current celebrity crush

Stana Katic. If you're not watching Castle, you should be. I can't even tell you how magnificent it is to watch this face in high definition on a 60" screen (thanks for the setup, BIL).

Father's Day

I'm usually not too into celebrating father's day. But on Sunday I did send my dad an email wishing him a happy one. That's more than I've ever done in the past. I found the following in some exercises a counselor once had me do. I don't know how helpful it was, other than to get all of those feelings out in the open.

To my father: How I wish things could have been different for me as a child.

• I wish I could have been born to two parents who loved the Lord and were devoted to His church and to each other.  I would have liked to have a dad who was supportive of my beliefs, who could steer and strengthen my testimony through his faith.  I needed someone to encourage me to make right decisions, to be a valiant young woman, to choose good friends and good situations.  I needed someone who was honest and clean and worthy of the priesthood.  I needed a good example.
• I wish I would have had no reason to be mistrustful of men. I watch my nieces with their father and I think I would have liked someone to run to when he came home from work, someone whose lap and embrace I could turn to, someone I could confide in. It would have been nice to kiss a father’s cheek without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I wish I could have said the words “I love you, dad.” I felt the void.
• I missed having a guy in the house, whose presence I knew wasn’t temporary, who told stupid jokes and laughed and tickled me and scolded me when I was wrong.
• My family needed financial security. So many times we wondered if we were going to be able to go to the grocery store that week. So many times we could only have one helping of food and one glass of milk at dinner. We needed a dad who brought home a consistent paycheck, and one sufficient enough so that my mom didn’t have to work.
• I would have liked full-blooded brothers, who treated me like a sister, not an icon. I wish they could have served missions, because they were taught and encouraged and because their father set an example for them. I wish I would have not been embarrassed by my family, but proud to be related to them.
• I wish I had a dad to teach me to dance, and play sports, and fix things, someone to encourage me to develop my talents and feel confident in myself. I needed someone to be proud of who I was, someone who was my friend.
• And now, now I wish I had someone to go to when I needed advice or a small loan, someone to show me how to buy a car or a house and teach me how to be an adult.

regarding my latest crush

Let's call her Nina. Following is part of an email message I recently received from her after mentioning I had driven south for the weekend:

“I'm so jealous! I would have loved to get away for the weekend! Do you have any fun plans for the summer?”

This is not how I answered, but how Rachel wishes she could answer for me:

“Nina, there’s no need to be jealous. I’ll take you away for the weekend anytime. Just tell me when you want to go and we’ll make a plan. Do I have any fun plans for the summer? Girl, I have nothing but fun plans for the summer, and anytime you want to join me would make it even more fun. In fact, I’m looking forward to spending some time with you.”

Ah, wouldn't it be entertaining? And if you were Nina, how might you respond?

love

The other evening, I drove up to a wedding reception with one of my temple-worker friends. It was a somewhat lengthy drive, and we had time to talk, which was nice. On the way home, she suddenly asked me this random question: “Have you ever been in love?”

I hesitated, thinking of MJ and other females I had believed I was “in love” with. I answered, “I think so.” It seemed like a safe answer. But she wasn’t finished asking questions. She probably thought I was being coy, but I was truly debating with myself about how to answer. Do I describe my girlfriends as if they were boyfriends, or do I just claim not to have had any? I have done that in other similar circumstances—told my stories and just changed the gender of the characters. But for some reason, I couldn’t fabricate this time. In the end, I dithered around her questions so much that she finally concluded I didn’t want to talk about it. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her the truth; that the majority of my love interests have been girls. Not because I was afraid of her judgment, now that I think about it, but because I wasn’t ready to fall in her estimation. To my temple-worker friends especially, I want to be who they believe I am. Not that I appear flawless to these people, but I set a certain standard for myself, and that’s how I want to appear to others. Perhaps if I knew this girl much, much better, I wouldn’t mind telling her the truth, because really I am not afraid of losing a friend over such a declaration. But I don’t see any reason to throw such information out for the masses to chew on. Seems pointless.

So the question remains: have I been in love, really? I have been twitter-pated, enamored, fascinated, captivated, infatuated, attracted… but are all these really the same thing? Maybe so.

Certainly I have loved. I have wanted the best for someone, in an unselfish way. I have had the desire to put someone else’s wants before my own. I have been willing to sacrifice and compromise for someone else’s benefit. I have felt great pain at the loss of someone from my life. That’s the great thing about us codependents; we love with great intensity. I have to agree with Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.