A Quandary Uncensored

2012-01-13T09:05:00.000-07:00

Rachel is now on Pinterest, collecting pretty pictures. If you'd like to find her, she's under quandaryuncensored at gmail.

Athleta

2012-01-12T20:51:00.000-07:00

One of the things I can look forward to on a quarterly basis is the arrival of the Athleta catalog to my mailbox. Athleta is a Gap company and sells women’s activewear, and their catalog features some very nice-looking models with perfectly fit bodies. So when the catalog arrives, the first thing I do is look through it once just to study the models.

How does she do that?

(She's my favorite.)

Then I look through it again to check out the clothes. I feel just a little guilty, never buying anything, but the clothes are very expensive, and I don’t really consider myself an athlete with any special need for yoga and running clothing. But I sure don’t mind shopping for them.

Power to the She!

current celebrity crush

2011-11-08T10:28:00.000-07:00

Lana Parrilla

I'm really enjoying ABC's Once Upon a Time. I really didn't think I would, but I have been pleasantly surprised by the quality of the writing. I love when the part of an evil queen is played so well that you really don't like her, but then you learn to appreciate her as time goes on and you learn more about her. Lana Parrilla makes me ache for that awful, evil queen. I find myself on the edge wondering what next week's episode will bring. Please don't kill this show, ABC. Not yet.

crossroads

2011-10-18T19:44:00.001-06:00

(C) by http://www.martin-liebermann.de
Sometimes you just feel a special connection to a person. You may not know why at first, but it’s there and it’s undeniable. I think the Lord has His purposes in giving us those feelings, or maybe they come from some other connection formed in the life before this one. I have always been pretty sensitive to such feelings. The Lord knows this about me and so does the adversary. I think what the adversary does is misdirect those feelings and confuse me into believing they are feelings of attraction, because mostly I feel these kinds of connections to women in my life. So, because I feel drawn to a certain individual, instead of trying to see it as the Lord would see it, I think, I’m attracted to her. I need to pursue this friendship and get to know her better - not because of some plan that the Lord has in mind, but because I want a girlfriend. And I doubt that that was what He had in mind at all.

I guess I’m just not in sync with the Lord’s will, and I haven’t had much desire to be. I’ve just wanted to do my own thing, and it’s really not getting me anywhere. So maybe it’s time to do something different.

Let’s take, for example, Dolores, who I met at church on Sunday. I sat behind her and her husband in Sunday school. I noticed her because a) she was pretty, and b) she was unfamiliar - two valid reasons for noticing someone. I kept looking at her. I could see her in profile, mostly, and I liked the way she looked. I wondered who she was - if they were visiting or new to our ward. I wondered, if they had just moved in, would I get a chance to know her? Would I like her? Would she like me? Subconsciously, now that I recall the thoughts, I wanted very much for us to know and like each other. For some reason I really wanted that, even though I’d never met her before.

So then relief society started and she was introduced to the class, and I discovered that she is my neighbor. They just moved into the house behind us, which has been vacant for a while. She’s pregnant and due in the next couple of weeks. I spoke to her after the meeting and introduced myself. I wanted her to know that I was her neighbor, and that I am friendly and helpful and am interested in being her friend. She seemed friendly too.
Now I have to wonder, what is the reason for the special connection I felt? Why did I feel drawn toward her? What kind of interaction does Heavenly Father have planned for us? Did she feel the same thing I felt? What does Heavenly Father want me to do with these feelings?

At this point, my natural tendency is to decide how to channel these feelings. I can either brush them away as coincidental and insignificant, treat her as I would treat any one of my other neighbors, and never think of the draw again. Or I could go to the other extreme and think about her, obsess about her, fantasize and try and be her special and exclusive friend and bond with her emotionally.

Or, for once, I could try being sensitive to the promptings of the Spirit and ask Heavenly Father what He has planned for us. I don’t think those initial feelings are insignificant. I think they mean something. This time, I’d like to find out what they mean. There could be a really meaningful friendship in my future.

current celebrity crush

2011-09-19T10:07:00.000-06:00

Did you have a favorite soap opera when you were in high school? One that you watched when your mother wasn't looking and discussed with your friends in excited whispers and hushed tones? Mine was Days of Our Lives. Bo and Hope, Kayla and Steve, Marlena and Roman, Pete and Melissa, Jack and Jennifer. It might have been the foundation of my love for dramatic storylines and the multitudes of characters that distracted me from real life. It seems I still need distractions from real life. I recently discovered a melodramatic and entertaining storyline from All My Children featuring "BAM" (as the internets call them) or Bianca and Maggie. Their chemistry is real, even if the writing and acting of the other characters falls short. Again, thank the internets for YouTube.

My favorite is Elizabeth Hendrickson, who played Maggie.

Why, you ask? She's 5'1", a little wisp of a woman, but look at those eyes. And Eden Riegel (Bianca) claims she has very soft lips too, which I do not doubt.

Alex Awards - Girl Guitarists

2011-08-12T14:12:00.001-06:00

The time has come to recognize all of the fine-looking lady guitarists out there. And these girls all have stunning talent too.

Dido Armstrong, AKA Dido

Sara Bareilles (more often considered a pianist, but she plays guitar too)

Butterfly Boucher. She plays BASS guitar. How cool is that?

Michelle Branch. The picture on her web site is much better, actually.

Jonatha Brooke

Colbie Caillat. Super hot. And I love that voice.

Susanna Hoffs. Oh yes, I had to include her.

Lisa Loeb. Where did she go? I loved those groovy glasses. Are we surprised that she has her own line of eyewear?

Sarah McLachlan. The woman just looks (and sings) better with a guitar in her hands.

Alanis Morissette. Making an appearance on the blog again. Because she's awesome. Her talent, in my opinion, is not so much in playing the guitar but in songwriting.

Dolores O'Riordan

Suzanne Vega

Can't believe I forgot Shawn Colvin. She's like my favoritest.

flat

2011-07-19T13:03:00.000-06:00

Last night I had ice cream with Colbie. It was awkward like meeting your favorite missionary companion is after the mission is awkward. During your time together, in the mission or at the temple, you have a purpose in common. You both want to serve in a chosen way, and you have fun together in that service. But when the service is over and you don’t have that in common anymore, something feels like it’s missing and you wonder what else you have in common, and in Colbie’s case, there’s not much.

Conversation between us last night was tentative and halted. I think she came, like I did, with a genuine desire to interact with me again, but after a few minutes, may have wished to be elsewhere. It was a long hour. And she’s not really a hugger either. Her hugs were awkward and stiff. I felt bad for her. I know she’s a genuinely nice person, and she’s more of a pleaser than I am. I don’t think I’ll subject her to that again. If we hang out again it will have to be with other people. I think I’m over my Colbie phase.

questions I wish I could ask

2011-07-19T12:57:00.000-06:00

Dear MJ,

Do you ever linger over memories of me? Do you ever consider what it would be like to be close to me again? Do you think it's possible?

When you look back (which I believe you rarely do) did you love me?

No response necessary for now.

Your old pal,
Alex

addendum to Alex's hot list

2011-07-18T09:36:00.001-06:00

How could I have forgotten Susanna Hoffs? Then again, maybe I'll just make a separate list of women and their guitars. Because how sexy is a woman playing guitar?

And she has a very sexy guitar.

What the Bangles used to look like:

And what they look like now:

current celebrity crush

2011-06-28T11:15:00.000-06:00

Stana Katic. If you're not watching Castle, you should be. I can't even tell you how magnificent it is to watch this face in high definition on a 60" screen (thanks for the setup, BIL).

Father's Day

2011-06-20T14:49:00.000-06:00

I'm usually not too into celebrating father's day. But on Sunday I did send my dad an email wishing him a happy one. That's more than I've ever done in the past. I found the following in some exercises a counselor once had me do. I don't know how helpful it was, other than to get all of those feelings out in the open.

To my father: How I wish things could have been different for me as a child.

I wish I could have been born to two parents who loved the Lord and were devoted to His church and to each other. I would have liked to have a dad who was supportive of my beliefs, who could steer and strengthen my testimony through his faith. I needed someone to encourage me to make right decisions, to be a valiant young woman, to choose good friends and good situations. I needed someone who was honest and clean and worthy of the priesthood. I needed a good example.
I wish I would have had no reason to be mistrustful of men. I watch my nieces with their father and I think I would have liked someone to run to when he came home from work, someone whose lap and embrace I could turn to, someone I could confide in. It would have been nice to kiss a father’s cheek without feeling awkward and uncomfortable. I wish I could have said the words “I love you, dad.” I felt the void.
I missed having a guy in the house, whose presence I knew wasn’t temporary, who told stupid jokes and laughed and tickled me and scolded me when I was wrong.
My family needed financial security. So many times we wondered if we were going to be able to go to the grocery store that week. So many times we could only have one helping of food and one glass of milk at dinner. We needed a dad who brought home a consistent paycheck, and one sufficient enough so that my mom didn’t have to work.
I would have liked full-blooded brothers, who treated me like a sister, not an icon. I wish they could have served missions, because they were taught and encouraged and because their father set an example for them. I wish I would have not been embarrassed by my family, but proud to be related to them.
I wish I had a dad to teach me to dance, and play sports, and fix things, someone to encourage me to develop my talents and feel confident in myself. I needed someone to be proud of who I was, someone who was my friend.
And now, now I wish I had someone to go to when I needed advice or a small loan, someone to show me how to buy a car or a house and teach me how to be an adult.

regarding my latest crush

2011-06-10T11:23:00.001-06:00

Let's call her Nina. Following is part of an email message I recently received from her after mentioning I had driven south for the weekend:

“I'm so jealous! I would have loved to get away for the weekend! Do you have any fun plans for the summer?”

This is not how I answered, but how Rachel wishes she could answer for me:

“Nina, there’s no need to be jealous. I’ll take you away for the weekend anytime. Just tell me when you want to go and we’ll make a plan. Do I have any fun plans for the summer? Girl, I have nothing but fun plans for the summer, and anytime you want to join me would make it even more fun. In fact, I’m looking forward to spending some time with you.”

Ah, wouldn't it be entertaining? And if you were Nina, how might you respond?

love

2011-06-07T20:37:00.000-06:00

The other evening, I drove up to a wedding reception with one of my temple-worker friends. It was a somewhat lengthy drive, and we had time to talk, which was nice. On the way home, she suddenly asked me this random question: “Have you ever been in love?”

