current celebrity crush

Lana Parrilla

I'm really enjoying ABC's Once Upon a Time. I really didn't think I would, but I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of the writing. I love when the part of an evil queen is played so well that you really don't like her, but then you learn to appreciate her as time goes on and you learn more about her. Lana Parrilla makes me ache for that awful, evil queen. I find myself on the edge wondering what next week's episode will bring. Please don't kill this show, ABC. Not yet.

crossroads

(C) by http://www.martin-liebermann.de
Sometimes you just feel a special connection to a person. You may not know why at first, but it’s there and it’s undeniable. I think the Lord has His purposes in giving us those feelings, or maybe they come from some other connection formed in the life before this one. I have always been pretty sensitive to such feelings. The Lord knows this about me and so does the adversary. I think what the adversary does is misdirect those feelings and confuse me into believing they are feelings of attraction, because mostly I feel these kinds of connections to women in my life. So, because I feel drawn to a certain individual, instead of trying to see it as the Lord would see it, I think, I’m attracted to her. I need to pursue this friendship and get to know her better - not because of some plan that the Lord has in mind, but because I want a girlfriend. And I doubt that that was what He had in mind at all.

I guess I’m just not in sync with the Lord’s will, and I haven’t had much desire to be. I’ve just wanted to do my own thing, and it’s really not getting me anywhere. So maybe it’s time to do something different.

Let’s take, for example, Dolores, who I met at church on Sunday. I sat behind her and her husband in Sunday school. I noticed her because a) she was pretty, and b) she was unfamiliar - two valid reasons for noticing someone. I kept looking at her. I could see her in profile, mostly, and I liked the way she looked. I wondered who she was - if they were visiting or new to our ward. I wondered, if they had just moved in, would I get a chance to know her? Would I like her? Would she like me? Subconsciously, now that I recall the thoughts, I wanted very much for us to know and like each other. For some reason I really wanted that, even though I’d never met her before.

So then relief society started and she was introduced to the class, and I discovered that she is my neighbor. They just moved into the house behind us, which has been vacant for a while. She’s pregnant and due in the next couple of weeks. I spoke to her after the meeting and introduced myself. I wanted her to know that I was her neighbor, and that I am friendly and helpful and am interested in being her friend. She seemed friendly too.
Now I have to wonder, what is the reason for the special connection I felt? Why did I feel drawn toward her? What kind of interaction does Heavenly Father have planned for us? Did she feel the same thing I felt? What does Heavenly Father want me to do with these feelings?

At this point, my natural tendency is to decide how to channel these feelings. I can either brush them away as coincidental and insignificant, treat her as I would treat any one of my other neighbors, and never think of the draw again. Or I could go to the other extreme and think about her, obsess about her, fantasize and try and be her special and exclusive friend and bond with her emotionally.

Or, for once, I could try being sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit and ask Heavenly Father what He has planned for us. I don’t think those initial feelings are insignificant. I think they mean something. This time, I’d like to find out what they mean. There could be a really meaningful friendship in my future.

current celebrity crush

Did you have a favorite soap opera when you were in high school? One that you watched when your mother wasn't looking and discussed with your friends in excited whispers and hushed tones? Mine was Days of Our Lives. Bo and Hope, Kayla and Steve, Marlena and Roman, Pete and Melissa, Jack and Jennifer. It might have been the foundation of my love for dramatic storylines and the multitudes of characters that distracted me from real life. It seems I still need distractions from real life. I recently discovered a melodramatic and entertaining storyline from All My Children featuring "BAM" (as the internets call them) or Bianca and Maggie. Their chemistry is real, even if the writing and acting of the other characters falls short. Again, thank the internets for YouTube.

My favorite is Elizabeth Hendrickson, who played Maggie.

 

Why, you ask? She's 5'1", a little wisp of a woman, but look at those eyes. And Eden Riegel (Bianca) claims she has very soft lips too, which I do not doubt.

Alex Awards - Girl Guitarists

The time has come to recognize all of the fine-looking lady guitarists out there. And these girls all have stunning talent too.

