunch of ambiguous space...)

		I will marry Jude Law.
		After a wild honeymoon, We will settle down in Hawaii in our fabulous Shack.
		We will have 6 kid(s) together.
		Our family will zoom around in a blue Jaguar.
		I will spend my days as a secretary, and live happily ever after.

reunion

I got together with some of my college roommates for lunch this weekend. There was the “what are you doing now?” talk, and “what has happened in your life that you never expected?” and inquiries about husbands and children and jobs. But to me, the most interesting topic was “What are they doing now?” We talked about other roommates, former boyfriends, crushes, and others who lived in our apartment complex. There was this certain apartment of boys who became good friends, and four of the six ended up choosing an alternate lifestyle. There was much discussion about this phenomenon—how we never would have suspected it back then, how homosexuality wasn’t talked about. But I suspected. I was not surprised by the news when I found some of these boys on Facebook.

I wondered, as we talked about them, what some people might have suspected about me. It was entertaining to be part of this conversation and imagine them talking about me in a similar way. I don’t consider myself a homosexual (which is the word one of them kept using). (I guess, technically, if I had to categorize myself, I’d be bisexual, because I am attracted to both genders, although I’m more comfortable with women.) But I imagined what that conversation might have been like if I had chosen a different path somewhere along the way. I also imagined what the conversation might be like ten years from now, depending what I choose to pursue in that time.

I can imagine a lot of things, but I really cannot imagine myself leaving the church. I think I would be so unhappy. Even if I found someone to love, and the life I chose to live with her was in opposition to the teachings of the gospel of Jesus Christ, I don’t think that would make me happy. In my mind, I don’t sacrifice what I truly want to stay in the church. If I left the church, I would be sacrificing what I love and what sustains me to satisfy a temporary appetite. That’s the way I really see it.

I have great respect for those who struggle and are tempted to stray but continue to be true to what they believe. I especially admire those who choose to be obedient even though they would really like to follow the desires of their heart, and what they want is contrary to their testimonies. In other words, I admire those who would normally choose a partner of the same gender, and yet they choose one of the opposite gender, not because they’re expected to, but because they have faith. And I’m sure they are richly blessed for that choice, even though it may not seem like it.