I hesitated, thinking of MJ and other females I had believed I was “in love” with. I answered, “I think so.” It seemed like a safe answer. But she wasn’t finished asking questions. She probably thought I was being coy, but I was truly debating with myself about how to answer. Do I describe my girlfriends as if they were boyfriends, or do I just claim not to have had any? I have done that in other similar circumstances—told my stories and just changed the gender of the characters. But for some reason, I couldn’t fabricate this time. In the end, I dithered around her questions so much that she finally concluded I didn’t want to talk about it. I certainly wasn’t going to tell her the truth; that the majority of my love interests have been girls. Not because I was afraid of her judgment, now that I think about it, but because I wasn’t ready to fall in her estimation. To my temple-worker friends especially, I want to be who they believe I am. Not that I appear flawless to these people, but I set a certain standard for myself, and that’s how I want to appear to others. Perhaps if I knew this girl much, much better, I wouldn’t mind telling her the truth, because really I am not afraid of losing a friend over such a declaration. But I don’t see any reason to throw such information out for the masses to chew on. Seems pointless.

So the question remains: have I been in love, really? I have been twitter-pated, enamored, fascinated, captivated, infatuated, attracted… but are all these really the same thing? Maybe so.

Certainly I have loved. I have wanted the best for someone, in an unselfish way. I have had the desire to put someone else’s wants before my own. I have been willing to sacrifice and compromise for someone else’s benefit. I have felt great pain at the loss of someone from my life. That’s the great thing about us codependents; we love with great intensity. I have to agree with Alfred, Lord Tennyson:

I hold it true, whate'er befall;

I feel it, when I sorrow most;

'Tis better to have loved and lost

Than never to have loved at all.

crushing

2011-05-24T12:00:00.001-06:00

I'm crushing. I am having difficulty concentrating because my thoughts keep floating back to her. A girl from the temple shift (again). She started working a while back, and I gave her a tour that day, with the other sisters who were just starting. She's adorable. I want to be her Facebook friend but I'm hesitant because I don't know her that well. A group of us are having lunch on Saturday and I invited her to come. I hope she does.

I like this feeling. I have missed it.

Alex's Hot 40

2011-05-23T15:21:00.000-06:00

In honor of AfterEllen.com's Hot 100, I hereby offer my own version, because although mostly I agree with AfterEllen, they left some out, and I don't even know some of those people. And because I don't want to take the time to order them by hotness, here they are in alphabetical order:

Alanis Morissette

Amanda Crew

Amanda Seyfried

Amy Adams

Ashley Judd

Bryce Dallas Howard

Butterfly Boucher

Charlize Theron

Claire Forlani

Diane Kruger

Emily Blunt

Famke Janssen

Gemma Arterton

Hilary Duff

Jennifer Connelly

Jordana Brewster

Julianne Moore

Kate Beckinsale

Kelli Williams

Kristen Bell

Kristen Stewart

Kristin Kreuk

Lea Michele

Lena Headey

Leslie Mann

Marian Aguilera

Marisa Tomei

Mary-Louise Parker

Megan Fox

Monica Bellucci

Natalie Portman

Neve Campbell

Paula Patton

Rachel McAdams

Rhona Mitra

Robin Wright

Stana Katic

Tea Leoni

Tiffany Dupont

Wendy Crewson

Oh, and I also enjoyed looking at the boy candy over on AfterElton.com.

royal Beckhams

2011-04-29T10:52:00.000-06:00

I could not find one picture of Victoria smiling during this wedding, although David looks hot and like he's having a grand time. What's up, Victoria? You are the QUEEN...of fashion.

P.S. Love the hair piece.

things I love

2011-04-04T14:41:00.000-06:00

Being a writer myself, I can appreciate good writing. I wanted to spend a blog post on one of my newest discoveries in playwriting: Melissa Leilani Larson.

A few months ago I discovered (with the help of Happy Organist) a play she wrote called Little Happy Secrets. You can listen to it here (if you have iTunes or QuickTime player). I related to the story. I'm sure many of us can.

And then I recently saw her stage adaptation of Jane Austen's Persuasion and was truly floored by it. I may have even formed a bit of a crush on the actor who played Anne. She was so fun to watch.

Congratulations, Mel. You made it to my blog.

why it's hard to be good

2011-03-18T10:34:00.000-06:00

When I was young I remember complaining to my mother of being bored, and asking her what I could do to occupy myself. She always had ideas—things I could clean or organize, pictures I could draw, letters I could write, books I could read—but coming from her, these ideas always sounded tedious and as undesirable as my bored state. It took my coming up with my own idea, my own way out of the monotony of idleness, to cheer me up and make me happily occupied. I notice this same pattern with other children I observe. The best ideas are their own ideas.

I think the same sort of thing happens as adults with our heavenly Parent. We’ve been taught about the best ways to spend our time. We know what we need to be doing, and yet why does it seem so unappealing sometimes? Maybe some of it has to do with humility.

President Benson said, “Pride is essentially competitive in nature. We pit our will against God’s. When we direct our pride toward God, it is in the spirit of ‘my will and not thine be done.’ …Our will in competition to God’s will allows desires, appetites, and passions to go unbridled.”

When I say to myself or to others, “I just want to know what I’m supposed to be doing with my life. If God would tell me, I would know what to do, and I would do it. And it would make me happy.” Even though in my heart I believe this, why don’t I do it? Why don’t I ask Him? And why don’t I then listen to the answers that would come?

Fear? And pride?

I know that if I ask, like asking my mother for a youthful occupation, He will have answers and ideas. And even though He will allow me to choose, I know that I will feel compelled to follow that counsel. If it comes directly from God, through the Spirit, it’s revelation to me, right? And revelation is not exactly a suggestion. It’s more like a commandment. Therefore, not heeding and obeying a commandment is essentially being rebellious and disobedient, and there are consequences for such behavior. I’ve lived long enough to know that. Maybe those consequences won't come in the form of punishment, but rather in the withholding of blessings. So isn’t ignorance more comfortable? If I don’t ask, I won’t know, I can’t disobey, and I won’t even miss the blessings I’m not getting. Right?

I know. It’s not that simple. Especially if, because of my divine nature, there are blessings I’m woefully aware that I’m missing out on. Those little tugs and pulls from my spirit aren’t about to go away. And there’s no satisfying them without proper obedience, or in other words, aligning my will with my Father’s.

SWF seeks...

2011-03-17T11:27:00.000-06:00

I think it’s kind of funny when my friends (and in this case, family), "set me up," so to speak, not with a date, but with a possible new best friend. A few years ago, my employer’s wife felt a special urgency to have me meet her neighbor. As some of us know, that blossomed into a fine friendship, even if I was a little stricken with her at first. But it seems like the one who started it knew that was going to happen, because she wasn’t at all surprised when it did.

Recently we had a new couple move into the ward. They’re newly married and don’t have any children yet. The wife is shameless about asking for new friends, and the ward has responded favorably. I like her. She’s daring and transparent and she has red hair. But for some reason, my sister has made a point to illustrate to me how much we have in common. As if she’s trying to get us to be good friends. I wonder at her motives and her thought process. Here are two lonely women in need of a best friend...perhaps they will hit it off with each other? If she’s not going to try very hard to date guys, here’s someone she can at least hang out with and enjoy? As wary as she was about my close friendship with MJ, does she feel a little sad that I don’t have a best friend anymore? And if that is what's behind it, I have to feel somewhat gratified that certain members of my family would place my happiness and comfort over what they would want for me, unlike my mother, who when ~~flirting~~ chatting with the local missionaries, loves to mention that she has a daughter who is still single, even though I’m old enough to have given birth to either of them.

But don't fret, dear readers (or rejoice, depending on your position), I do not think I have a new best friend in the works.

word of the day

2011-03-14T15:00:00.000-06:00

It's charming and understated. I can't begin to describe how attractive it is. I wish writers would use it more and not give me so much information.

current celebrity crush

2011-03-10T14:36:00.000-07:00

I decided on my favorite. It's definitely Silvia (Marian Aguilera). Usually I only post a single picture, but there are so many that showcase her smoldering beauty, I couldn't decide on just one. Please enjoy.

Do I even need to mention her red hair? Even if it wasn't red, I would be totally sucked in by those dark eyes.

not attracted to gay

2011-03-08T14:30:00.006-07:00

I think it’s interesting that of all the females I have been physically attracted to, including celebrities, none are actually gay. I’ve been trying to think of an exception, but I can’t. MJ may be an exception, but who really knows what she is. I doubt she even knows yet. What does this say about me? Do I not know or come in contact with enough women who are in order to make a choice or have an opportunity to pursue a relationship? Am I simply unconsciously attracted to safe people who aren’t going to hurt me? Am I just too scared to get close to anyone not already in my circle? Am I destined to be alone with my imagination for the rest of my life, writing my stories and living vicariously through the characters in movies and TV? That’s pretty sad.

So I’m attracted to females, but what is the point, if I will never find what I want? And what is it that I want? Because those seem to be conflicting things too. I want a physical relationship with a woman, but I don’t want a woman who wants other women. (Although it would be nice to have a woman who wanted only me.) And I want the blessings that the Lord is saving for me, which requires me to have a physical relationship with a man. Aside from celebrities, there are really very few people I find myself attracted to, but I would say that there are probably just as many males in that number as females. The difference is, I’m not afraid to befriend the females, even though they should be a lot more intimidating. There are even fewer people who impress me or who I admire, but probably the number of those is higher on the female side. Generally, women are just amazing, and I think most people, male and female, might agree with me. I’m hard on people—it’s true. But especially guys. Maybe because growing up, they were such a disappointment.

I think, maybe subconsciously, I have been starting to classify myself as gay, just because the idea of having a long-term, affectionate relationship with another female seems so comfortable and secure. But maybe that’s where the media is deceiving me again. I recently finished watching all of the Pepa and Silvia episodes of Los Hombres de Paco, who through the storyline of the show, wind up being a lesbian couple. I really became enamored by these characters, even though I kept saying to myself that I could never consider having a child together with another woman, or getting married or exchanging rings. The idea of that is just foreign to me. The culture I have grown up in doesn’t accept it and neither do I. But I sure enjoyed watching the friendship and the flirtatiousness and the fun that they had together—even the fighting. They were so crazy in love with each other, and no one in their lives disapproved, even though they may have been surprised by it at first. Does that really happen in the real world, or is it only in fiction? I tend to believe it’s only in fiction. And that’s why I enjoy my imaginary world so much. Anything can happen there.

But how long can I really live there and convince myself that I am content?

Los Hombres de Paco

2011-03-02T14:43:00.001-07:00

I may be a little obsessed with a dramedy from Spain called, in English, Paco's Men. Like the girls from t.A.T.u., I can't decide which I like better: Pepa or Silvia. Pepa reminds me of Famke Janssen, whose looks I adore, and she's wild and uninhibited, but Silvia has red hair and her fear and reserve remind me of myself.

Why does it seem like I'm the last to know about these things?

wowsa

2011-03-01T18:51:00.005-07:00

I am speechless...