Dido Armstrong, AKA Dido

Sara Bareilles (more often considered a pianist, but she plays guitar too)

Butterfly Boucher. She plays BASS guitar. How cool is that?

Michelle Branch. The picture on her web site is much better, actually.

Jonatha Brooke

Colbie Caillat. Super hot. And I love that voice.

Susanna Hoffs. Oh yes, I had to include her.

Lisa Loeb. Where did she go? I loved those groovy glasses. Are we surprised that she has her own line of eyewear?

Sarah McLachlan. The woman just looks (and sings) better with a guitar in her hands.

Alanis Morissette. Making an appearance on the blog again. Because she's awesome. Her talent, in my opinion, is not so much in playing the guitar but in songwriting.

Dolores O'Riordan

Suzanne Vega

Can't believe I forgot Shawn Colvin. She's like my favoritest.

 

flat

Last night I had ice cream with Colbie. It was awkward like meeting your favorite missionary companion is after the mission is awkward. During your time together, in the mission or at the temple, you have a purpose in common. You both want to serve in a chosen way, and you have fun together in that service. But when the service is over and you don’t have that in common anymore, something feels like it’s missing and you wonder what else you have in common, and in Colbie’s case, there’s not much.

Conversation between us last night was tentative and halted. I think she came, like I did, with a genuine desire to interact with me again, but after a few minutes, may have wished to be elsewhere. It was a long hour. And she’s not really a hugger either. Her hugs were awkward and stiff. I felt bad for her. I know she’s a genuinely nice person, and she’s more of a pleaser than I am. I don’t think I’ll subject her to that again. If we hang out again it will have to be with other people. I think I’m over my Colbie phase.

questions I wish I could ask

Dear MJ,

Do you ever linger over memories of me? Do you ever consider what it would be like to be close to me again? Do you think it's possible?

When you look back (which I believe you rarely do) did you love me?

No response necessary for now.

Your old pal,
Alex

addendum to Alex's hot list

How could I have forgotten Susanna Hoffs? Then again, maybe I'll just make a separate list of women and their guitars. Because how sexy is a woman playing guitar?



And she has a very sexy guitar.

What the Bangles used to look like:

And what they look like now:

current celebrity crush

Stana Katic. If you're not watching Castle, you should be. I can't even tell you how magnificent it is to watch this face in high definition on a 60" screen (thanks for the setup, BIL).

Father's Day

I'm usually not too into celebrating father's day. But on Sunday I did send my dad an email wishing him a happy one. That's more than I've ever done in the past. I found the following in some exercises a counselor once had me do. I don't know how helpful it was, other than to get all of those feelings out in the open.

To my father: How I wish things could have been different for me as a child.

• I wish I could have been born to two parents who loved the Lord and were devoted to His church and to each other.  I would have liked to have a dad who was supportive of my beliefs, who could steer and strengthen my testimony through his faith.  I needed someone to encourage me to make right decisions, to be a valiant young woman, to choose good friends and good situations.  I needed someone who was honest and clean and worthy of the priesthood.  I needed a good example.
• I wish I would have had no reason to be mistrustful of men. I watch my nieces with their father and I think I would have liked someone to run to when he came home from work, someone whose lap and embrace I could turn to, someone I could confide in. It would have been nice to kiss a father’s cheek without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I wish I could have said the words “I love you, dad.” I felt the void.
• I missed having a guy in the house, whose presence I knew wasn’t temporary, who told stupid jokes and laughed and tickled me and scolded me when I was wrong.
• My family needed financial security. So many times we wondered if we were going to be able to go to the grocery store that week. So many times we could only have one helping of food and one glass of milk at dinner. We needed a dad who brought home a consistent paycheck, and one sufficient enough so that my mom didn’t have to work.
• I would have liked full-blooded brothers, who treated me like a sister, not an icon. I wish they could have served missions, because they were taught and encouraged and because their father set an example for them. I wish I would have not been embarrassed by my family, but proud to be related to them.
• I wish I had a dad to teach me to dance, and play sports, and fix things, someone to encourage me to develop my talents and feel confident in myself. I needed someone to be proud of who I was, someone who was my friend.
• And now, now I wish I had someone to go to when I needed advice or a small loan, someone to show me how to buy a car or a house and teach me how to be an adult.

regarding my latest crush

Let's call her Nina. Following is part of an email message I recently received from her after mentioning I had driven south for the weekend:

“I'm so jealous! I would have loved to get away for the weekend! Do you have any fun plans for the summer?”

