the door

So I think one of the keys to keeping Rachel on her leash is to keep the door closed to influences that will lure her out. And there are so many.

For instance, this morning I logged into the Netflix web site. For the last few years I’ve been getting my video rentals that way. It’s just easier for me. Now they have this thing they call “watch instantly.” There are certain movies that they will let you watch for free with your membership, anytime you want. There isn’t a wide selection, but every once in a while there’s one that catches my eye. All you do is click the link and the movie starts.

I had logged in just to update my queue, just to see when the next one would be mailed, and I got this page of recommendations. I like their recommendations; they’re usually pretty close to what I would choose. This one popped up under comedies called Miss Conception. The cover looked interesting so I hovered to see what it was about, and the name Mia Kirshner caught my eye. I wasn’t so thrilled about the lead, Heather Graham, but Mia… she’s just one of those I have a hard time resisting. If I was flipping channels on the television and happened to see her face, I’d stop. Even though I know she’s an actress who chooses “edgy” roles, which usually means risqué, and for me, dangerous, I love to look at her. She just has one of those presences that commands my attention.

So I stopped. I read the description, and it really didn’t sound that interesting. In fact it was probably a story that was a little “worldly” for my taste and (professed) morals, but I hesitated. I thought about when I might have some time to watch it. And that red flag went up inside my head, telling me this was indeed one of those influences mentioned earlier that I should avoid. I don’t know how long I sat there, trying to justify it, trying to make it all right. I even thought that maybe I could just watch it until I got bored, or until there were parts that I objected to and then I would turn it off, which is denial of the worst kind, because I know myself and I would not have turned it off. I’m not that strong. In reality, when I open that door, I just don’t have the strength or the will to close it.

So I left it closed. [Whew!]

blah

The quandary has been dormant for a while, thank goodness. But I just don’t feel too happy today. Maybe it has something to do with hormones. Listening to Alanis Morissette always gets me thinking. The song in the car this morning—“Giggling Again for No Reason”—made me think about how long it’s been since I felt peaceful like that—just quiet and calm and grateful, with nothing worrying or bothering me. I can’t remember when that was. I know it hasn’t been years or any ridiculous length of time, but I can’t remember the feeling, and it’s a feeling I really like.

Oh, and I have always wanted to drive a Jaguar up Highway 1...
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