From the Athleta website. Do you think maybe they're catering to a certain demographic? I'll buy the pants if she will deliver them.

favorite quotes from this week's Glee

2011-02-18T10:12:00.004-07:00

I think Brittany wins for the best one-liners this week, but there were some other good ones as well. Here are my favorites:

Brittany
I wore a tank-top today because I thought it was summer. No one ever taught me how to read a calendar.

Sue
So sorry to not be sorry for interrupting, but do you mind if I borrowed one of your rafters so I can hang myself?

Puck
I'm at the end of my Lauren rope. I'll do anything to get into those enormous pants.

Rachel: I want my allowance back right now!
Brittany: It's already gone. My uncle lost his job and his goat was going hungry, so I spent it on food for the goat. I mean--sort-of. The goat just ate the money.

Sue
Now, as you may know, I have a background in music. For a brief period, I was a tambourine player for Wilson Phillips.

Lauren
Honestly, although my love would crush him, I'm totally turned on by the Biebster [Justin Bieber]. That is, until I remember that he looks like he's 12, and then it's sort of creepy.

Puck: Can I touch your knockers now?
Lauren: Only if you want to lose a hand.

Santana
My carousel horse sweater should make me look like an institutionalized toddler, but no--I look hot and smart. I feel like Michelle Obama.

Brittany
Listen Rachel, I'm going to give you some tough love right now. You're not a trendsetter. When people look at you, they don't see what you're wearing. They see a cat getting its temperature taken, and then they hear it screaming.

Santana to Sam
Despite the fact that your mouth-to-face ratio is like way off, you still somehow manage to be cute. But make no mistake, every time you open your humongous mouth to do an impression or moisten an enormous stamp for a lazy giant, you take one step closer to everyone seeing that you are actually a dork.

All About Us

2011-02-09T16:31:00.004-07:00

I have finally decided on a title for the MJ story:

All About Us

Because it is. And it seems like no matter how many other titles I toss around, that one keeps coming back. So I guess it's meant to be.

I love the temple

2011-02-06T11:07:00.003-07:00

It was really good to be back at the temple yesterday, after missing my shift last week due to visiting my brother. Being back there, among the sisters of my shift, weighted by my responsibility of being an ordinance worker and a latter-day saint, feels good and right. I feel like my authentic self in the temple---happy, selfless, friendly, empathetic and loving, and very likeable. It's the me I like to be. It reaffirms to me that I never want to make any kind of decision that would prevent my being worthy to be there. I never want to be banished from the Lord's house because of some choice I made for temporary satisfaction. I love it there.

flirting

2011-02-02T11:06:00.005-07:00

Last night my sister asked me if I had ever learned how to flirt. I guess she assumed, because I didn't date much, and didn't hang out with boys much, that I didn't get much of an opportunity. And she may be right in that assumption, for the most part. But somewhere along the way, I learned. I flirted with boys. I am not socially awkward, usually. I can, in fact, flirt, as some of you already know.

Just to prove it, I give you exhibit A, a text conversation between Colbie and me:

me: Hi. How are you?
her: Doing lovely. How are you? I miss your face! How is work?
me: Keeping busy...but I want to write stories today. May I write you in?
her: Of course! Is it fiction? Make me semi-normal, will you? Really though, what do you write?
me: Yes, fiction. What is normal?
her: Cute, smart, commitment-keeping
me: Cute and smart I could do... Have you felt well? I thought maybe I could make the character fragile and sickly.
her: Ha ha. I went to the doc, so we'll see. I like the fragile and sickly idea.
me: yes, it's romantic
her: I'm sure someone might find it so. Maybe. Hopefully... :)
me: What do you want your romantic interest to look like? Reddish hair? Freckles? Pale or ruddy?
her: I like hair. Red is fine. Maybe glasses? Could he be tall, by any chance? Maybe LOVE country music?
me: Tall is good. Glasses could be sexy. I don't know how believably I could write about loving country music though.
her: It's not you loving it--so it's doable, right?
me: Well, I'm amazing. So I guess I could do that. For you.
her: Ha ha. Thanks, from my fictional self.
me: I might need some more time with you. You know, to make the character more realistic.
her: Yes, please! Did [our coordinator at the temple] put you up to this as a ploy to get me to the shift?
me: No.
her: When you say we should spend more time together, do you mean you and Larry? [the guy she's trying to set me up with...that's his real name]
me: As long as you're there.
her: That sounds wicked boring and not date-like in the least.
me: You're right. Let's leave Larry out of it.
her: boo

twitter

2011-01-28T14:02:00.002-07:00

Rachel has decided to TWEET. If you would like to follow her, at your own risk, she is @quncensored.

time for an update

2011-01-24T11:00:00.002-07:00

MJ paid me a little birthday visit, which was quite pleasant. I enjoyed it very much.

And my conundrum...let's call her Colbie...is trying to set me up with an older male friend in her circle. How do I tell her I'd much rather hang out with her?

current celebrity crush

2011-01-24T10:10:00.007-07:00

I'm not over Emily Blunt, at all. But I have been watching Masterpiece Classic's Downton Abbey and I'm really enjoying newcomer Jessica Brown-Findlay as Lady Sybil. I especially like her voice. The character is fun too. I hope to see some more of her.

Gossip Girl

2011-01-07T10:04:00.003-07:00

Anybody watch this? Rachel is thinking of giving it a go.

current celebrity crush

2011-01-03T09:06:00.003-07:00

Emily Blunt. You may know her from The Devil Wears Prada, in which she was a complete scene stealer, and The Young Victoria (excellent). I watched an obscure film this weekend that really showcased her talent as an actress, called My Summer of Love. Kind of a lame title, but an amazing psychological drama. The other girl was really amazing too. I've been thinking about it nonstop.

She gets to me. I just want to keep looking at her.

the Alex awards, part eight

2010-12-29T14:35:00.012-07:00

Favorite Russians

#10 - Isaac Asimov. Science fiction writer. I didn't know I liked science fiction until I read some of his stuff in high school.

#9 - Anna Karenina. Yes, I know she's a fictional character, but I always felt bad for her. And she's been immortalized by so many great actresses, including Greta Garbo, Vivien Leigh, and Sophie Marceau.

#8 - Ayn Rand. Novelist and creator of philosophical objectivism. The books are The Fountainhead and Atlas Shrugged, and I highly recommend them.

#7 - Pyotr Tchaikovsky. Classical composer of the romantic era. Does anyone not know The Nutcracker, Swan Lake or Sleeping Beauty? I grew up with that stuff. It might have been my first introduction to classical music.

#6 - Wassily Kandinsky. Abstract artist. My introduction to him was in a humanities class in college, and later in art classes. I learned to really appreciate his paintings.

#5 - Natalia Nikolaevna Zakharenko, AKA Natalie Wood. Actress, from Miracle on 34th Street to West Side Story. I never knew she was Russian, until I did a little research. She was born in the US, but her parents were immigrants. I used to be quite fascinated by her.

#4 - Grand Duchess Anastasia Nikolaevna, youngest daughter of Tsar Nicholas II. I was always intrigued by her story, as dramatized by several Hollywood productions. The one I saw first was a mini-series, Anastasia: The Mystery of Anna, starring Amy Irving. They finally disproved her supposed survival of her family's assassination in 2008. So disappointing. I always wanted the story to be true.

#3 - Sergei Prokofiev. Another classical composer. When I was very young I had this record of Peter and the Wolf. I listened to it all the time. Very good memories associated with that music.

#2 - Anton Chekhov. Writer and father of the modern short story. I wish I could read in Russian, and not just translations. He was also quite nice looking as a young man.

And finally, #1 - Yulia Volkova and Lena Katina, of t.A.T.u. I know, after all of that culture, I choose two little pop music stars as my number one. I just love the music. Even in Russian.

conundrum

2010-12-28T13:59:00.004-07:00

I have this friend that sends me text messages sometimes. She's this friend. She’s still making an effort, and I’m not sure why. Sometimes, when I get such messages, I want to respond with something like, “Leave me alone! Don’t you realize you’re teasing me? I really like you. I really want you to like me back, but I know you can’t give me the kind of time I want, so I don’t want to invest and be frustrated. It’s way too hard to be casual with you and pretend you’re not a big deal, because I would like it if you were. Or at least part of me does.”

Before she left town to spend Christmas with her family, she sent me a text asking what my plans were for the holiday. After some back and forth, I asked her what she asked Santa Claus for. She answered, “More time with my friend Alex.” Such a tease! What do I do with her? She says all the right things and does none of them. She is a conundrum.

attractive things about people

2010-10-15T19:51:00.003-06:00

I was sitting in the shop waiting for the safety & emissions inspection on my car, and I made a list. As I watch people, I sort of collect things I like about people in general. This what I came up with, in no particular order:

straight teeth
clean fingernails
clothing that fits and flatters
attentive eyes
the ability to listen without interrupting
a contagious, disarming smile
unprovoked kindness
red hair
clear skin
generous lips
uninhibited laughter

The guy who worked on my car, in fact, had very nice red hair and skin like a sun-ripened peach. If his ears had been substantially smaller I might have thought him very cute.

Latvia

2010-10-14T14:27:00.004-06:00

According to the BBC, there are 8% more women than men in the country of Latvia. There are also 3,000 more women than men in the 30-39 age range. If you want to know why, you can read the article. I find this interesting:

"The smartest girls are alone. The really beautiful girls are alone - if they are smart," Dace says. "They want to find partners who are equal to them. But a man, having all this choice, doesn't need to be very perfect. He just sits in front of the TV and knows he can get a woman. And if she doesn't suit him, he will get another. Smart women simply don't want to have such men as their partners," she adds.

Sounds like Rachel would like to live in Latvia. She's always had a fondness for Russians.

in response to all of the hullabaloo

2010-10-12T21:08:00.003-06:00

I've been silent for a while. Not struggling so much, which is nice, but it leaves very little to write about. I have known I need to say something about General Conference, and about President Boyd K Packer's talk. I've needed to and I want to, because I want people to know where I stand. But then I found this guy's post, and I thought that he probably feels exactly about that talk as I feel, and he explained himself so well and so eloquently and with so much faith, that I couldn't help but link to it. It's a good read, and so are all of the comments (the ones that I read...there are almost 200 at this point). So, if you're interested, here's his post.

When you read the talk again, with the topic of pornography in mind, it's obvious that that's what it's mainly about.

There is, of course, one other thing I'd like to add. I can change. You can change. The atonement of Jesus Christ makes change possible, if we invite its healing influence into our lives. My nature can be changed so that I can experience what the Nephites did in Mosiah chapter 5: "...the Spirit of the Lord Omnipotent, which has wrought a mighty change in us, or in our hearts, that we have no more disposition to do evil, but to do good continually."

pet peeve #5

2010-09-01T15:41:00.002-06:00

Need I say more? It's worse than LOL.

