the frustration continues

I seem to do better when MJ doesn’t come around. Then I am not reminded of how different she is. Then I don’t subconsciously analyze her behavior. I don’t wonder what she’s thinking about. I don’t wonder who is sending her text messages. There was a time when she left her phone in the car, or at home. I liked that better. It’s very teenager-like to read and send text messages while you’re talking to someone else. Perhaps I have been guilty of that too.

I can’t help wondering what this weekend is going to be like. For her birthday (in August), I bought tickets to see Alanis Morissette in Las Vegas. We’re driving down on Saturday morning—just the two of us—to see the concert that evening. Then, because it will be late at night, I’ve reserved a room at a hotel. Then we’ll drive back on Sunday morning, probably stopping in St George to visit some family. Is all of that time alone with her going to make me crazy? I don’t want to be frustrated. I want to enjoy the time, and the concert, and the fun of going somewhere different, and visiting my sister. I don’t want to expect anything from MJ. Maybe if I prepare for her to be emotionally distant, preoccupied, busy texting on her phone…then I won’t be disappointed?

It’s hard because I want her to need me again. I want her to enjoy the time alone with me. I don’t want her wishing she was somewhere else, with someone else…

"Frustrated Ferdinand" courtesy of Shag.