This is not how I answered, but how Rachel wishes she could answer for me:

“Nina, there’s no need to be jealous. I’ll take you away for the weekend anytime. Just tell me when you want to go and we’ll make a plan. Do I have any fun plans for the summer? Girl, I have nothing but fun plans for the summer, and anytime you want to join me would make it even more fun. In fact, I’m looking forward to spending some time with you.”

Ah, wouldn't it be entertaining? And if you were Nina, how might you respond?

love

The other evening, I drove up to a wedding reception with one of my temple-worker friends. It was a somewhat lengthy drive, and we had time to talk, which was nice. On the way home, she suddenly asked me this random question: “Have you ever been in love?”

I hesitated, thinking of MJ and other females I had believed I was “in love” with. I answered, “I think so.” It seemed like a safe answer. But she wasn’t finished asking questions. She probably thought I was being coy, but I was truly debating with myself about how to answer. Do I describe my girlfriends as if they were boyfriends, or do I just claim not to have had any? I have done that in other similar circumstances—told my stories and just changed the gender of the characters. But for some reason, I couldn’t fabricate this time. In the end, I dithered around her questions so much that she finally concluded I didn’t want to talk about it. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her the truth; that the majority of my love interests have been girls. Not because I was afraid of her judgment, now that I think about it, but because I wasn’t ready to fall in her estimation. To my temple-worker friends especially, I want to be who they believe I am. Not that I appear flawless to these people, but I set a certain standard for myself, and that’s how I want to appear to others. Perhaps if I knew this girl much, much better, I wouldn’t mind telling her the truth, because really I am not afraid of losing a friend over such a declaration. But I don’t see any reason to throw such information out for the masses to chew on. Seems pointless.

So the question remains: have I been in love, really? I have been twitter-pated, enamored, fascinated, captivated, infatuated, attracted… but are all these really the same thing? Maybe so.

Certainly I have loved. I have wanted the best for someone, in an unselfish way. I have had the desire to put someone else’s wants before my own. I have been willing to sacrifice and compromise for someone else’s benefit. I have felt great pain at the loss of someone from my life. That’s the great thing about us codependents; we love with great intensity. I have to agree with Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

crushing

I'm crushing. I am having difficulty concentrating because my thoughts keep floating back to her. A girl from the temple shift (again). She started working a while back, and I gave her a tour that day, with the other sisters who were just starting. She's adorable. I want to be her Facebook friend but I'm hesitant because I don't know her that well. A group of us are having lunch on Saturday and I invited her to come. I hope she does.

I like this feeling. I have missed it.

Alex's Hot 40

In honor of AfterEllen.com's Hot 100, I hereby offer my own version, because although mostly I agree with AfterEllen, they left some out, and I don't even know some of those people. And because I don't want to take the time to order them by hotness, here they are in alphabetical order:


Alanis Morissette

Amanda Crew

Amanda Seyfried

Amy Adams

Ashley Judd

Bryce Dallas Howard

Butterfly Boucher

Charlize Theron

Claire Forlani

Diane Kruger

Emily Blunt

Famke Janssen

Gemma Arterton

Hilary Duff

Jennifer Connelly

Jordana Brewster

Julianne Moore

Kate Beckinsale

Kelli Williams

Kristen Bell

Kristen Stewart

Kristin Kreuk

Lea Michele

Lena Headey

Leslie Mann

Marian Aguilera

Marisa Tomei

Mary-Louise Parker

Megan Fox

Monica Bellucci

Natalie Portman

Neve Campbell

Paula Patton

Rachel McAdams

Rhona Mitra

Robin Wright

Stana Katic

Tea Leoni

Tiffany Dupont

Wendy Crewson

Oh, and I also enjoyed looking at the boy candy over on AfterElton.com.