I spy

2010-09-01T15:20:00.003-06:00

Maybe it's just because I've been reading the Gallagher Girls books, but I was reminded the other day of a game I used to play with myself in junior high school. I rode the bus to school then, and sometimes it dropped us off too early for the first class, so I was left to entertain myself until it was time to go and sit down in the classroom. I would pretend to be a spy. I would pick someone--anyone--random was always best--and make them my subject. If they were walking, I would follow them, at a comfortable distance. If they were sitting talking to friends, I would find a good lookout and watch whatever they were doing. I'd take notes. Until the bell rang, I was a private investigator. I'm pretty sure the game didn't end with junior high school.

I had arranged to meet some friends downtown the other day. I had to drive around the block a couple of times to find a decent parking place. And then, not finding one very close to the designated restaurant, I had to walk a few blocks. It gave me a moment to ruminate on this game I used to play. And I considered trying it again. But I didn't have that much time. It was fun to think about anyway.

current celebrity crush

2010-08-03T10:33:00.002-06:00

Kelli Williams from Fox's Lie To Me. She cried in this week's episode. I'm a sucker for a good crying actress.

Rachel loves YouTube

2010-07-19T10:50:00.003-06:00

So I'm browsing on YouTube the other evening and I find this clip from a movie called Jennifer's Body, in which Megan Fox plays a zombie who feeds on boys from high school. It looks as ridiculous as it sounds. But in the middle of the random amounts of gore that I'm sure are plentiful, Fox's character, while possessed, visits her best friend, played by Amanda Seyfried, and they make out. I think the scene was made just.for.me. Or for Rachel, rather. By the devil himself.

hunger

2010-07-16T11:54:00.002-06:00

Lately, I am hungry. Not for food or a particular person, but for connection. And being unable to make a significant connection, I find myself searching for substitutes. I want to read and be consumed by stories. And not any stories, but stories of romance and new love, and connection.

Probably just my spirit is hungry. And I should probably feed it.

more about smell

2010-07-15T12:08:00.002-06:00

I can remember the smell of most people I have loved. Smell is important to me, for some reason. I always associate people with a smell—whether it is the smell of their person, or their home, or their pet, in some cases, or the food they often eat, in other cases. With celebrities, or people I don’t really know but have only seen pictures of, I still wonder about their smell. Michelle Pfeiffer, I’m quite sure, smells really good, and Gwyneth Paltrow does not. I can’t explain it. It’s just a thing I do.

And then there are people who bathe in their perfume. I am not a fan of that method of application. Perfume should be subtle. I shouldn’t be able to smell you unless I am very close to you. The receptionist at my workplace, for instance, smells really good, but only from a distance. And that’s about all that I like about her.

On the flip side, a bad smell, particularly bad breath, is one of the worst things for me to have to endure. My nose is pretty sensitive. I could never be in a relationship with someone whose smell I found offensive.

I guess the first person I ever loved was my mother. With your family, you tend to take the good with the bad, so when they smell badly you excuse it as temporary. I still like the way my mother smells. I will always recognize it. The first of my peers that I ever became very attached to was my first (well, almost first) college roommate. I remember she had a kind of perfumey and hairspray sort of smell. It wasn’t my favorite, but I loved her anyway. Then there was my apartment neighbor, whose smell I always associate with hand soap and Biolage shampoo. It was bliss to get my nose into her plentiful head of hair. My Mexican roommate's is the smell I miss the most, I think. Hers was Eternity perfume. I have since caught snatches of it and the scent takes me back in an instant, but no one and no bottle quite smells the way she did. A--- just smelled clean, like laundry soap and dryer sheets. I can’t keep those memories in a bottle because laundry smell is upon me too often. Amy, however, still smells like Gain dryer sheets, and I haven’t been able to bring myself to use Gain in my own laundry because I want that smell to stay hers. And then of course there’s MJ, whose memory is most recent in my mind, who smelled like Bath & Body Works Warm Vanilla Sugar. I cannot walk into one of those stores and sniff it. It’s still too much for me. I would make myself close to her and soak it up, if I could.

Speaking of MJ, she came to church with her sister on Sunday, and since their parents were out of town, they sat with us, which I welcomed, as did my nieces. She is still a favorite, even if she made me a preference. She sat next to me during the meeting, with her sister on the other side of her, and I have to admit I didn’t hear a whole lot of what was coming from the pulpit. We whispered, probably too much, and I was very aware of the touch of her arm against mine. She has such nice skin.

Brandon Flowers

2010-07-14T15:12:00.005-06:00

My new favorite music video. You'll see why.

Awesome, right?

Speaking of favorite music videos, here's another one I like to watch again and again.

Alanis Morissette - Crazy

walking

2010-07-07T11:13:00.002-06:00

Last night the air was cool and I had a little energy to use, so I drove to the cemetery and went for a walk. The sun was still out, but darkness would descend within the hour. It’s been a while since I had a good walk outside, and it felt good. As always, there were a few people observations.

There was a group of four middle-aged women, dressed typically, as if to go shopping, not to walk for fitness. They were roaming among the gravestones as if taking a tour. One acted as spokeswoman. I imagined that she was directing the others as to which stones needed repair or improvement. But I had my music on in my ears. I had no idea what they were doing.

There was one girl who was sitting on the grass in front of a fresh grave. She appeared to be writing in a notebook. There were masses of flower arrangements on the area, as if the funeral had happened that day. Kind of sad.

Another girl passed me running. She had a long, blonde ponytail and was wearing a tee-shirt and running shoes, but knee-length cargo shorts—like the kind you wear hiking. It seemed funny to me. She was a bit heavy in the hips and was running slowly. She had sort of an athletic gait, like she might have been more tomboy than girl. As she turned the corner in the road, she took occasion to look back at me. It made me smile. I silently urged her on because she seemed to be struggling, and as fast as I was walking I wondered if I would catch up to her if she slowed to a walk, but I lost track of her after a while. It would be kind of funny if she read my blog and recognized herself here. ;)

eclipse

2010-07-03T15:38:00.002-06:00

My favorite Cullen is...

...Alice.

I'm so different

2010-06-21T12:29:00.007-06:00

I try to be different, just for effect. Don't we all want to feel unique? But I'm copying this post idea from Arianne, which is, ironically, about being different.

Name something you hate that everyone else loves:

Krispy Kreme glazed doughnuts. I know, they're all the rage. But give me cake doughnuts any day. Their glazed ones just taste like raw dough and land at the bottom of my stomach like a blob of Play-Doh.

Name something you love that everyone else hates:

Redheads. Of both the male and female variety. I just really find it attractive. Even the accompanying fair complexions or freckles. Children are especially cute. I hope I get a redhead of my own someday.

guys in flip-flops

2010-06-15T10:49:00.004-06:00

How do you feel about men wearing flip-flops? Is it hot? Or not?

For me, it depends on the feet. I used to despise feet. You wouldn't catch me dead in a pair of open-toe sandals, and I avidly avoided looking at anyone's bare feet for fear that nausea might overtake me. I'm not so disgusted anymore. I've come to accept my own feet, and the fact that some feet are just ugly. But every once in a while I spot a sexy group of toes.

Sidenote: That reminds me of a line from All About Steve. Mary's father(?) asks, "Mary, why do you wear those stupid red boots all the time?" To which she responds,

"Because they make my toes feel like ten friends on a camping trip. That's why I wear them."

(Loved.that.movie.)

Anyway, I'm not sure exactly what it is that makes a foot sexy, but there it is. I don't mind a guy in flip-flops, unless his feet are nasty. For the requirements on girls' sandal-clad feet, see here.

And on another related sidenote, when shopping online for flip-flops, or any variety of sandal, why aren't they shown being worn rather than by themselves? Doesn't a sandal look better with a foot in it?

kissing

2010-06-09T21:44:00.003-06:00

Watching people kiss is my porn. Well, watching actors, really, because real public displays of affection are more embarrassing than fun to watch. Raise your hand if you knew this about me. I'm not fond of admitting it, yet it's true. People think it's weird that I "collect" kisses. When I was in college I used to connect two VCRs together and record my favorite scenes to a blank video tape. Now there's YouTube. How awesome is that?

dating

2010-06-07T12:30:00.004-06:00

If you go on a date, but it's with someone of your same gender, and it's not meant to be a date but feels very much like one, can you safely call it a date? Because the next time someone asks me how long it's been since I went on a date with someone, I want to be accurate.

current celebrity crush

2010-05-18T17:10:00.003-06:00

Anna Friel. I've been introduced and have fallen in love with Pushing Daisies. Too bad it's not on anymore. I really dig it.

I was first introduced in Timeline, and then Our Mutual Friend, but I think I like her character in Pushing Daisies the most.

interest

2010-05-18T08:19:00.003-06:00

I may be interested in someone. I don't want to call it a crush, because that would make it mean something, and I don't want it to mean anything, especially. I want friendship. But that codependent side of me, that side that likes to be attached to someone, wants exclusive friendship, and since I know that is really not likely with this person, I am going to keep my interest at a distance. There is always the possibility of becoming better friends. She likes to travel. She went to Hawaii last month and invited me to go, but, considering the state of my finances, I decided to be wise. But she is interested in a traveling companion, and so am I. So I want to say I like where this may be going, but also, I don't.

I will not fret. She is a good Mormon girl. She is most likely not interested in me that way. I am a good Mormon girl, and I like being that way, so I will not get my feathers in a ruffle. I just thought I'd put it out there. :)

midlife quiz

2010-04-29T10:56:00.007-06:00

I just thought this was interesting. You may want to take it yourself. It comes from a book I'm reading called Change Your Mind, Change Your Body by Ann Kearney-Cooke, PhD.

How do you feel about your body?

I feel generally satisfied with my body: a) true, b) somewhat true, or c) false. "Unhappiness about appearance erodes self-esteem and can lead to unhealthy behaviors."
I have at least some attractive physical attributes. (same answers as above)
I feel self-conscious about my body: a) rarely/never, b) sometimes, c) usually. "Self-consciousness leads to behaviors like hiding the body and feelings of shame and withdrawal from others."
I usually compare my body to the bodies of other women a) my own age, b) somewhat younger, or c) under thirty.
When someone compliments me on the way I look, I usually feel a) flattered, b) skeptical or c) self-conscious. "Inability to respond to, accept, or feel comfortable with compliments is a common sign of negative body image."
I worry about the effect of aging on my looks: a) never, b) occasionally, or c) most of the time.
I exercise a) at least three times a week, b) a few times a month, or c) rarely/never. “Exercise builds confidence.” I don’t know if that’s why I do it. I do it for the adrenaline. I do it so that my mind feels happier.
I have taken diet pills, fasted or followed an extremely low-calorie diet: a) rarely/never, b) at least once in the past year, or c) several times in the past year.
Compared to five years ago, I feel that I look a) better, b) the same, or c) worse.

(paraphrasing) "If you chose mostly A answers, you seem to feel generally positive about your body. If you chose mostly C answers, you owe it to yourself to make changes. Negative feelings and attitudes can interfere with your life and erode self-esteem. It's important to explore what gets in the way of accepting your body. If you chose a relatively equal mix of A, B and C answers, your body image could be improved."

did you know?

2010-04-28T15:10:00.002-06:00

Google Reader is a pretty cool thing. People who use it know of its coolness. What some people may not realize is that if a blogger posts something and then later decides to delete the post, it still shows up in the Reader. Thus, that blogger's readers get the special privilege of reading what the blogger decided they didn't want anyone to read. Cool, huh?

favorite quotes from this week's Glee

2010-04-14T13:51:00.002-06:00

It's back!

Terri:
Don't bother sleeping with my husband tonight. You're already screwed.

two Cheerios, to Finn:
Let us give you an introduction into the way that we work. You buy us dinner, and we make out in front of you. It's like the best deal ever.

Brittany:
Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?

and Sue:
After offering the principal coffee, "I would have gotten you one, Will, but I don't like you."

After snipping off a boy's ponytail in the hallway, "There. You no longer confuse me with your she-male looks. I'm going to donate this to the victims of Hurricane Katrina. They can use it to plug the holes in their trailers."

I won't be burying any hatchets, William, unless I happen to get a clear shot to your groin.

I'm going to bring some Asian cookery to rub your head with, because right now you have enough product in your hair to season a wok.

You two should be wetting yourselves with shame.

I am engorged with venom. And triumph. Now get the hell out of my office.

help

2010-04-12T14:02:00.004-06:00

What do you think I should call the Leah/Tristan story?
http://poll.fm/1t954

poem 4, Isabel

2010-04-12T11:49:00.002-06:00

I heard her voice today
subdued and held in balance
just above the hum of audible conversation,
rising and falling, tonal and
incomprehensible, like overhearing the
television from the next room.
I heard her voice and involuntarily
inclined my head, straining to catch
a word, a phrase, leaning to learn
a portion of the dialogue,
though it may have been trivial.

Now flashes of her filter through my
thoughts like things stuck in cobwebs.
Vain imaginations, lined up in the
projector of my mind—moments of an
exchange, an expression, a lazy afternoon,
a disarming smile—they swim around in
my stomach, swirling and churning and taking
up all the space. Concentrating seems
absurd, focusing ineffectual.

In manageable distraction I exist
in a wavering place, forced into thoughts
of action by my restlessness—for fantasies
grow old and fresh anticipation stales
without resolve. I want to hear that voice,
speaking to me. Only her unwillingness—
not my fear, nor the furious butterflies, nor
my own stubborn propriety—should deter
me from my mission. And yet her voice,
languid, floating, dreamlike in my memory...
a first time only happens once.

culture

2010-04-12T11:11:00.002-06:00

I love that in our culture it’s acceptable for girls to be affectionate with each other (to an extent). There are certainly limits to it, of course, and in other cultures in the world it’s even more lenient. But guys really aren’t allowed much of anything, except in the church. Or in sports. ;)

former crush

2010-04-12T10:59:00.003-06:00

It’s interesting how you can have kind of a crush on someone, or desire their attention so badly, and then as time goes by that completely goes away, and you wonder why you ever were so interested in that pursuit in the first place. I’m not quite talking about MJ yet. I don’t know that I’m completely over her, although I do like being free of the pull. I’m talking about a friend from high school. I went and had dinner at her house on Saturday. I like her family, especially her kids. I love her laugh. I love her cooking. But I do not know what I ever thought I was going to get from that relationship. It was many years ago...maybe ten. She was kind and she encouraged my friendship; that much I remember. Maybe I was looking for a nurturer, and she can be a good one, but she’s far too needy herself to be effective.

answer

2010-04-08T20:17:00.003-06:00

An interesting anonymous question popped up over on my Formspring page. It required a little research to find the answer, so I thought I'd post it.

How old were you when you discovered/decided you were gay?

I was 30. Remember that Russian duo, the two young girls that made up a band called t.A.T.u.? They made this music video for their song "Ya Soshla S Uma" ("All the Things She Said") wherein they sang dressed in school uniforms in the rain. I turned on MTV one afternoon and it happened to be playing. It was the first time I had ever seen girls kissing. I found it fascinating and disturbing at the same time. I don't know how many times I watched that video. It may be even more disturbing to me now, realizing how young those girls were...

chaos

2010-04-08T09:30:00.003-06:00

I ate lunch in my car on Monday afternoon, after my lunch plans with a friend got hijacked. I also had a little email exchange with Arianne last night. This is the dream that ensued early this morning:

I was sitting in my car, eating crackers out of the box, waiting for something. Maybe my lunch break to be over, or school to start, or something. It seemed like I was parked outside of a school. Or the building where I worked. I used to do that when I was working temporary jobs in California. Anyway, all of a sudden, Arianne popped into my car and sat down in the passenger seat. Her face seemed really close, like she was studying me.

"It’s kind of sad, you know," she said. "You doing your own thing all the time."

I understood that maybe she was trying to tell me that I shouldn’t be alone so much. That I needed to be more social.

"Why not?" I replied. "This is what I usually do."

Then we went for a drive. She urged me to drive fast, recklessly around the corners. She held on for dear life, and we laughed. We went past schools and children walking, neighborhoods and tall trees. And soon there were dogs everywhere. At first, one or two, which doesn’t strike one as odd. In every neighborhood there’s a loose dog somewhere. But then there were more and more, and they were everywhere, and I began to be alarmed by how many there were. I thought maybe we had driven into an animal shelter compound or something. And then they were doing tricks, like standing on each others’ shoulders and balancing, like in a circus. Or a child’s book about a circus, because clearly these dogs were doing human tricks that were not possible in reality. And then, as if it could get more bizarre, there were suddenly monkeys. Chimpanzees, baboons, gorillas—all kinds of monkeys, just hanging out along the road, as if we had driven right into the middle of a zoo, where the monkeys lived out in the open, without cages.

Do you think maybe this means that my life feels a little chaotic? Maybe I don’t feel like I’m in control? That was my conclusion.

midlife

2010-04-07T09:47:00.004-06:00

I’m only 39, but my body is changing. Apparently this "midlife" period of time invites physical changes that I didn’t anticipate, like weight gain and slowing metabolism, making weight loss and activity a little more difficult. I hear of people close to the end of their lives—80, 90 years old—running marathons, playing sports, active and energetic, and I can’t imagine how they do it. I should be able to do so much more. But I’m feeling discouraged.

One of my friends went to this doctor (a nurse practitioner, really) and discovered that her body is vitamin D deficient and insulin resistant, and now she’s taking medication to correct that and she’s losing weight. But she’s active, and she’s younger than I am. She goes to the gym twice a day and participates in bike races. Where does she find the energy, the motivation? This practitioner suggested that my problem is more likely my diet, and my age. Supposedly it’s normal to gain some weight and slow down a bit, and no matter how much I resist it, there it is, happening with or without my consent. It was depressing news for me. She took some blood anyway, just to run tests that might indicate anything else that could be wrong, but I think she’s right. I’m very healthy. I don’t have anything seriously wrong with me.

There are books that would suggest that my attitude should change as my body changes, to be more accepting and resilient. People have always told me I look young. They can’t believe I’m almost 40 years old. And in my mind I still feel like I’m in my 20s. But maybe it’s time to wake up to reality and accept my losses. (All quotes below come from Change Your Mind, Change Your Body: Feeling Good About Your Body and Self After 40, by Ann Kearney-Cooke and Florence Isaacs.)

Loss of youthful appearance. "The former prom queen has more to lose than the wallflower." My youthful appearance is on its way out. My hair is graying and there are wrinkles around my eyes. I was no prom queen, but such things can only be covered up or denied for so long. "Negative feelings about your body affect your moods, your eating habits, your sex life, and your relationships. That's why it's important to develop many sources of self-esteem, such as close relationships with others or involvement in meaningful work..." I admit to having negative feelings about my body. Especially lately.

Loss of energy. I’ve mentioned it before. I get tired faster. I feel older. I expect myself to be able to do things I used to do, like hop on a bicycle and ride around, climb stairs without feeling out of breath, or hike up a mountain trail, and I can’t do it like I used to. It’s frustrating.

Loss of parent independence. I may have usually felt more like a mother to my mother than a daughter, but it’s truer now than it ever was before. My mother no longer has a husband to lean on, and she’s taken to leaning on me. She has doctors and therapists and case workers, but she asks a lot more of me than she used to. That’s how it goes. She can’t do as much for herself. I can either resent it, like I have the majority of my life, or accept it and do the best I can.

Loss of opportunities. When I was young, I always thought I’d be a good mother. I wanted to be a mother, to prove to myself that I was right. I wanted the opportunity to launch some great, well-adjusted citizens into the world. I don’t know what kind of mother I would have been, exactly, but I’m not as confident about my abilities as I once was, now that I’ve watched my sister raise her kids and I know how difficult it is. But I still might have liked the chance, and I didn’t get it. And though it’s technically not too late, and that window of opportunity isn’t completely closed, I still feel like I’m not going to have that experience, and maybe I need to bid it farewell. Because even if I got married tomorrow and gave birth to a baby within a year, it would be exhausting. I don’t know how women do that in their 40s. I don’t know that I would want to do it now. I do feel fortunate to have been able to live with my family these last five or so years, because I have been able to almost feel what it’s like to be a parent, and feel the unconditional love of children. People assume that it’s a sacrifice for me, but it’s been a blessing in my life.

Loss of security. When you’re young you don’t think about retirement. People talk to you about investing and saving money, and you do it because your company matches your retirement contribution, or whatever. You do it because it’s the wise thing to do. But you really don’t think a lot about that time in your life when you might be unable to work anymore. Sometimes, now, I worry about it. The economy hasn’t been kind to my retirement savings, and I haven’t been able to contribute to it for several years. I’ve been too distracted by my debt and contributing to that. Now that I’m getting more serious about dissolving the debt, I should probably be thinking about savings too. Or I could end up like my mother and a lot of other Americans guilty of poor planning, living on Social Security. Our nation is so in debt now that even Social Security isn’t something one can rely on.

Apparently I have some losses to mourn. I also have noticed that I compare myself to others. Like Tiburon, the exercise nazi. I just don’t want to work as hard as she does. Or MJ, whose flat, lean and firm abdomen is 16 years younger than mine. She works at it a lot harder than I ever wanted to. Or my mother, who I hope I don’t ever look like. "...define your success by self improvement instead of triumph over others. Good feelings don't have to come from 'I exercise more than my neighbor next door.' They can come from goals that are important to you and which you are setting and meeting. Channel competitive feelings, which we all have at times, into being the best you can be, whatever the endeavor—which is different from being better than someone else. Stop comparing yourself, because that leads to body hatred."

So maybe it’s time to get some new clothes and stop stressing about this weight gain, and focus instead on the underlying source(s) of my distress. "You have thirty or forty years ahead of you. Are you going to spend them worrying about the last ten pounds? Or are you going to grow up, learn from your failures instead of being demoralized by them, and use your considerable strengths?" Well said.

bodies

2010-04-07T09:16:00.004-06:00

When I was young, I had older brothers. I can say that in past tense because I don't have them anymore. They were step-brothers, and they pretty much left my life when their dad did. That was dad #2. Anyway, I physically wanted to be like them. I wanted to play basketball and baseball and football and soccer like they did, and I tried. I didn't want to be like them, because they were not very smart, and not very good, and they didn't do so well in school, and got in trouble a lot. I excelled where they didn't, and that was acceptable to me. But for some reason, I wanted to be more masculine. I imagine that because I tried to emulate their athletic skills, I probably also tried to walk and talk like they did too. Later, I wished I hadn't gone that far. I've had to work on redefining the walk and the talk.

I have come to terms with the fact that I am female and will always be female and have a female body, and that's okay with me. (Except for days like today, when I have cramps.)

But sometimes, when I look at men's clothing in all the catalogs that arrive in my mailbox, I think to myself, "If I had a man's body, I would rock that shirt."

good news and bad news

2010-03-29T13:25:00.005-06:00

The good news is my mother's bulldog died yesterday. I may have mentioned the stinky, slimey, insecure animal before. He had developed a cancerous tumor on his shoulder. It's a shame, but only because he never got to share his sperm with another dog. That we know of. Good riddance. I despised the animal.

The bad news is, she's getting another one from the rescue tomorrow.

She used to be dependent on men. Now she's dependent on dogs.

formspring.me

2010-03-26T15:40:00.006-06:00

Is there anything you've been dying to ask me? http://formspring.me/alexandredumas

more Sue Sylvester

2010-03-24T11:56:00.003-06:00

Sneaky Gays

Whoever writes this stuff - hilarious!

digit ratios

2010-02-23T15:29:00.007-07:00

Okay, so has anybody ever heard of this?

The ratio between index and ring finger is believed to be linked to exposure to the male hormone testosterone in the womb. On average, men tend to have longer ring fingers and women longer index fingers. The higher the testosterone, the greater the length of the ring finger and the more "masculine" the resulting child – whether male or female. Link

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley found the difference in the length between women's ring fingers and index fingers tend to be greater for lesbians than straight women. The same study also found that a greater difference in length of men's ring fingers and index fingers for gay men with several older brothers as compared to straight men. Link

I find this fascinating. This is my hand:

You can see that my ring finger is longer than my index finger, by about half an inch. According to the first article sited, "people with longer ring fingers tend to excel on the sports field, especially in running and football." I used to be somewhat athletic, but that's where it ends. I never was really good at any one sport.

"Scientists at the University of Bath found that children who had longer ring fingers are better with numbers-based subjects such as maths and physics, which are traditionally male favourites." Not so with me. If I am to fit into their study, I should have a longer index finger: "...longer index fingers indicated good verbal and literacy skills, where girls dominate."

But being exposed to more levels of testosterone in the womb? They may be onto something there. What do your fingers say about you?

More information: http://human-nature.com/nibbs/02/manning.html

further quandary

2010-02-18T15:41:00.004-07:00

I reason I guess I have a hard time calling or labeling myself gay or lesbian is not because I don’t believe in labels (heaven knows that in reality I accept enough of them), but because I seldom find myself attracted to other lesbians. I’m not just talking generalities, though if I’m going to fantasize about someone I would rather look at a feminine-looking girl. Call it fear, if you will (because I know that’s what some of you are thinking), but my close encounters with certain females who have chosen that path have not been experiences that leave me longing for more. Even Rachel (as I wrote her) fell for Heather when she was a divorcee and not even of a disposition to look for companionship of either gender. Perhaps Rachel is more like me than she realizes.

There really isn’t a pigeonhole for what I am attracted to. I know it when I see it, and when I see it, it’s usually a good Mormon girl whose manner or appearance strikes me a certain way.

Take my neighbor, the Ikea-loving friend I’ve mentioned before. I knew when I first watched her raise her hand and make a comment in a church class that I was going to like that girl. I knew I wanted her for my friend. She struck me as stable and funny and kind, and just out-of-reach. Yes, she’s friendly and warm, but there’s something about her that prevents any attempt at emotional intimacy. And don’t get me wrong, that’s a good thing, because otherwise I’d be her shadow. With all of my codependent tendencies, I’d latch on as if my life depended on it. And I don’t need that.

She left a message on my phone the other day, needing a favor for something, and I haven’t been able to erase it. I love the sound of her voice. I like to absorb it. I’ve played the message a few times and it makes me smile.

I know “normal” is relative, but my attraction to her seems “normal” to me. However it does make me wonder if I’m just destined to be single, if I find difficulty being attracted to people—male or female—who would welcome and return my attentions to the degree that a relationship developed. Feel free to disagree with me. I invite your arguments. I’m kind of in the mood to defend my position.

all about Rachel

2010-02-16T12:06:00.003-07:00

Rachel has an appetite. I know, we all have appetites for some things, but when Alex is sans meds, Rachel’s appetites seem to grow boundless. What else would have prompted her to join a singles dating site and claim to be looking for other women? I tend to think that “normal,” socially well-adjusted people just don’t do that sort of thing. But what do I know? All I know is that medication helped keep her under control. And now that there is no medication, I can hear her growling.

She’s not a mean or an angry person, but she is kind of possessive, and quite driven. She will do whatever it takes to get what she wants, though that’s almost easy for her. She’s attractive. Attractive people seem to have a sort of magic about them—a magic way of getting people to do what they want them to do. People are drawn to her even though they may feel intimidated. They may hesitate to approach, but they still want to see and feel some of her glory. Even though she brandishes a do-not-disturb sign, people are fond of pushing her boundaries. She’s not very good with boundaries. Maybe others can sense this. The proverbial paparazzi are constantly trying to get that one perfect picture.

When I look at the world around me through Rachel’s eyes, I see all sorts of conquests to make. Not just people, but causes. Rachel’s favorite cause is her own popularity, and she is really quite determined to win. She wants all who would support her to flock to her banner. But even if they do not support it, she wants to be adored. Being liked is nice, but it’s not enough. She craves others’ interest. She wants a following. And, fortunately for her, she has one. I am afraid to think of how she would achieve one if they didn’t just randomly show up all the time.

When you first meet Rachel, you wonder what it is that draws you to her. She is not overly kind, although she’s polite. She’s not outgoing and immediately likeable, but she is seductive. She does not possess a Hollywood lure upon first glance, but something makes you want to look twice. She has a star quality that may not be immediately apparent.

After all this, you may wonder why she craves attention. Like the millionaire who buys up auction after auction without contentment, she is never satisfied. She will always want more.

current celebrity crush

2010-02-16T11:39:00.003-07:00

Lena Headey. She's a recurring one, actually. I came across Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, and I've been watching episodes from the first season. I remember when it was on television, although for some reason I wasn't much interested in it at the time. I'm a Terminator fan. Not a crazy one, but I liked the movies. So it's an interesting take, for a TV series. I probably won't watch them all, but they're entertaining me for now.

update

2010-02-09T11:42:00.003-07:00

So you may have noticed I haven't been writing much. I feel the need to maybe explain why. For the first time in almost five years, I am not on any medication. I really like that. And yet, I wonder if I still need some. I have gained some weight back. I have a difficult time waking up in the morning, even though I’m getting enough sleep and I’m exercising. My motivation feels like it’s at an all time low. And yet I don’t really feel depressed. I just feel like there’s something that I need. But I don’t know what it is. And I don’t think my family physician knows either. The Prozac didn’t seem to make a dent. It really seemed like I was taking a placebo.

My mind feels scattered and unfocused. It’s hard to say what I want to say, with my voice. My mind has always been better at writing than speaking, but lately my tongue feels disabled. I don’t like that feeling.

A family friend, one who I can love and hate with equal intensity, doesn’t seem willing to help me anymore, and I don’t blame her at all. She did way more than anyone expected, getting me on Zoloft in the first place and helping me through some difficult times. But I know she has her own family to take care of. She did refer me to a doctor who is a behavioral health specialist, so he might be far more helpful than my family physician in prescribing me medication. I’ve been thinking I ought to call him and see if he’s accepting patients. If he isn’t, then now just isn’t the time, I guess. If he is, then maybe that’s what I need to do next.

Just thought you'd like to know.

best of confession booth #6

2010-01-22T10:22:00.003-07:00

I would never recommend that anyone go and read Mindi's Confession Booth. It's pretty much R-rated. But like an R-rated movie I simply must see, I like to skip over the nastiness and pick out the stuff that makes me laugh. I'm like one of those Cleanflicks employees who will remove the bad stuff you don't want to see so that you can enjoy the "rest" of the movie. I hereby give you:

best of confession booth #6

I haven't shaved my legs in a month and a half.

I HATE GREG OLSEN PAINTINGS!!!!

I think that I am going to die a virgin. And am jaded enough to believe I won't be missing out.

I sometimes think about what it would be like if my in-law's died and left us all their money.

I sometimes "embellish" things to one particular friend who is known as the neighborhood tell all. I love to see what gets twisted. I especially love when it gets back to me.

I ate a whole bag of Sweetheart large valentine's hearts over the weekend....I am going through sugar withdrawals. I think I will probably make my dentist rich this year. I think I am going to go buy another bag.

Mormons scare me.

I have eaten way too many no bake cookies. I always do when I make them, yet I continue to make them. On the bright side everything is moving along down there as it should be because of them.

I have done nothing but eat cookies, watch my tivo, and read these comments today.

Since my husband is sitting at work reading this, could you please ask him to bring home dinner?

I accidentally chipped the paint on the door of my husband's brand new car. I colored the chip in with a Sharpie.

I ate some dog jerky treat thing & actually liked it.

I bought another bag of Sweethearts. I will eat the whole thing probably....Why do I LOVE such a disgusting candy? After this I may have to become bulimic, or anorexic, or HCGic...

I tell people I'm 37, when I'm really 45.

I had a secret credit card. Then my husband died. I guess he found about it then.

Hey 5:16 yesterday. You didn't eat the whole first bag of sweethearts. I had 3.

Someone at work is stealing my peanut butter. I can't eat from that jar anymore.

I've sat here this morning for the past hour glued to my computer screen. I have also eaten almost an entire box of froot loops while reading. I can't seem to stop either behavior.

i hate when people say kthx or just sayin. it was funny the first time.

After reading these confessions, going grocery shopping is totally different. Really makes you look at people in a new light...

I am finding this very distracting as I am trying to get my Sharing Time for Sunday together.

I like sandwiches.

My husband is a jack ass.

It's 11:30pm and my dogs are barking outside . . . I hope it really annoys my neighbors!

current celebrity crush

2010-01-22T09:59:00.004-07:00

Lea Michele, AKA Rachel Berry in FOX's Glee. Maybe I'm more enamored about her voice, but she's my favorite right now.

By the way, I'm looking for that kiss between Rachel and Finn in one of the first episodes, but no one seems to have posted it on YouTube. If anyone spies it somewhere, please let me know.

dream

2010-01-21T12:05:00.006-07:00

Walking down a crowded corridor,

(a hospital? a school?, a grocery store?)

carrying or pushing something heavy, requiring both hands,

(a basket? a tub? a grocery cart?)

in a sea of faces I had a helper, an assistant

who shared the load with me.

She took hold of the other side,

and went with me down the hallway,

and somehow, I felt her fingers on mine,

even though they should have been on the opposite

side of the (basket? tub? grocery cart?).

I didn’t move them,

didn’t jerk away

like someone does when they

feel their space being invaded.

I let her touch them

and examine my hands.

She found a wound there.

I don’t know where it came from.

But she bandaged it.

And smiled at me.

poem 3, Isabel

2010-01-17T16:00:00.003-07:00

She came into view yesterday, briefly

on Ninth Street. We waited together

at the stoplight. I absorbed the sight of her

like I had emerged from darkness to feel the

sun. We crossed as the light turned

and I resisted the urge to stop and watch

her continue on the other way.

All I ever get is a snapshot, a glimpse,

a momentary sighting. She comes and goes

as quickly as a star shooting across

the night sky. But like the star, the sight

of her remains in my mind, heavy like the taste

of chocolate on my tongue.

If only I could collect the snapshots and fill

an album, and linger in the pages as I had lingered

on the street corner. Then the collection of single images

could become a moving picture, a bonding of varied

stills to create something vivid and monumental.

Like a movie star, she will never be real.

prowly

2010-01-13T08:18:00.006-07:00

Rachel is emerging from the shadows. And she's looking for someone to flirt with.

question of the day

2010-01-11T15:47:00.004-07:00

Why do lesbians stereotypically like Subarus? Or is this old news and no longer true? I think they're kind of cute and I like that they're four-wheel drive, but I could never buy one because I'd feel obligated to place a rainbow sticker on the back bumper, even though I wouldn't even have to.

I'd rather have this, if I could afford it.

randomness

2010-01-06T10:20:00.004-07:00

1. This is my favorite aspect of the blogging world: that all posts do not have to be as neat and tidy as essays.

2. I gained some weight over the holidays.

3. The reckless intake of sugar may have started around Halloween.

4. I’m trying to be okay with it, because I know my body will shed the extra weight as I get more active and eat better again, but it stinks when your pants are too tight.

5. I decided to change my meds a little bit, and so far I’m not seeing any difference in how I feel. Who knew plateauing was possible?

6. I woke up this morning feeling kind of discouraged, like I really had nothing to look forward to.

7. I hate that.

8. I bought a new laptop for myself for Christmas, although my family had donated to the fund.

9. It is lightening fast, and has a beautiful display.

10. I am enamored by it. I may give it a name.

11. But I probably shouldn’t become too attached.

12. Computers have minds of their own.

13. I may give my old one to my mother, but I wonder if that will cause problems.

14. She’ll want internet access, and she can’t afford it. She’ll want a Facebook account. She’ll try internet dating again. She’ll spend hours in front of the screen and believe everything she reads. She’ll end up complaining about all of the things the old computer can’t do.

15. Speaking of money matters, I may have exceeded my budget in the month of December.

16. It wasn’t from buying the laptop, because I saved for that. It was because I bought presents for all of my nieces and nephews.

17. And I really had a good time doing it.

18. Internet shopping ROCKS.

19. I only wish I could have seen all of their faces as they received them.

20. But I got to see some of the faces, and that was awesome.

21. I love when a quote you read turns on a light in your head. It’s amazing.

22. Work has been pretty monotonous.

23. But more companies seem to be spending money again.

24. I love the month of January. I love how motivated everyone is.

25. I wish that newness would last longer.

26. I need to come up with something I can look forward to.

more Jane

2010-01-05T16:22:00.002-07:00

Jane could be a talk show host. Wouldn't that be a blast?

poem 2, Isabel

2009-12-27T16:37:00.003-07:00

Far from peace,

I stand

with demons shrieking in my ears.

I wait

for the sound of her footsteps on the pavement.

I look

for reassurance in her cool, languid gaze.

I turn

as she passes and follow with my eyes.

I hesitate,

suspended in the wake of her determined step, her scent drifting from me, and

I breathe,

as if that alone will be enough. Then

I walk,

retracing her footsteps, keeping my distance, and

I hold

my breath as she turns to look across the street.

I slow

as she pauses, waiting to cross, and as the light turns

I lose

her in a sea of pedestrians.

I join

the throng and find her again on the other side.

I see

the outline of her figure as she leans waiting for the train.

I pause

watching her expression for recognition,

then I pass,

in the guise of the uninterested, inconspicuous, invisible.

I am not a stalker.

I am a spy.

Ellen dream

2009-12-27T16:13:00.003-07:00

Early this morning I dreamed that Ellen Degeneres came to town, and she came to me to find out what there was to do and see here where I live. Essentially, she wanted me to show her a good time. I declined the invitation, however. Instead, I told her I knew of someone that could take her somewhere fun, and I called my friend Heidi, and she and her girlfriend came to pick up Ellen for the evening. Only I hadn't told them it was Ellen; I just told them I had a friend visiting. So they were pretty excited to discover it was Ellen. She called me a few hours later to tell me what a good time she was having. I won't tell you what they were doing. I just thought it was funny that I was her buddy.

poem, Isabel

2009-12-26T09:28:00.003-07:00

Waiting on a downtown sidewalk
At a bus stop at the end of the day
And watching the passersby,
I noticed this girl.
She walked by about 5:02.
Heading home, maybe?
I didn't know.
She just looked to me
Like someone fictional made real
And I decided to reverse the process.

She was pretty, slight of stature,
Always wore her hair tied back
And walked a certain way,
With confidence, purpose and a sense
Of detachment.
I gave her a name, a job,
A destination.
I created friends, parents, family,
And a lonely admirer at the bus stop.

This admirer, he imagined
Ways to attract her attention.
He wished he could talk to her
And walk her home.
It took another setting, though,
For her to notice.
She recognized him from
The bus stop she passed every day.

Now they're busy discovering each other
And they blame it all on that downtown sidewalk
Where I still stand at the end of the day
Waiting for the bus, and
Watching my inspiration walk by about 5:02.
What would she say if she knew
Who I had made her?

need

2009-12-21T15:37:00.003-07:00

Okay, here's a question for you. I think most people would agree that women (females) need other women in their lives. But do men need other men? Do men get emotionally attached to other men? Gay or straight, I'm interested.

this week's GLEE

2009-12-10T15:03:00.004-07:00

Can I just express how glad I am that Emma is not marrying Ken, but I don't know how I feel about her being with Will. Just seems wrong right now.

GO Figgins for kicking Sue out on her arse.

Favorite Sue line: "You are about to board the Sue Sylvester Express. Destination: HORROR!"

The Glee cast has also given us a special treat for Christmas:

Available on iTunes! Yippee!

symptoms of codependency

2009-12-01T16:02:00.004-07:00

I was reading back in my journal and found this list I made three years ago. Of course, none of these currently apply to me now, since I'm not enamored by anyone. ;) But it is somewhat sobering to read through such a list and look at the person you once were.

My symptoms of codependency (taken from Melody Beattie’s Codependent No More):

I allow myself to be manipulated by other people’s emotions.

I am often hostile toward my mother, and toward others who I feel are trying to control me.

I feel responsible for people’s feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being, lack of well-being, etc.

I feel anxiety, pity and guilt when others have a problem, and I feel compelled to help people solve their problems.

I anticipate others’ needs, and I wonder why others don’t do the same for me.

I do things for others that I don’t really want to do.

I try to please others instead of myself.

I feel different from everyone else.

I fear rejection, or that people will leave me.

I am afraid of making mistakes/I expect myself to do things perfectly/I am rarely satisfied with what I accomplish.

I have difficulty making decisions.

I have a lot of “shoulds.”

I believe that some people (men) couldn’t possibly love me.

I settle for being needed.

I tell myself that circumstances are not as bad as they are.

I tend to get compulsive about spending.

I tend to rearrange my schedule around the person I am interested in.

I lose interest in the things I like to do.

I wonder if I will ever find true love.

I ask for what I want and need without just saying it.

I tend to say things either to please or to provoke.

I say I won’t tolerate things from people, but then my tolerance level gradually increases until I allow things I said I wouldn’t.

I lack trust in myself and in others.

I’m extremely responsible.

Sometimes I find it difficult to feel close to people.

Sometimes I find it difficult to have fun and be spontaneous.

I tend to stay loyal to my companions even when they continue to hurt me.

I’m often confused about the nature of the problem.

I’ve gone through periods of feeling lethargic, depressed, withdrawn and isolated.

When I am involved with someone, I tend to neglect my other friends and responsibilities.

why I love Jane Lynch

2009-12-01T14:58:00.003-07:00

Does anybody else think this is as funny as I do?

(link)

Let me explain. In case you haven't heard, Jane is Xbox's new celebrity spokesperson. I have watched ALL of these videos.

Jane Juice sounds excellent!

update

2009-11-27T16:49:00.005-07:00

Received this in a thank you card in the mail today. Could I be any more pleased?

Makes me wonder if there's some aniversary she's remembering that I'm not. :)

new moon

2009-11-23T11:29:00.003-07:00

The thing I enjoyed most about New Moon was watching Kristen Stewart. Yes, I know she's only 19.

happy things I remember from childhood

2009-11-19T09:08:00.016-07:00

I find people fascinating. Sometimes I like to go back in time on particular blogs, just see what kinds of things they wrote about. Often I find fun things that inspire me to create a similar post, like this one.

I hereby give you some happy things I remember from my childhood.

This was the first bike I bought myself, with earned and gifted money that I diligently saved. She was a 10-speed, royal blue.

I kept her clean and greased her chain religiously. But I don't remember giving her a name...

Using the various bikes that I owned (or borrowed), I would often take my spare change and ride to the nearby 7-11...

...where, among other sweet treasures, I would purchase the forbidden candy cigarettes.

When it was cold enough outside that we could see our breath, we'd pretend we were smoking. We thought that was pretty cool.

Favorite toys:

Zippy, from very early. He pretty much fell apart from my constant care and attention. Then there were Hot Wheels...

...for which I also saved my money. I only bought the coolest ones. Coolest = most expensive in real life, like Porsches and Mercedes Benz and Jaguars and Corvettes. In the summer, we would create roads and towns for these tiny drivers in the flower beds of our front yard. Is it any wonder I still like to drive?

And then there was the old standby, Barbie, with her true love, Ken, and her niece, Skipper.

I called them Jen and Jon. I don't remember what my Skipper's name was. They had a three-story house (garage sale bought, I'm sure), and a pink Corvette, and as many clothes as I could afford. I still have my dolls. They're laid to rest in a shoebox in my closet, dressed in their wedding clothes.

I clearly remember sleeping outside on our trampoline during the summer...

...with all of my siblings, and how in the morning (or in the middle of the night, if the sprinklers came on), we would all find ourselves in a heap in the middle. Why was that fun?

In junior high, Levi's Shrink-to-fit jeans were the newest and hippest (and stupidest) idea ever.

And I also wanted Levi's tee shirts in every color.

I only ended up with two or three. I was too busy buying Barbie clothes and Hot Wheels.

Favorite TV shows:

The Muppet Show, which made me laugh, and whose guest stars I looked forward to seeing every week. Kermit was my hero. I think I related to him the most. He just wanted everything to run smoothly, and it never did, but it always turned out okay.

The Twilight Zone, which totally freaked me out and lit my imagination on fire.

And The Brady Bunch. Our family was much like theirs, except that my mother had only two girls when she married my step-father and his three boys. I often wished we could have been as happy as they were.

And, when I wasn't watching television or playing with my toys, I was reading. I loved the Choose Your Own Adventure series, among others.

I think I read every single one of those.

I could go on, but that's enough for now. I hope you enjoyed this walk down the avenue of time as much as I did.

pet peeve #4

2009-11-16T13:05:00.003-07:00

Overused phrases, such as "lovely and talented."

Really, there are so many words in various languages to choose from. Be imaginative.

Glee, episode 1.09

2009-11-12T13:23:00.004-07:00

This episode gets two thumbs-up from me. Did anyone else think the cheerleader tryouts were a little reminiscent of American Idol tryouts, and way too brief?

Favorite Sue lines:

I'm about to projectile express myself all over your Hush Puppies.

You think this is hard? Try auditioning for Baywatch and being told they're going in another direction. That's hard!

You are a terrible spy. You might try breathing through your nose sometime.

The "diva-off:" Who was your choice? Rachel or Kurt? Should they change the key of the song and give Kurt a chance?

And finally, the question that has plagued me for episodes: What is a Lima loser?

suggestion box

2009-11-03T10:56:00.003-07:00

What should I blog about? Any suggestions?

why I love gmail

2009-10-28T09:49:00.004-06:00

I switched from Hotmail a while ago - maybe as much as a year ago - I don't remember. Gmail is much more efficient with the spam. But I kind of miss poking fun at these non-English-speaking email marketers, who come up with the greatest phrases to try and get me to buy sexually enhancing prescription drugs from them:

subject: You acted insane, agree?

We are the only store wich gives this great deal!

When you have problems with your male function, nothing can hold your self-respect at the level above zero.

Stop the nightmare! Resolve this problem in Minutes! Your robustness in bed will amaze her after The First pilule you've popped.

Hurry to try, while on discounts!

I have to admit, the subject line got my attention. But that last line is my favorite.

this calls for a sacrifice

2009-10-26T15:30:00.003-06:00

I'm not big into television anymore. I used to be, in high school, but it's been a long time since I scheduled my evenings around what was on TV. Since fall began, I've enjoyed watching this show called FlashForward. It’s been interesting, and captivating enough to rival my old favorite, Alias. Last week’s episode revealed that one of the main characters, a female FBI agent, is a lesbian. I had wondered about her. They had thrown out enough hints to make one wonder, but I wasn’t sure how much attention they were going to give this particular storyline. Turns out, they’re giving it plenty. Way too much for prime time TV, in my opinion. It was more than my sister wanted to see, and way more than she would have liked her children to see. One of them happened to come into the room when the first girl/girl kiss happened.

And I.can’t.seem.to.stop.thinking.about.it.

I know why. Because now I have a decision to make. My sister has already announced that she regretfully won’t be watching the show anymore. And I know I shouldn’t watch any more of it either. But the pull is so strong…

things people ask me

2009-10-22T12:04:00.003-06:00

Do you date?

I do. I go out with guys on occasion. The last occasion was this one. I go out with girlfriends (friends who are girls) more often. I went out, on a date, with a girl once. That was a mistake. The last few times I have gone out with guys was when a friend set me up, which is fine. I don’t mind it. But for me, dating is awkward. It’s hard for me to relax and have fun, but I do try. And I haven’t given up completely. I sort of feel the same way Amy does about it.

Do you want to get married?

Because I have faith in God, I know that he has a plan for me. I know he has blessings waiting for me that he will grant in his own time. I’m pretty sure that one of these blessings is a happy and fulfilling companionship with a man. I hope to be able to be in the right place at the right time so that he can grant it. So sure, if my Father in heaven knows that I can be happy with a husband, and he wants to place me in the way of finding one, I’m willing. I’ll trust Him. I realize it won’t be easy to accept or to commit to, but I will try. With His help, I will succeed.

Do you see yourself married someday?

Yes, I actually can see that. I’ve pictured it, and it seems nice.

Do you make yourself available?

That’s an interesting question, because it depends on what the inquirer means by making myself available. When I was in my teens and twenties—even 30s—I did all of the things one is “supposed” to do if she wants to find a husband. I went out with groups of friends of mixed gender, I attended social things, like church and school and parties. I tried dances, formal events like Homecoming, taking the reins and asking the guys out myself, LDS singles wards, singles conferences, singles web sites, flirting, accepting blind dates...you name it, I might have tried it (as long as it stayed within the boundaries of my morals). I didn’t stick my head in the sand or wait for Prince Charming to ride up on his white stallion. I didn’t lock myself in my room. I was quite social. I’m not so much anymore. I suppose all that activity gets old after a while. At least it did for me. I still do things with friends, and I talk to people in the grocery store, and I work side by side with the men in the temple every week, and go to church on Sundays, and to church activities. So I think I’ve made myself available, but I have never worn a T-shirt that reads “I need a husband.” Maybe I need to get one.

Have you ever passed up an opportunity to be married?

No. I could have secured myself a boyfriend by pretending I could feel what I really didn’t feel and by losing a good friend who had a mad crush on him, but I didn’t do it. No one has ever been close enough to me to propose and be serious about it.

Are you happy?

Depends on the day, but yes, for the most part. I love my family and I’m glad I have them. I love my medication. I love the gospel. All three contribute to my happiness. I’m not the kind of single LDS girl that sits and wallows in the misery of not being married while belonging to a church that’s all about marriage and family. I have a family, and I have lots of children. I don’t have everything I want, but who does?

5 people Rachel wouldn't mind...blah, blah, blah

2009-10-21T14:55:00.012-06:00

I want to play too, naturally (see previous post). I can think of lots of people I'd like to get stuck with, but I'll stay with the five. It'll save me a lot of time.

This may surprise you:

Tiburon

She's hilarious, she's sexay, and I never get to hang out with her. I think we'd have a blast.

Arianne

It'd be an afternoon she would never forget. ;)

Alanis Morissette, musician

She's luscious, brilliant, crazy and entertaining. We could talk for days. And I'd kiss her if she was okay with it.

Mia Kirshner, actress

I admit, there wouldn't be a lot of talking with this one. I don't know if I'd be interested in anything she'd have to say. But I know what we'd do instead.

Ellen Degeneres, comedian

Because she's an idiot and she makes me laugh.

5 people I wouldn't mind being trapped in an elevator with

2009-10-21T14:16:00.012-06:00

With this post I accept being tagged. I say I wouldn't mind, because just the thought of being in an enclosed space like an elevator would require a special individual to keep my mind off of it. And as stated in Tiburon's post, I would prefer being with these people one at a time, not all at once in the elevator together. So here they are, in no particular order.

Jason Bateman, actor

I think he would make me laugh, and be charming, and I would so enjoy looking at him. And I wouldn't mind if he held my hand when I pretended to be afraid.

Sheri Dew
businesswoman, author and spiritual giant

I would so enjoy talking to her. I wouldn't care how long we had to stay in that elevator.

Jane Austen, authoress

I would pick her brain. About writing, about life in the time when she lived, about a lot of things. Nevermind that merely being in an elevator would probably kill her. Again.

Chaim Potok, writer

The man was brilliant. I would ask him questions and listen to him talk.

Shawn Colvin, musician

She and her guitar could entertain me all day long.

random thoughts

2009-10-19T15:07:00.001-06:00

In one of my dreams last night, I was a guy—like a college guy, hanging out with a group of friends. Among these friends were two girls, and each wanted to be my choice. I found it very flattering, but stressful, because I had to choose one. And I did. And the one I didn’t choose sort of faded away. I began to do everything with the one I chose. We became exclusive, and all of the friends accepted it. I don’t know what it means, but I enjoyed it. A lot. I don’t really want to be a guy though. I used to, when I had step brothers, and I wanted to fit in. But I don’t anymore. I can accept my gender now.

MJ was at church yesterday. I never know when she’s going to appear, and I think she likes that. She mingled with people, but she ignored me. I watched her, tried to get her to look at me, but she wouldn’t. I think that sucks rocks. Is it so hard to wave, to smile? I don’t require much these days—just acknowledgement. I hate to be ignored.

Thanks to the rest of you, for not ignoring me.

pet peeve #3

2009-10-15T13:03:00.003-06:00

Shallow pockets.

Every new pair of jeans you buy has a flaw, I guess. And you learn to live with it. But until you're accustomed to the flaw, it's just something you must endure.

I like to put my hands in the front pockets of my pants. I keep my keys in there, on the right side. I hardly ever use the back pockets, but the front ones are handy for many things. They're a good place to tuck my hands when I don't know what else to do with them. So you can imagine my frustration when I buy a good pair of pants that fit and flatter, only to find that the pockets are shallow. A front pocket should be deep enough to hold the keys without them falling out, and enough to cover the whole hand, up to the wrist. (I don't like the thumb sticking out, but that's just me.) The pockets on these jeans cover my fingers, up to the knuckles of my hands. And I have small hands. So now I have a pair of jeans with useless pockets. But they look good. Maybe I could wear a fanny pack. ;)